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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 664740" data-attributes="member: 1550">Of course that's why she told her fifteen years later. FIFTEEN YEARS. I did it and I am sorry I did it, because it hurt my sister and she felt betrayed, but it wasn't my intention. And, at any rate, I WAS very screwed up in my twenties, trying to do good, but thinking I was bad, half my age in maturity. I thought it was normal to tell secrets. The day I got my period my mom ran to the phone and called the only two people she knew to talk to--my dad blush) and my grandma.And she spoke in a loud voice about it. Not just that issue either. EVERYTHING."Nothing is a secret in a family." My grandmother. And she taught me young and it must have sunk in. Of course I know that's not true now, but I didn't at the time and was thinking more about how heinous my mother was acting toward my sister and how in the hello could I get her to pay attention to her. She was actually as screwed up as ME and did more dangerous things...things I would not even mention here, even though it's anonymous. I was scared for my sister and furious at my mom. Does it excuse what I did? I don't know. Does it? If not, Sis, why did you ever talk to me again????? (big sigh and continuing...)If my sister can't forgive that which I did so long ago, I don't want to deal with that. She did horrible things to my brother and she knows it and I have posted what they were. He forgave her, if she even told him the true truth. When people are young and especially if mentally ill, like she loves to tell everyone I am (but she NEVER betrays secrets---until I was in my 40's I didn't want people to know about the mental illness, but she told everyone)...anyhow, if she can not let go what I did and has amnesia about what SHE did...I don't need it. I don't want it. I am sorry I did not have the foresight when young to realize if she would be angry for as long as three years over an incident that happened fifteen years earlier and was done when I was a total mess myself, then I should have just given up the relationship. As for my mother, she never wanted us to be close. That's why she did it. But none of that matters. The bottom line is, I am done mourning my mother's lack of love. I can't seem to get worked up over it anymore and that is thanks to you.And I am done with any cheating at all. Although it lead me to seeing the validating suspension. I still can't cheat. I read an interesting article on No Contact because I truly want to go there, in both mind and deed and be true to myself. The article I read was very clear. You must not talk to the person, see the person, or check their social media either. It is the only way to finally get the person out of your system.  Even talking like we did, so intnsely and heartfelt, will not do it if we are in contact with these people.I went a long time without cheating and was GREAT. As soon as I so much as saw the fake website name, I was back there in emotional flashback hello again, even though I did not read her particular posts.This last time I cheated, a day ago, I happened to see a little lock on the post and that made me curious so I skipped her posts and went to the last post she had started. I clicked on the thread and scrolled down and didn't read until I got to the last post where the moderator had posted a SUSPENDED post. That one I did read.  It said she was suspended and had been warned before and that it was not in the spirit of their healing site to be and I quote "trying to hurt your sister" by posting there. I guess she mentioned my site too. I decided how foolish it is to continue on when it is resolved.If anything HUGE comes up, I will report it to you, my friends, to help myself heal from any further trauma she inflicts on me. That is unlikely since she can't talk to me or see me and I won't read her stuff. I still don't know what she says, I just checked to see if she posted. Those days are over. I am going to end my membership to that site. That way I will have no rights to see that page.I am going to talk to my husband about my Celebration of New Life (as I call it) Ceremony tonight. I am thinking of doing it at this gorgeous dog park that is in a very wealthy area. I know wh at time nobody is there. I may even take my healing frineds with me (the dogs). I will write out my speeches to those I am saying a final good-bye to and stare at the sky and into the trees. I am thinking dawn is a perfect time because the sun is so beautiful as lowers and colors the sky orange, like fire. Then I will drive to the river and throw the notes I wrote into the river. I am thinking around my birthday, which is coming up.I feel like a Born Again Person (I guess something like a Born Again Christian who feels he/she is born again when he accepts Christ) except this time I will be born again when I believe in myself because until recently I did not totally believe in myself before. I am starting to see that my perceptions were the right ones to me and that the only person's eyes and ears I need to trust are my own.Cedar, before I go (and, yes, I'll be back. In fact I'm going to check and see if there are any new posts)...I have been published already. Again, "she" demeaned it by calling it porn, which is typical. I write very erotic romance, mainly because currently that is what sells the most and what is published most often. I use a pen name, a few in fact. I wrote a gay male/male and used a man's name. Most writers I've found do not use their own names or have a few names for different genres. Sadly, when I work I don't have the same creative energy that I have when I don't work. But I am going to try to write again and I want to learn to crochet <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I'm going to find a teacher. I also like to sing and do drama...there are groups for that.My biggest undercover secret, which I decided not to keep a secret anymore because I have no reason to be ashamed, is t hat I am shortly going to enter a class for people to become Peer Specialists to the newly diagnosed mentally ill who go to a particular place to hang out and get hellp. Most seem normal.  Many are recovering drug addicts. Actually, having a mental illness does not mean you are "crazy." That is the connotations peopjle project when they wish to smear somebody who has a brain disorder, as the doctors describe it. Many things we don't think of are mental illnesses---chronic depression certainly, up and down moods that do not meet the extreme of bipolar, bipolar, eating disorders of all kinds (bulemia/anorexia), obsessive compulsive disorder...anything that keeps somebody from living life normally and happily or can damage your health. Cutting is a serious mental health issue. My very best friend who died once was a cutter. She said it was very hard to stop...it becomes addictive.I want to help them because I've done so well and feel so good and I remember being a scared 23 year old pregnant girl in the hospital at the university, this young white girl in a great hospital but in a poor area of town, and how the older patients of all colors made me their own, cared for me, assured me I'd get better, gave me hope, gave me love. I want to give that back to others. That's partly why I post here as my own kids are not really struggling now.  So I am very excited to start the classes. We have to go for ten weeks and can not miss one week or we have to wait and take the course again. If we pass, we are taught how to help those going through difficulties in mental health.I am very excited about this. No, it does not papy a dime. But it's the kind of helping hand I like to extend in an area of life that I understand, lived through, and thrived under...and I don't look down at the afflicted people. I don't believe they are "crazy" in the mean sense of the world. I know better.Although I will be busy, I will still be here with all my friends from Conduct Disorders.Talk to you again later today!</blockquote>

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