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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 592726" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">For some reason this article has disappeared off of my posts so I've posted it in it's entirety here. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">What is detachment?</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">Detachment is the:</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">What are the negative effects not detaching?</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">How is detachment a control issue?</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">Detachment is a control issue because:</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You need them as much as they need you.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* They have so many problems, they need you.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 592726, member: 13542"] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]For some reason this article has disappeared off of my posts so I've posted it in it's entirety here. What is detachment?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Detachment is the:[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]What are the negative effects not detaching?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]How is detachment a control issue?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Detachment is a control issue because:[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You need them as much as they need you.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* They have so many problems, they need you.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.[/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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