CDN_DAD_in_tough
Member
Hi Lila256. As others have noted, this is a fantastic place to get some good advice and just to vent. Your situation is pretty extreme and it absolutely helps to be able to discuss things with people who have been through similar troubles. My son is 16 and thankfully isn't quite the challenge your stepson is. Even so, much of what you describe is familiar to me. There's been lots and lots of unpleasantness over the past few years and really since he was 8 or 9 even. He's got no real interest in school and skips whenever the mood strikes him - basically skipped half of last year. From the age of about 11 to 15 he spent lots of time couch surfing at friend's - most of whom we'd never met and really didn't trust. He's lazy, argumentative, refuses to accept parental oversight. Basically whatever he decides he wants to do at any given time is what has to happen no matter what else may be going on. Needless to say that is un-workable and leads to lots of conflict. He also seems to have zero empathy or conscience. He uses drugs, drinks, has sex. He lives with me now (for the past year) because the time he spent with his mom after we separated ended with him throwing a howler in her house while she was out for the evening and her kicking him out. There is something fundamentally wrong with him...whether it's ODD, ADHD or depression or something else...but whatever it is he isn't interested in working with us (myself or his mother - we're divorced) to address his issues so the daily struggle just goes on and on. There's been CFS involvement and we've called the police on several occasions. There's been physical altercations (generally a result of me trying to get him out of bed in the morning to go to school and so that I can get to work) between he and myself which lead to me being investigated for abuse briefly by CFS (who we actually contacted ourselves for help) but that was quickly cleared up and the file closed. I mean all I have to do is show the police my text log from my son and they start saying "oh yeah this kid needs a beatdown." My son literally can't get through two sentences without telling me to off and calling me things like or - even when he's asking me for something like money or a ride! It's absolutely ludicrous!
And yet, he CAN perform better if he chooses to - which has been proven over the past 6 months as he's met a girl and she has had a positive impact in some ways in the sense that she is a good student and he wants to impress her so he has been attending more regularly. But my life with him is just miserable. There is no trust there - I don't even feel safe giving him his own key because I know he'll be bringing his girl over after school when I'm not there. Of course him not having a key creates all sorts of difficulty on a daily basis. He also seems to have no inclination to take care of anything - he just doesn't seem to care which makes me feel like I can't trust him with being responsible for the home in which we live. Almost everything he does seems to have an element of aggression towards me - even just taking a pee! He's pees all over the toilet seat when he's angry about something - sort of like a monkey or something. I lock my bedroom door every time I leave the house because he just goes in and takes things. we also don't talk - almost all communication between myself and him is via text msg, even when we are both at home. All he does is tell me how much he hates me and "my family" - which of course is his family but he's cut them all out of his life. I constantly second guess myself - on the one hand I feel like I want him to have some freedom and responsibility and I want to trust him and yet on the other hand every time I do so he lets me down and blows it so that now I pretty much can't bring myself to do it anymore. He also seems to be a pathological liar - his word means nothing...and he'll lie right to my face with such conviction that I actually think he believes he's telling the truth even though I know he isn't!
I have a younger son (12 now) who exhibits virtually none of his older brothers traits. I mean for my younger boy to give me the finger or swear at me - well it would just be completely out of the blue. I literally haven't ever heard him say anything worse than "dangit!" My older son was flipping the bird at me and telling me to f off when he was 9. It's perplexing really because they were both brought up in exactly the same environment. Our household wasn't perfect, but we had a decent comfortable middle class life and neither myself or my ex had drug or alcohol issues and there wasn't any violence or anything. In the end I think it comes down to this - some kids place different challenges in front of parents and some parents just aren't the right people for some challenges. I think we weren't the right parents for my older son. We didn't give him whatever the specific things were that he needed early on and now we are struggling to try and deal with his issues.
And yet, he CAN perform better if he chooses to - which has been proven over the past 6 months as he's met a girl and she has had a positive impact in some ways in the sense that she is a good student and he wants to impress her so he has been attending more regularly. But my life with him is just miserable. There is no trust there - I don't even feel safe giving him his own key because I know he'll be bringing his girl over after school when I'm not there. Of course him not having a key creates all sorts of difficulty on a daily basis. He also seems to have no inclination to take care of anything - he just doesn't seem to care which makes me feel like I can't trust him with being responsible for the home in which we live. Almost everything he does seems to have an element of aggression towards me - even just taking a pee! He's pees all over the toilet seat when he's angry about something - sort of like a monkey or something. I lock my bedroom door every time I leave the house because he just goes in and takes things. we also don't talk - almost all communication between myself and him is via text msg, even when we are both at home. All he does is tell me how much he hates me and "my family" - which of course is his family but he's cut them all out of his life. I constantly second guess myself - on the one hand I feel like I want him to have some freedom and responsibility and I want to trust him and yet on the other hand every time I do so he lets me down and blows it so that now I pretty much can't bring myself to do it anymore. He also seems to be a pathological liar - his word means nothing...and he'll lie right to my face with such conviction that I actually think he believes he's telling the truth even though I know he isn't!
I have a younger son (12 now) who exhibits virtually none of his older brothers traits. I mean for my younger boy to give me the finger or swear at me - well it would just be completely out of the blue. I literally haven't ever heard him say anything worse than "dangit!" My older son was flipping the bird at me and telling me to f off when he was 9. It's perplexing really because they were both brought up in exactly the same environment. Our household wasn't perfect, but we had a decent comfortable middle class life and neither myself or my ex had drug or alcohol issues and there wasn't any violence or anything. In the end I think it comes down to this - some kids place different challenges in front of parents and some parents just aren't the right people for some challenges. I think we weren't the right parents for my older son. We didn't give him whatever the specific things were that he needed early on and now we are struggling to try and deal with his issues.