I just needed to write this down somewhere

janebrain

New Member
Grace and Ant's Mom,
your words weren't posted to me but they have helped me--am dealing with some stuff with easy child who is now actually seeming more like a difficult child--so, thanks. I will print them out and reread them--you have helped me this morning.
 

saving grace

New Member
Janebrain, glad that something in this tangle helped you. Sometimes I feel like I go round and round, but that is what we are here for, hoping that something we share will help someone else in one way or another.

DDD... Yup I like the hug too. They are few and far between so when I get them I like them alot. I feel like I cant mother him in alot of ways so when the oppurtunity comes up that I can do something like throwing a bagel in the toaster for him so when he gets out of the shower its ready, then I will do it. This is one of the things I meant about my family telling me I shouldnt do, I am babying him they say, well ya know what, I want to do it. There may come a time when I wont be able to do it.
I also LOVE to fold his clothes, I cant say I love washing them but I love folding them.

Grace
 

tpcmom

New Member
Wow, boy this post hit home. I know I don't come around often. I always lurk. I never have much good advice to give, but I read hoping that I can find some for myself. Which by the way, I have on many occassions. But I just wanted to write to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. I live this every dya. My son, who is 20, does not do herion, but I know he takes pills, usually xanex. I never catch him doing it, but we know right! It's been hard on my whole family and I do know that I am an enabler, but for the life of me I cannot throw him out. I feel the same way you do, where will he go, what will he do, he has no education, he has no job, he was severly injured and is still healing he lost feeling in his two fingers (put his arm thru a window and nearly died) I thought that would wake him up and it didnt. Some days he is great, during the week, is trying places now to call to go back to school, I'm estatic about this, but how long will it last????

I've done lots of things people tell me to do, and it never worked out and then some people get mad at me for not listening to their advice. I just don't get that? I do try and am doing my best, but no one knows your life better than yourself as you are the one living it. I am now trying to get my courage up to go to an AlAnon meeting, I'm hoping this will help me too, but I'm a big chicken, I'm very shy around people I don't know face to face. It's hard for me to do this, but one day I will I know I will because I know deep down this might help me.

I've called the police on my son many times, they tell me that since he lives with me and that is his legal residence I would have to take him to court to have him evicted (out of my own home). He won't leave on his own. But then I think of the same things you said in your post, him being out there cold, hungry, maybe dieing. I could not bare this in my brain, then I think of my other boys, is it fair to them, is it fair to me. It's so helpless hopless sometimes.

I know I'm rambling and I have no great advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I know what you are going thru. I do not judge, but I feel what you feel. Just know that you are not alone.

Your post hit me right smack in the chest... and I just felt that need to reply. I haven't posted about my son in a long time. I see some good things so far, like him looking into schools. Maybe this is a start, I hope really I do hope.

Maybe those meetings will help us both, I just need to get the courage to go.
 

KFld

New Member
"Maybe those meetings will help us both, I just need to get the courage to go."

Please please please dig way down and get the courage to get to an alanon meeting. I was in your shoes last year and alanon did me so much good. I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't found the courage to walk through those doors. As much as they will help you, they will also help your difficult child's. Everyone in these rooms has experienced or is experiencing what you are going through today and it will give you a lot of warmth to be among others who truly know how you feel. In alanon, they don't judge, they just listen and teach you the steps to do what you need to do for yourself, your difficult child and everyone else in your life who is being effected by all of this.

I won't preach, enough said, I just hope you both go.
 

neajle

New Member
Grace, my heart goes out to you. I'm not usually on this site, but every once in a while. I keep hoping that things have changed and that these difficult child's are better.

Like you've said; I also liked cooking for my son, doing his laundry, etc. I too was told that I babied him too much. That I was too overprotective of him. Actually I did the same for all my children. I guess I love them too much.

You are right, what you do is your business and nobody else's. There are no two people alike, no two difficult child's alike. But drugs tend to do the same things to them and to their families - THEY DESTROY IT. I know how you feel about putting your child out on the street. Worrying if you'll get a call. I did all of that. My minister told me that I had to "LET GO AND LET GOD". That is a hard thing for us to do.

Some of the others are right, the child can die at home or away from home or not at all. I have two brothers that were addicts, they destroyed my family, they lived to be quite old. They stole from my mother, they threatened my mother, they borrowed from my mother etc. etc. After my mother died, they started coming to me for money. I told them NO. That I would not take her place. I had to let go of my own family members, that is how I survived my young adulthood. I swore my own children would never live like that. Then I found my own self, being just like my mother was. My son stealing from me etc. When it got bad enough, I had to let go. I knew that if he died that I loved him and that I knew that he knew this because I told him that every time I saw him. But, I refused to be a part of this, and I felt from what I had read and from what my minister told me that if I allowed him to live in my home it was the same as saying it was alright.

Drugs are horrible! That is the simple fact. But, you can only do what you feel comfortable doing. So follow what you feel is right. It is a really hard choice to make, but some times if we love somebody we have to let them go, especially when drugs are involved.

Many hugs for you Grace and for your son. I hope and pray that he is trying to change. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

You know what is strange. I went to church when I was a child, but then kind of just dropped out. I felt that if you believe, you don't need to go to church. When my son started this mess in his life, that is when I turned back to God. I needed something, somebody to help me. That was the only thing that has given me hope through all of this.

jean
 

rejectedmom

New Member
Grace, I understand. Last Christmas watching my son walk down the street after getting some clothes and knowing that I had put him out at Christmas time was the saddest time of my life. Yes, he had hurt me but I loved him. It was cold outside and it was bleak. I sent him to the church shelter but he opted to go to his evil friends. husband and I revoked his bail to get him off the streets and he was in jail for the holiday on sucide watch. It was A nightmare for my family a real wide awake nightmare. It was drugs that put my family in that spot not the boy I had raised. The drugs that had taken him away. I look back and I know there was nothing I could have done differently. NOTHING. But it doesn't help the pain all that much. Now for the second Christmas in a row my son will be in jail. His actions put him there but how I wish he was free. Free to have dinner with his family. Free to hug and play with his neice and nephew. I do not want him under my roof but I want him in a happy place and to know he is loved. It is so hard on me. I will help him when he gets out in a few months. I pray everyday that he stays clean when he does. I want to take him home but I won't because I remember the chaos and I do not ever want to go there again. But I will help him because he will need it. I send you Hugs also. Our lives are different yet so much the same. -RM
 

YoungSpartan

New Member
Hello,

I didn't read anything other than the OP but let me give my difficult child point of view on that.

The thing that most stands out to me was the quote of "My son is an addict I cant change that, I guess I feel like I have to be able to change something I have been powerless for years in his addiction."

In order for your difficult child to wake up, and this is coming from a formerly active addict in the same position, something needs to happen. It may even take a few things.

I'm not sure what your state is, or what it offers, but here in Florida there are options like the Marchman Act to place someone of age in a rehabilitation facility against their will. This may be something that could change his life, and a lot of the work may be just him having a sober period to see things from a more clear point of view, along with the treatment and the idea that people are not going to let him get away with that lifestyle. By letting him live with you, although it may be more comfortable for you, you enable him to easily live that lifestyle with comfort, which doesn't redirect him in the slightest - at least from my experience.

When it becomes harder for someone to maintain a lifestyle of active addiction, and the lifestyle becomes more miserable, is when one starts to rethink it - and when that happens, it's good if they are rethinking it with a sober mind.

A long-term rehabilitation may be a good idea. Take a look into it if you haven't already.

I'm sorry if any of this has already been posted, thought of, or even tried as I realize I don't have the complete background on the situation.

Best of luck to you,
Alex
 

envisablepuppet

New Member
Hi Grace

I'm another one that can say I truly understand how you feel. Been there and am truly terrified I could find myself there again. Relapse is always possible with an addict so it's always a constant fear for me.

Right now my daughter is doing great in most areas. She has turned her life around in such a short amount of time. Less then a year. She says she quit for three reasons. Her boyfriend(an addict himself)who told her he wouldn't have a tweaker for a girlfriend. I really kinda had to laugh at that one because he was and I suspect is still using himself and he was giving her the drugs as well. But whatever works. boyfriend is the biggest problem in her life right now and I can't stand to even look at him. He in no way is trying to better himself and I wish she would wake up and see that.

The second thing was something her father said to her. The impact his comment had on her still greatly surprises me. I just think it was the right time and if he had said it at some other point in her life it wouldn't have had the impact it did when he had his last drug chat with her. What he said to her was,Everytime you put that pipe in your mouth I want you to see my face looking at you just the way I'm looking at you right now. Now, I don't know how he was looking at her, but shortly there after she quit and she did say everytime she started to get high she saw that face and she just couldn't do it. :laugh:

The third thing was, she said she just got sick of the whole life style. She hated it. That is what needed to happen. She needed to get clean for herself. It's that reason that I hold onto. She wanted to do it for herself and because of that she stands a good chance of staying clean. They say an addict can only change if they want to.

She came home, gave herself about a month to clear her head, and then started rebuilding her life.

I am a firm believer in unconditional love. She always had that and she always knew it.I did a lot of the things you are doing while still trying not to enable her. I did it mostly for myself. If I just knew she was safe I could make it through one more day. I had my doubts that I was doing the right thing but I had to do it that way to keep my sanity.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you in this very long post is this, your son is young. There is still hope and that hope is what makes us do the things we do when dealing with our children with these problems. I just couldn't give up on my child and I'm glad I never did but let me tell ya, I got so very close so many times.

I have no advise for you, I just wanted to say I know how you feel and that he may find his own reasons to change. Even my difficult child's best friends had no hope for her and said she would never change. Surprised us all she did. The only advise I will give is just, do what ya gotta do that's all we can do. There is no rule that says we have to just give up on them but we do have to do what we can live with. If that means asking him to leave or allowing him to stay make the choice for you, not necessarily for him.

I agree with everyone that says try some meetings. CD was the only place I had to rely on because of the distance factor for me but this place saved me. I made a lot of the choices I made because of the ppl here that were going through the same thing. They helped me not to enable her so much and to just do what I could live with. Thats all anyone really can do. The chocies our difficult child's make are their own, good or bad. All we can do is just try to survive it all.

Many huggs to you and I hope you can find something in my post that helps in some way.

Lea
 

judi

Active Member
All of our kids are different. We all approach this problem differently. husband and I had a shouting match yesterday because we are both so very sad over our son's choices. We do love him very much but we can't reach him at the moment. He does know that we love him.

We all come here with a different perspective on the issues based on our own backgrounds and current situations. The one thing that we all have in common is our love for our children. That is the one thing that never wavers.

I too am in the pool of folks who imagines that the coroner will be coming to my door anytime. One of difficult child's friends died of a heroin OD two years ago. He is now living who knows where with who knows who. We love him very much (another commonality with all of us).

Its so funny because both husband and I are control freaks. Our lives from the outside appear to have everything: nice house, new cars, great careers. However, few people (only my sister really) know what goes on in our hearts. I find it amazing that I can now set out to work, smile and laugh my way through the day and everyone thinks I have it so together.

Little do they know...
 

Ephchap

Active Member
Another who totally understands. Judi, your thoughts hit the nail on the head for me too - unconditional love, being afraid of where your son will end up, and putting on a happy face to the outside world. Those are feelings I lived with while my difficult child was drugging. Even though he's doing better (knock on wood), it's something I will never forget.

For my son, the law stepped in and tried him as an adult at barely 17. That was enough to shake him up. He spent 5 days in an adult jail, threatened for his food each day, and terrified to sleep.

We basically "forced the issue" of a dual-diagnostic Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and were fortunate that by the time the trial came up, the judge opted to let him stay where he was to get help, rather than to send him back to the adult jail for a year to punish. By the time my son entered the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he was open to getting help and turning things around, but we definitely "nudged" him. lol

When he did get out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after 10 months of being clean, he relapsed for one weekend about a month after being home. He called and asked us to pick him up, and as far as I know, he's never drugged again. He said it "wasn't fun anymore; it was just scary". That was hopefully the end of the drugging for him forever.

We can all support each other, and offer suggestions, but each child and situation is so different, that there really isn't a "one size fits all". So just know that we're here for you, and hoping that he turns things around.

Sending gentle hugs,
Deb
 
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