(NPD) Adult Son and (NPD) Narcissitic Mother Living Together Father Wants Son Out

[EvenTheDogMovedOut]

Hi, I wrote here 9 months ago.

My father and I (adult daughter) are seeking advice on how to get an abusive (physical and emotional) son to move out of the house when his wife (my mother) is also a covert narcissist and the two live in a chronic, pathological co-dependent relationship in the family house. The two defend the other and find pleasure in generating emotional pain and drama. My father cannot have a conversation of reason with either on any level. They are also extremely paranoid and as a side note, my mother is also a hoarder (oh joy).

Well for me I'm NO CONTACT and have been since the one other time I posted here last year. My life is beautiful I don't have emotions to share further as I have handled that aspect. My father and I now navigate the legal aspects.

My father has his own place and so do I.

How have others here resolved such a scenario when one reasonable parent wants the adult child (30's) out of the house, but the other parent is an emotionally abusive covert narcissistic?

Legally what re-course is there? Speaking with an attorney goes without saying.
There is no negotiation of reason with my father's wife (my mother). She does not have that mental capacity, but I can't prove that legally at this juncture. Is her word of saying she wants the son in the house legally justifiable against his? Can we legally force my mother to undergo a psychiatric evaluation?

The money that pays for the house is my father's. It's a joint property state. Can my father force a sale of the house? Does anyone have any ideas on how he can proceed? Or share your experience in getting resolution with a similar situation?

I guarantee a physical body attack to actually remove the son from the house sans police. Even with police if my mother says she wants the son to stay, and my father says go, what's the point of the family drama?

I have considered bringing in uncles to come get my sibling out of the house, but if the wife (my mother) wants the son there, that is a pointless, futile use of energy.

Are claiming property damages a viable excuse to remove the son from the house? My father could call the police to remove the son, but again, you've got a mother that will "defend son unto death" ( even though technically she has soul killed him already).

Also last big question --- I think my sibling has Stockholm Syndrome? He has no rational thinking (that i can document)---He defends our mother ("unto death"). This is a pathological, co-dependent relationship of mother and son. If my brother has one iota of a possible future of sanity, it won't happen co-habitating with the mother.

I've read that if one parent wants the adult child in the house that they cancel each other out?
Has anyone handled this type of situation with an attorney and what was the outcome?

Yes, we have an attorney, but any insights would be helpful. Thank You.

 

[BusynMember]

The only way your father can have his way from what I know is to file for divorce. Even then it is no sure thing. At all. The assets will be divided up 50/50. I dont think anyone can force mom to sell house.

This is not something you or dad can do anything about and I believe as long as they are legally married, Dad cant force her or brother to leave.

Everyone is too old for forced psychiatric care. Forget that part of it. Your non medical diagnosis of the situation will not be taken into consideration. No offense. Just how it is. Even if she is really a narcicist, that wont legally get her thrown out. Your brother is grown up. Even if you think she damages him, true or not, he is responsible for his life at his age.

A big disadvantage to dad is that he left the house. I know that in Family Court, he who leaves is at a big disadvantage as far as getting the house, no matter how hard it was to live there.

in my opinion best you can do is to keep moving on with your life. Your father will have to decide if he wants to get divorced and see what assets end up in his hands.

Sometimes what we think is fair is just not legal. Dad cant make anyone leave since the house belongs to both. Also Son would probably need to be legally evicted (i am thinking by both) since that is his residence.

There is no simple, cheap answer. You, Uncles, kissing cousins....legally you and they have no dog in this fight.

Your dad has to take action. Or not. And there is no guarantee of the outcome. Mom could be awarded the house in a divorce. Or not. He married her and is still married. All their marital assets, as far as I know, belong to both of them unless there is a divorce. The usual division is 50/50 and personalities are not taken into consideration. Divorce is no fault.

Dad should check with a lawyer. You say he has one. Obviously nothing is happening. in my opinion nothing will happen. Legally a Judge wont tell a wife to move out and the son is a legal resident of the house...that is why you have a lawyer, but are looking for advice here. Nobody is legally wrong regarding Mom and Brother. Court is not based on emotions, just the law.

Keep on thriving. The only person you have control over in your family (or anywhere else) is you. Stay out of family drama and build a better life for yourself. You can not take care of your father. He is an adult.

Good luck!

 

[wisernow]

Hi Even: I am so happy that you have gotten on with your life and have left this drama behind. Good for you. As far as your mom and dad...they need to sort it. If Mom doesn't want son out, I cant think of any legal way to do it other than divorce. I would caution against physically forcing him out by cousins etc...its like that he or Mom would press assault charges. Let the two of them live the way they want or need to. You and Dad are finding your way. Hugs.

 

[EvenTheDogMovedOut]

So not one married couple on this forum has had resolution with one parent wanting an adult child kicked out and the other wanting to keep the adult child living in the family home?

To be clear in my post, I'm looking to hear from a parent who sought to kick out the grown child against the spouse's wishes.

What was the outcome? Legally? Financially? And emotionally?
Or does that parent just "Walk away from the house/spouse/adult child".

You don't just "Let people live" when assets are involved. Period.
You stand up, you use methodology, you use a restraining order against the adult child.

 

[Crayola13]

If the relationship is that dysfunctional, the mother and son might eventually turn on each other. Neither of them is right in the head. They're both mentally unstable. I think this situation might take care of itself, but probably not for years. They will be at each other's throats soon enough. Years from now they will decide they have had enough of each other.

 

[BusynMember]

If it were that easy to get rid of somebody, your lawyer would be making progress. You would not be asking here. And you would have received answers here that made you feel good. We are supportive when we can be.

The assets are decided in court and in a community state, they are 50/50. Dad and Mom. Not you and brother. And this happens during divorce. Right now, what is his is hers. If he doesnt like it, he can divorce her and he will get 50% of the assets. So will she. He may even have to pay her marital support.

You are very young and still believe life should be based on what you see is fair. Court is not about giving the assets to the person you think deserves it. Court is about law.

For your own sake, keep enjoying your life and let go of this. It is not fixable in the way you want it to be. Nobody is going to throw your mom and brother out of their home. Even if you dont like the situation. Dad can shake things up by going through a divorce, but he is not going to walk away with everything. He may not get the house. This is completely between Dad and Mom. Everything Dad owns, mom does too. It is out of your hands. If they dont agree amicably on what to do, a Judge will do so. Or nothing will happen at all.

Many parents here wish to make a grown child leave (mostly Dad or Stepdad) and Mom wont do it. Either Dad/StepDad leaves for good or they all co-exist. This is not easy to fix. To fix it both parents wouldo have to evict the grown child. I dont think there is any way to get Mom out of her own home.

 

[EvenTheDogMovedOut]

I really do appreciate everyone's replies. Crayola13 really hits what I know inside. My mother and brother will have an explosion sooner or later. Mitigating it probably isn't possible. Thank you for hearing me and acknowledging the mentally unstable part. It doesn't really matter what the medical diagnosis is, I am looking to articulate that the situation is dire/mentally irrational (i.e., will probably have another violent episode) and that both my mother and brother are displaying deteriorating behavior.

Taking care of ourselves, going no contact are all important tools. I realize there will be a showdown for them probably involving violence.

I haven't seen my father in 6 months and plan to visit this week in a neutral location. He is working on his estate plan. Hence my post.

I hadn't thought too much about the situation the last couple months (YEA! NO CONTACT = HAPPINESS), but my brother wrote me a vile email this past week threatening me and my spouse. I blocked him on my phone a long while back and it was only one mail. The entire email was about that he would never forgive me if I didn't apologize to our mother. And how awful I have been. I can't determine if it's a cry for help wondering how I got out and he didn't or if he just wants to recycle drama. No Contact.

Both he and my mother relish emotionally abusing someone so I am far ahead of their maliciousness (NO CONTACT). I'm in a good place, seeking to help my dad navigate on facts and legal only. I can't save my brother or reconcile things with my mother and I'm okay with that. I do see a ticking time bomb. Hence again, no emotions with people like this. It is about logic and legal solutions only.

Maybe this forum is not the correct one for my question (it's logistics and legal, not emotional), however, if what is written here helps someone else, I'll leave it as it is.

For anyone dealing with NPD relatives, there are many good resources. The main thing is to be NO CONTACT or a Low Contact as possible.
Emotional abuse is abuse. You deserve peace. Understanding what NPD is and being no contact has given me peaceful nights and beautiful days.

Thanks for reading.