Lying?

heather34576

New Member
Hello all. It's been quite a while since I've been on here. My son (now 7) has been doing better in some respects and worse in others. Anyway I have a new concern - lying. There is a lot of little lies, cheating at games, taking things of ours an hiding them (like our car keys). But a couple times now he has lied about quite serious things. He says it's because he was bored? How concerned should I be?
 

runawaybunny

Administrator
Staff member

heather34576

New Member
Thanks ... I'm being intentionally vague due to privacy concerns, but the more serious lies involved an accusation of physical abuse and false medical symptoms.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Most of us have older children but I still remember when my.kids were young. I think it's best to have a therapist help you with this. This problem is difficult and none of us are experts. I would try to work on this now. It is really hard if you have an adult or teen you can't trust. It sounds as if your son has some issues so his doctor knows best in my opinion.

I hope others respond.

Love and hugs.
 

heather34576

New Member
Most of us have older children but I still remember when my.kids were young. I think it's best to have a therapist help you with this. This problem is difficult and none of us are experts. I would try to work on this now. It is really hard if you have an adult or teen you can't trust. It sounds as if your son has some issues so his doctor knows best in my opinion.

I hope others respond.

Love and hugs.
Thanks, we are working with a therapist and a psychiatrist, I just thought maybe someone had been through similar.
 

good vibes

New Member
Here's something to try until things turn, focus your energies on reaffirming positive behaviour rather than punishing negative behaviour.

Lying may be a way of getting your attention. Don't react to a lie, don't get angry, try to ignore it and move onto something else. If he cheats during a game, let him know that you've had enough and don't want to play anymore. Don't punish or lecture. Instead, constantly reaffirm good behaviour. If you ask him to do something and he completes the task, heap praise. If he tells the truth, tell him that you are proud of him. Reward consistently strong behaviour by offering a favourite outing. He should perceive the idea that a reward is more positive time with you. Negative behaviour means you'll walk away or ignore him. At this age, he may also still react to 'token economy'. If he does something positive, reward him with points or stars. For younger ages, the tokenism can be enough, but you could also reward him with an outing or trip if he gets enough points.

Also, a question for your consideration, when did this start? Was there something that happened - maybe someone left the household, a friend betrayed him, trauma, a pet died?
 
Hi Heather, I've been meaning to post but my laptop broke and it took me a while to get around to logging back in here. My experience may be useful and it's relevant to Good Vibes's sage advice, mainly in that I don't think we followed it!
My son who is now 25 and is troubled, (can't look after money, constantly tapping me for funds in between ghosting me and blamimg me for everything wrong in his life, anxious, depressed, angry)
was a bright but slightly lonely kid, watched a lot of TV, had an older sister who didn't have much interest in him, was an avid attention seeker from 2 years old. We look back and realise we should have been MUCH more attentive to him and his needs, though we did try we were both working parents and tired, we are educators and artists, jealous of our free time and always involved in our own projects and goals. When he was around 9 or 10, he developed a 'pain in his hip' and started limping. We took him to the doctors and he was to our horror taken into hospital for a thorough range of tests and I was in pieces thinking the worst. I spent a week sleeping in armchairs next to his bed and he cried out with the pain, I was giving him all the painkillers the medics would allow.
After this the pediatrician came up to me and told me the pain was in his head, imaginary. They sent him home with crutches, and very little advice on what to do. My son would not have it and we couldn't call him out or accuse him of lying, as the docs said "the pain is real to him'. But he went to school, and was very happy he was the centre of attention, running around the playground with his crutches!
I was at my wits end and so tired. He still cried out. We still gave him painkillers. In the end I appealed to his school teacher and explained the situation. She was a very straight forward woman (I bless her even today!) and he came home the next day crying that she had taken his crutches away!
But after that the cure was complete and we heard no more about it. Perhaps it was being bullied at school, the medics had suggested, and we agreed it was quite likely.
My son I believe is what they used to call Aspie, but it seems to me that so many people including myself and many in my family are like this and we didn't think there was much that could be done and my husband didn't want son ' labelled' . We hoped he would grow out of his behaviours but he seems to have developed into something of a 'borderline' / 'narcissist' personality. I do advise you at this age to get him as much socialising help as you can. Listen to him, try to draw him out as to if any underlying trauma or issues that may be going on with him. Try to show him empathy, and give him quality time and attention when he's doing good but also enforce crystal clear consequences and boundaries when he's doing bad. I so wish we had been as clear and not constantly reinforcing bad habits and attention seeking behaviors in my own son. Wishing you all the very best, hopefully it is not too late for you.
 

good vibes

New Member
Hi Heather - I was wondering how things were going? Did you try the positive reinforcement technique? I know it's counter intuitive - heaping praise on the smallest concession to civil behaviour, while ignoring serious lies and bad behaviour. However, many in that age group will respond to it. I was hoping it might have helped.
 
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