Hi, I'm new so your forgiveness is begged if I screw up how to do this. Daughter age 21 has had a lifetime of difficulty, I don't even want to say dual diagnoses, there are like five, ex and I (still amicable) are exhausted and broke. Endless hospitalizations, never keeps a job, wrecks housing we provide, loses everything, associates with bad people etc. The newest plan is to take a bus with nonfunctional felon boyfriend who has been sponging off us for ten months across the country to be homeless in California. Needless to say my brain will not stop running. I am terrified. Will she survive? How do I? I know all about naranon and Buddhism and letting go, everyone in my life either gets angry at my total psychic collapse or says "so sorry to hear that" and fb full of everyone else's functional kids. I feel like I could fill an ocean with tears. Reading here I see many in the same boat. Thank you for feedback.
New and pretty hopeless
- Thread starter justrose
- Start date
Wow. I totally understand where you are coming from except mine is a almost 21 year old male. He has exhausted all my patience with his failure to launch, constant drug abuse, dropping out of high school, not holding a job, 2 DUI’s, and is now living on the streets here in California. He texts me now once or twice a week asking to come home but I can’t do it anymore. I get what you are saying regarding the FB posts. I quit checking FB because I got tired of seeing people post all there happiness with there children and how well they were doing. I really don’t have much advice except know you did not cause her strong willingness to do her own thing. Our children are just wired differently. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for your kindness. It's good to know I'm not alone although my heart breaks for your situation.
Justrose, oh, boy, and considering it's a really bad plan she will most likely go through with it. Both of your questions, how will she survive and how do you, are really good ones.
I don't know what I would have done if a mental health organization had not stepped in to help my son after many hospital stays. He can't live here, I couldn't take it any longer. They provide housing for him and take him to social services, food banks and such. You probably know she will be calling you from Cali looking for a ride back home. If I were you, I'd provide a bus ticket for her but not him. But then she needs services, services that might have already been offered to her but seen as beneath her at the time. My son is happy he has a place to stay now, is grateful for it and loves it, but blames me still for his past homeless situations. Situations I felt forced to not rescue him from after so many rescues and years of chaos created by him. The jury is still out on my son but he's been waffling between apologizing to me and anger towards me lately. One thing I do know is I couldn't continue the wash, rinse, repeat for myself and mostly for him if he is going to have a chance of living somewhat successfully on his own at some point.
I won't go on about how to continue with what you have been trying for yourself. I know there are times when you feel like there's nothing you have tried already that will help when things to upside down like now for you. All I can suggest is something that works for me, but maybe not for you ~ I go outside, wherever I am, in my bare feet and feel the earth, that makes me then notice my surroundings, makes me take deep breaths, feel my self grounding to the earth. It doesn't fix anything but it takes me outside of myself to realize I'm not in charge of making everything right for those around me, I'm only a small speck in the universe and not in charge. Which gives me a little comfort.
I also know what it's like dealing with that alternate world compared to what we experience. I have a couple of very close friends who I don't mention my son to anymore because they either get angry with him or angry with me and want me to to just exit him from my life. These are otherwise normal people who wouldn't think of disowning their own children, but then their children don't have the issues ours have. I'm 100% positive they wouldn't appreciate the same advice from me if their children were (non)functioning as ours are, but, well, it is what it is. So over the years I've become really good at stepping away from them to take a call from him, getting off of the phone after a sizzling blast from my son, taking a breath and going back and acting like nothing happened. I don't know how I even do it when I think about it, but I know it's something called compartmentalizing. And I know I'm not going to get any kind of support so I no longer look for it. If I'm really upset I find an innocuous excuse for ending my time with them and go lick my wounds by myself. No one seems to ever notice. I figure that's what therapists and our special space here is for, only those who can relate, can relate.
As far as "fakebook" being full of other people's functioning kids, my take is normally if someone is proud of their kid for whatever, they tell them in person. If they have to go to fakebook to acclaim that kind of stuff to me it seems either their kids don't have time for them or they don't have the relationship they show online. I'm old school, as in you do the important stuff in person, so I could be off, but too much online just seems contrived to me. For example ~ one of my neighbors is kind of loud and bit*hes his twenty something daughter out on the regular, very loud, and very nasty, which I hear across the street from my home if my windows are open. Then after one of those crazy sessions he puts a picture of her and some proclamation of how great she is on fakebook and she responds with a heart emoji. I'm sure not all are like that but there are enough who's "real" lives I'm very familiar with who's fakebook stuff I know is just that, fake.
I don't know what I would have done if a mental health organization had not stepped in to help my son after many hospital stays. He can't live here, I couldn't take it any longer. They provide housing for him and take him to social services, food banks and such. You probably know she will be calling you from Cali looking for a ride back home. If I were you, I'd provide a bus ticket for her but not him. But then she needs services, services that might have already been offered to her but seen as beneath her at the time. My son is happy he has a place to stay now, is grateful for it and loves it, but blames me still for his past homeless situations. Situations I felt forced to not rescue him from after so many rescues and years of chaos created by him. The jury is still out on my son but he's been waffling between apologizing to me and anger towards me lately. One thing I do know is I couldn't continue the wash, rinse, repeat for myself and mostly for him if he is going to have a chance of living somewhat successfully on his own at some point.
I won't go on about how to continue with what you have been trying for yourself. I know there are times when you feel like there's nothing you have tried already that will help when things to upside down like now for you. All I can suggest is something that works for me, but maybe not for you ~ I go outside, wherever I am, in my bare feet and feel the earth, that makes me then notice my surroundings, makes me take deep breaths, feel my self grounding to the earth. It doesn't fix anything but it takes me outside of myself to realize I'm not in charge of making everything right for those around me, I'm only a small speck in the universe and not in charge. Which gives me a little comfort.
I also know what it's like dealing with that alternate world compared to what we experience. I have a couple of very close friends who I don't mention my son to anymore because they either get angry with him or angry with me and want me to to just exit him from my life. These are otherwise normal people who wouldn't think of disowning their own children, but then their children don't have the issues ours have. I'm 100% positive they wouldn't appreciate the same advice from me if their children were (non)functioning as ours are, but, well, it is what it is. So over the years I've become really good at stepping away from them to take a call from him, getting off of the phone after a sizzling blast from my son, taking a breath and going back and acting like nothing happened. I don't know how I even do it when I think about it, but I know it's something called compartmentalizing. And I know I'm not going to get any kind of support so I no longer look for it. If I'm really upset I find an innocuous excuse for ending my time with them and go lick my wounds by myself. No one seems to ever notice. I figure that's what therapists and our special space here is for, only those who can relate, can relate.
As far as "fakebook" being full of other people's functioning kids, my take is normally if someone is proud of their kid for whatever, they tell them in person. If they have to go to fakebook to acclaim that kind of stuff to me it seems either their kids don't have time for them or they don't have the relationship they show online. I'm old school, as in you do the important stuff in person, so I could be off, but too much online just seems contrived to me. For example ~ one of my neighbors is kind of loud and bit*hes his twenty something daughter out on the regular, very loud, and very nasty, which I hear across the street from my home if my windows are open. Then after one of those crazy sessions he puts a picture of her and some proclamation of how great she is on fakebook and she responds with a heart emoji. I'm sure not all are like that but there are enough who's "real" lives I'm very familiar with who's fakebook stuff I know is just that, fake.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Welcome Justrose and Dodee
You are not alone. I have been here on this forum for over 6 years. My son is now almost 33. Everything you are both enduring applies to us too. My son is homeless unless I house him, and receiving SSI, which he uses primarily to buy marijuana, cigarettes, other forms of nicotine, caffeine pills, energy drinks, and what else, I don't know.
I could never have imagined I could tolerate this ongoing, but I have to, and I do. If I had to do it over again I would have done whatever it took to lessen the stress on myself, my emotional and physical health.
The important thing to remember is that they are separate people from us, our children. At this age although they want to be dependent upon us (while doing exactly what they want in their lives, with their bodies, with us and in our homes), they are no longer our dependents--they are autonomous adults. We are not responsible for curbing and changing their behaviors or forcing them to be better or do more. Trying to make them do anything is impossible. It only tears us down and brings us to despair. Any change will come from them if they want it when they want it.
I am the only one of my friends who has a child so problemed. While I don't do the Facebook thing I do feel bad because my friends' children look after them, help them, offer companionship, and are a source of pride--instead of stress, worry, fear, sadness, and worse.
I feel guilty writing this because I love my child with all of my heart. But it's the truth.
I fantasize about some future time when my son can again be a companion, a source of pride and joy. But that person is not who my son really is, as an adult. For the longest time, I thought that if I could not get him to change, then I would have to, and come to accept him as he is. But I can't, at least for now. It costs me too much, emotionally, because of how selfish my son can be with me, and how uncaring.
People urge me to "accept." But how to accept that a child lives a dangerous and degrading life?
After all, I love him so much. I don't have the defenses and don't want to have the defenses it would take, in order to be with him, the way he is, for now.
I didn't mean to write a post like this. It just came out of me.
For the longest time, I was tethered to my son like a Siamese twin. I was just tortured by it. I have finally let go. Not the way some parents have, which is a hard stop. I'd say it's a "soft stop." We are in contact when he wants to be. He's staying right now for a couple of days in a property I own until his SSI money arrives on the first. But I have no real investment in any change on his part.
This isn't to say he won't change. He may. But it won't be on any terms or timetable that I set. The way I see it, hope is mine to have--it has nothing to do with him.
I have gotten a great deal from being on this forum. Most of all, the people here have been companions and great support. They know me as well or better than close, lifelong friends--perhaps better--and I have never met them, and know few of their real names. There are a few members who've been here longer than I have. I feel so grateful that they're still here with me. I've tried to back off from posting, but I miss it when I do.
Once again, I welcome you and urge you to keep posting. You are not alone. There are people here who understand and who care.
You are not alone. I have been here on this forum for over 6 years. My son is now almost 33. Everything you are both enduring applies to us too. My son is homeless unless I house him, and receiving SSI, which he uses primarily to buy marijuana, cigarettes, other forms of nicotine, caffeine pills, energy drinks, and what else, I don't know.
I could never have imagined I could tolerate this ongoing, but I have to, and I do. If I had to do it over again I would have done whatever it took to lessen the stress on myself, my emotional and physical health.
The important thing to remember is that they are separate people from us, our children. At this age although they want to be dependent upon us (while doing exactly what they want in their lives, with their bodies, with us and in our homes), they are no longer our dependents--they are autonomous adults. We are not responsible for curbing and changing their behaviors or forcing them to be better or do more. Trying to make them do anything is impossible. It only tears us down and brings us to despair. Any change will come from them if they want it when they want it.
I am the only one of my friends who has a child so problemed. While I don't do the Facebook thing I do feel bad because my friends' children look after them, help them, offer companionship, and are a source of pride--instead of stress, worry, fear, sadness, and worse.
I feel guilty writing this because I love my child with all of my heart. But it's the truth.
I fantasize about some future time when my son can again be a companion, a source of pride and joy. But that person is not who my son really is, as an adult. For the longest time, I thought that if I could not get him to change, then I would have to, and come to accept him as he is. But I can't, at least for now. It costs me too much, emotionally, because of how selfish my son can be with me, and how uncaring.
People urge me to "accept." But how to accept that a child lives a dangerous and degrading life?
After all, I love him so much. I don't have the defenses and don't want to have the defenses it would take, in order to be with him, the way he is, for now.
I didn't mean to write a post like this. It just came out of me.
For the longest time, I was tethered to my son like a Siamese twin. I was just tortured by it. I have finally let go. Not the way some parents have, which is a hard stop. I'd say it's a "soft stop." We are in contact when he wants to be. He's staying right now for a couple of days in a property I own until his SSI money arrives on the first. But I have no real investment in any change on his part.
This isn't to say he won't change. He may. But it won't be on any terms or timetable that I set. The way I see it, hope is mine to have--it has nothing to do with him.
I have gotten a great deal from being on this forum. Most of all, the people here have been companions and great support. They know me as well or better than close, lifelong friends--perhaps better--and I have never met them, and know few of their real names. There are a few members who've been here longer than I have. I feel so grateful that they're still here with me. I've tried to back off from posting, but I miss it when I do.
Once again, I welcome you and urge you to keep posting. You are not alone. There are people here who understand and who care.
BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
Wow. I just read this now and my heart bleeds for you. Your daughters situation is so much like mine. She is now in her mid thirties but she sounds like your daughters clone. We also bought her places to live (never worked out due to behaviors and fighting with her worthless husband loudly and in the halls and outdoors too). We bought her three cars and she totaled all three. We paid rent when it was clear these two could never be responsible home owners. Ten years later we finally closed the Bank of Dad and Mom and she disowned us. She also gave their son to my other daughter to raise ( thank God). She never calls to ask about him but he is doing well, all things considered. I wish she'd get her tubes tied.
Life got better for us after I quit refusing to go to therapy and Nar Anon (zi didn't think I could tell anyone our story plus I didn't think it would help). But my husband and I were about to divorce so I gave in. Thank God! We are still together and learned to detach, living a good life even though Kay is homeless in a delapidated motorhome in Arizona, across the country from us. Her husband works for a pizza place part time (his go to place to work). Kay does not work, will not work. They both managed to get SSI which includes a food card and Medicare. I am grateful. She seems oddly happy living "outside of the rat race." I don't read her FB but cousins sometimes give us updates, although Kay lies so much that any updates could be made up
We learned in Nar Anon and in therapy that the best way to help Kay is not to help. And this is proving to be true. Nobody has control of how even a beloved child lives her life. We can only control our reaction to it and we chose to detach and focus on our marriage, our other kids, our dear friends and God. We semi retired from our business and we take as much joy from life as we can. We move into love, not chaos that we can't control. I go to therapy and Nar Anon as they really help me remember to take care of the only person I can control....me.
Early on we were not brave and thought we had to save Kay. The more we did it seemed the more she expected, the less she would try. After Jaden came we helped more....for him. She only wanted him as a meal ticket from us. That's another story.
Kay is a actually doing better now than she did with us enabling her. At least they both got on SSI and have some money, food cards and Medicare. Kay forever raves about being happy without having "societal expectations " Do I get it? I never will. But it's her life. I don't have to understand it.
Wise words from Nar Anon that took me a while to accept: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't CURE it. Now I believe. My other kids are fine. Something about Kay is the reason she is like this. We did not being her up to be homeless, not work and get high. Neither did you raise your daughter to be how she is. And we can't control or cure it. by the way, your family doesn't understand. I would stop sharing or accepting their "help " They are not any more sure of what to do than we are. My Nar Anon sponsor is now my best friend. She gets it.
If God is in your life try handing your daughter to Him.
Hugs and love.
Life got better for us after I quit refusing to go to therapy and Nar Anon (zi didn't think I could tell anyone our story plus I didn't think it would help). But my husband and I were about to divorce so I gave in. Thank God! We are still together and learned to detach, living a good life even though Kay is homeless in a delapidated motorhome in Arizona, across the country from us. Her husband works for a pizza place part time (his go to place to work). Kay does not work, will not work. They both managed to get SSI which includes a food card and Medicare. I am grateful. She seems oddly happy living "outside of the rat race." I don't read her FB but cousins sometimes give us updates, although Kay lies so much that any updates could be made up
We learned in Nar Anon and in therapy that the best way to help Kay is not to help. And this is proving to be true. Nobody has control of how even a beloved child lives her life. We can only control our reaction to it and we chose to detach and focus on our marriage, our other kids, our dear friends and God. We semi retired from our business and we take as much joy from life as we can. We move into love, not chaos that we can't control. I go to therapy and Nar Anon as they really help me remember to take care of the only person I can control....me.
Early on we were not brave and thought we had to save Kay. The more we did it seemed the more she expected, the less she would try. After Jaden came we helped more....for him. She only wanted him as a meal ticket from us. That's another story.
Kay is a actually doing better now than she did with us enabling her. At least they both got on SSI and have some money, food cards and Medicare. Kay forever raves about being happy without having "societal expectations " Do I get it? I never will. But it's her life. I don't have to understand it.
Wise words from Nar Anon that took me a while to accept: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't CURE it. Now I believe. My other kids are fine. Something about Kay is the reason she is like this. We did not being her up to be homeless, not work and get high. Neither did you raise your daughter to be how she is. And we can't control or cure it. by the way, your family doesn't understand. I would stop sharing or accepting their "help " They are not any more sure of what to do than we are. My Nar Anon sponsor is now my best friend. She gets it.
If God is in your life try handing your daughter to Him.
Hugs and love.
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JayPee
Sending good vibes...
Sorry you find yourself here but sometimes the beginning of our healing is coming out of isolation. It allows us to "hear" ourselves and process the insanity as we write and discuss what's in our hearts. Sharing with those of us who understand makes us feel less abnormal.
Unfortunately, none of us "graduate" from this forum, although there are a few success stories it's really a process of life that "we" have to learn to journey while being jabbed and poked along the way by the hurts and pains of our adult "lost" children.
The key to unlocking the door to your healing will be when you can accept the situation for better or worst and not feel so devistated when things go wrong (as they usually do). Detaching with love is difficult and has a lot of back and forth movements. You are not bad because you can't get this the first time around. Be loving to yourself and nurturing in your own thoughts. We tend to beat ourselves up in self-talk. Should have, could have, would haves...
Keeping you in my prayers...
Unfortunately, none of us "graduate" from this forum, although there are a few success stories it's really a process of life that "we" have to learn to journey while being jabbed and poked along the way by the hurts and pains of our adult "lost" children.
The key to unlocking the door to your healing will be when you can accept the situation for better or worst and not feel so devistated when things go wrong (as they usually do). Detaching with love is difficult and has a lot of back and forth movements. You are not bad because you can't get this the first time around. Be loving to yourself and nurturing in your own thoughts. We tend to beat ourselves up in self-talk. Should have, could have, would haves...
Keeping you in my prayers...
JC RoseWoods
Battle weary
I felt compelled to say something about the FB posts. There is alarming evidence that social media sites like FB significantly contribute to worsening behavioral health. The short version is you shouldn’t believe all of those happy photos you see. More and more evidence is coming forward that an increasing number of people put up an image that’s carefully constructed. The underlying problem is that you only get to see what is allowed to be shown, and most anybody can make themselves look good with photo selection and posting family bliss that isn’t really going on in the real world. Sadly, this further contributes to your (our) suffering as it can further worsen how we feel in an already overwhelming situation. The data on the damage of social media our youth is terrifying too, but since those platforms have so much political clout ($$$$), not much will be done about it.
just rose
I so get it and send my prayers for your strength. I am in therapy and it is helping me find the energy I need to put back into myself. True I gave my vicious entitled 30 year old daughter a life, and was a good role model. But her behavior is her choice. (I, too am an educator of special needs kids and a proud Marine wife). We can give our all to our kids, what they learn and HOW they learn it is theirs. I refuse to enter into a game with my eldest, who has the audacity to use my relationship with her and my grandson as an emotional pawn in a game. I am learning to self care, and am becoming aware of who does or does not have the capacity to support me. Keeping a gratitude journal, starting my day to ground myself with prayer or meditation. It is hard at this stage of life to put self first, but martyrs die. Not a choice for me.
I am NOT on FB. Never will be. People here seem to keep it real, and you can't fake it till you make it forever, just cause other folks are more concerned with outward appearances. Screw that!
I am too old to change, and would prefer to tell it like it as, as always.
I had a total wig-out today, just before my therapy. I have a long fuse, but I blew! Finally threw on my coat, took a walk with my hubby, confronted the straw that broke this camels back, and felt much better.
We have got to fight for the control of our peace of mind most, when others manipulate us to take it, I think.
Keep the faith, and the hope.
I offer you every prayer, and my support, hoping any of this stuff that I wrote can help. Hugs to you
