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Hurts so much
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764131" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Ithurtz,</p><p>You have been dealing with issues with your son since high school. He is now 30, so you have had <em>many</em> years of trying to help him. With my own experience with my two, also in and out of trouble since high school, I feel like I was slowly conditioned into keeping “skin in the game, desiring an outcome (successful sober living), <em>more</em> than they did. It is complicated by the fact these are our kids and we want the best for them. It’s easy to become extremely enmeshed in the drama and chaos, believing that we can “fix” them. When it becomes apparent that everything we have tried hasn’t worked and we can’t stop the train wreck, we are entering a whole different phase of loving an addict.</p><p>There is an acronym (I’m sure you have read about it) FOG- fear, obligation and guilt, that describes in a nutshell the hard emotions we go through that keep us engaged and entrenched in our wayward’ choices. It doesn’t help that our adult kids know which buttons to push to drive those emotions, and our own minds keep us in a “what if” disaster mode when the <img class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" alt="💩" title="Pile of poo :poop:" src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/6.6/png/unicode/64/1f4a9.png" data-shortname=":poop:" />hits the fan. I call this the swirly whirly, a not so “merry go round” of circular thinking and ruminating over what may happen when our kids are “out there” and we have taken a step or two back. We have begun to set boundaries with our kids, but haven’t learned to cope within ourselves, to set boundaries for how far our own emotions and reactions will go, because it is a whole new way of living and dealing with the harsh reality we face.</p><p></p><p>I’m so glad that you have adult children who are doing well. I hope that you have good connection with them, that helps. Are you able to reach out to them to share your feelings?</p><p></p><p>That’s good for him, he knows they are there when he is ready to help himself.</p><p></p><p>Sigh. My well adult children will have nothing to do with their sisters because of their choices. This was not an immediate action. They tried to help them many times. They realized more quickly than I did, that they couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to change their course.</p><p></p><p>This is the “fear” part of FOG. I call it catastrophic thought, thinking of the absolute worse case scenario, so if it does happen, we are prepared. Of course, with what’s going on with your son, fear of what could happen next is warranted. I felt the same with my daughters, strung out on meth, living on the streets, how would they survive? I tortured myself with the what ifs. I would drive by the parks they frequented wanting (and also dreading) to catch a glimpse of them. It was Copa who wrote of Viktor Frankl, an amazing soul who survived Nazi death camps and spent his life teaching others how to overcome suffering. I started reading about his theory, and that helped me come out of my ruminating over my two. There are many examples of people who have transcended unimaginable tragedy’s and lived fruitful lives. I was desperate for relief, from being stuck in the muck and quicksand of my daughters choices, the fear of what could happen to them, the pain and sadness. Finding and researching these heroic people who had risen above the ashes, helped me out of the quicksand. I can’t tell you that I am completely oblivious to the hurt, but I am way better than I was a few years ago. </p><p>As far as turning to alcohol, I’m glad that you are cognizant of this and pretty sure you know that is a quick and fleeting “fix” to numb the pain. (No judgement, just concern.) Please be careful and mindful of your health. Be kind to yourself, this proved to be a difficult time for all of us, to change how we respond to our adult children’s choices. It feels so odd, so scary and unpredictable, even unnatural. One step, one day at a time. You are so worth the effort to rebuild your own life. </p><p>Take care</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764131, member: 19522"] Hi Ithurtz, You have been dealing with issues with your son since high school. He is now 30, so you have had [I]many[/I] years of trying to help him. With my own experience with my two, also in and out of trouble since high school, I feel like I was slowly conditioned into keeping “skin in the game, desiring an outcome (successful sober living), [I]more[/I] than they did. It is complicated by the fact these are our kids and we want the best for them. It’s easy to become extremely enmeshed in the drama and chaos, believing that we can “fix” them. When it becomes apparent that everything we have tried hasn’t worked and we can’t stop the train wreck, we are entering a whole different phase of loving an addict. There is an acronym (I’m sure you have read about it) FOG- fear, obligation and guilt, that describes in a nutshell the hard emotions we go through that keep us engaged and entrenched in our wayward’ choices. It doesn’t help that our adult kids know which buttons to push to drive those emotions, and our own minds keep us in a “what if” disaster mode when the 💩hits the fan. I call this the swirly whirly, a not so “merry go round” of circular thinking and ruminating over what may happen when our kids are “out there” and we have taken a step or two back. We have begun to set boundaries with our kids, but haven’t learned to cope within ourselves, to set boundaries for how far our own emotions and reactions will go, because it is a whole new way of living and dealing with the harsh reality we face. I’m so glad that you have adult children who are doing well. I hope that you have good connection with them, that helps. Are you able to reach out to them to share your feelings? That’s good for him, he knows they are there when he is ready to help himself. Sigh. My well adult children will have nothing to do with their sisters because of their choices. This was not an immediate action. They tried to help them many times. They realized more quickly than I did, that they couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to change their course. This is the “fear” part of FOG. I call it catastrophic thought, thinking of the absolute worse case scenario, so if it does happen, we are prepared. Of course, with what’s going on with your son, fear of what could happen next is warranted. I felt the same with my daughters, strung out on meth, living on the streets, how would they survive? I tortured myself with the what ifs. I would drive by the parks they frequented wanting (and also dreading) to catch a glimpse of them. It was Copa who wrote of Viktor Frankl, an amazing soul who survived Nazi death camps and spent his life teaching others how to overcome suffering. I started reading about his theory, and that helped me come out of my ruminating over my two. There are many examples of people who have transcended unimaginable tragedy’s and lived fruitful lives. I was desperate for relief, from being stuck in the muck and quicksand of my daughters choices, the fear of what could happen to them, the pain and sadness. Finding and researching these heroic people who had risen above the ashes, helped me out of the quicksand. I can’t tell you that I am completely oblivious to the hurt, but I am way better than I was a few years ago. As far as turning to alcohol, I’m glad that you are cognizant of this and pretty sure you know that is a quick and fleeting “fix” to numb the pain. (No judgement, just concern.) Please be careful and mindful of your health. Be kind to yourself, this proved to be a difficult time for all of us, to change how we respond to our adult children’s choices. It feels so odd, so scary and unpredictable, even unnatural. One step, one day at a time. You are so worth the effort to rebuild your own life. Take care (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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