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The nights are the longest
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764879" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Healing and welcome back. </p><p>So sorry for your need to be here.</p><p>As you may recall my daughter Tornado has been in and out of jail for the last six years primarily for violating her probation. At first, she wanted me to bail her out. No way Jose. I knew with her addiction issues she would think nothing of skipping and leaving me with the bill. Attorney? Nope. There are public defenders available. Attend her court proceedings? My attitude has been that she is an adult, got herself into trouble, that’s on her. My focus had to switch to the younger sibs I was raising. Enough heartache and trying to rescue my two from their choices for years. </p><p>Visit her in prison? Nope. Phone calls? At first I did not put money in her account, then I did. Her attitude changed after a while and I thought that maybe talking to her when she was sober might encourage her to stay the course. </p><p>That is part of my delusion that I have any influence over her choices, I don’t.</p><p>She ended up being accepted into the “Hope program”. Its focus is on getting people into rehab. She has tried rehab several times and walked away, which generates a bench warrant for violating probation. She is currently in a pilot program called Women’s Court. Same focus, get addicts out of jail, into rehab. </p><p>I am glad when she is in jail.</p><p>Never thought I would say that.</p><p>At least I know where she is. </p><p>I actually know one of the guards there who said she is a “model prisoner” who is a leader, gets into the work programs and is kind with the other inmates, unlike some people who become predatorial in jail. He also said that he’s seen more addicts recover in jail, than in rehab. </p><p>I know all the horrible thoughts racing through your mind. Take a deep breath. You are not responsible for your son’s consequences. Tornado recently had her longest period of recovery, and she told me in a sober moment that I take on too much responsibility and blame for her and her sisters choices. </p><p>I thank God for that moment of clarity. I did not see that coming. </p><p>I also did not see her relapsing again after running off with a man she met in rehab. She abandoned her family and her sobriety for a guy she barely knows. </p><p>Sigh.</p><p>Such is the chaos.</p><p>Healing, there has to be some point where we take a deep breath and let go. Let God. I understand your fears of your son retaliating if you don’t “help” him. That is a part of the reality we face, but also an addicts way of keeping us engaged. We fall into this trap of F.ear O.bligation G.uilt. Fog. It’s hard to see through it and come out with a clear view of what’s really going on. </p><p>We raised our kids to be good people. Put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into their childhood. They grew up and made bad choices. </p><p>They are adults and will do as they choose.</p><p>We have absolutely no say in it.</p><p>When they face consequences for their choices, they will try and manipulate us to “help” them. How will they ever learn if we bend over backwards to keep them from dealing with their own actions?</p><p>You did not cause this, nor can you control it</p><p>As for putting money into a jail account. Inmates can join a work program where they get paid. They can write letters. If you feel the need to talk with your son, you can open up a phone account. But, please if you do, set boundaries. Don’t let him abuse the privilege and abuse you.</p><p>Take deep breaths Healing. You have time to think things through and calm yourself. Keep writing, get counseling if you need. </p><p>Jail is not the worst thing that happened to my daughter. She is on the streets again with a bench warrant. I look forward to the day she is caught. Really. It is another chance for her to get sober. </p><p>Hang in there.</p><p>Hugs </p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764879, member: 19522"] Hi Healing and welcome back. So sorry for your need to be here. As you may recall my daughter Tornado has been in and out of jail for the last six years primarily for violating her probation. At first, she wanted me to bail her out. No way Jose. I knew with her addiction issues she would think nothing of skipping and leaving me with the bill. Attorney? Nope. There are public defenders available. Attend her court proceedings? My attitude has been that she is an adult, got herself into trouble, that’s on her. My focus had to switch to the younger sibs I was raising. Enough heartache and trying to rescue my two from their choices for years. Visit her in prison? Nope. Phone calls? At first I did not put money in her account, then I did. Her attitude changed after a while and I thought that maybe talking to her when she was sober might encourage her to stay the course. That is part of my delusion that I have any influence over her choices, I don’t. She ended up being accepted into the “Hope program”. Its focus is on getting people into rehab. She has tried rehab several times and walked away, which generates a bench warrant for violating probation. She is currently in a pilot program called Women’s Court. Same focus, get addicts out of jail, into rehab. I am glad when she is in jail. Never thought I would say that. At least I know where she is. I actually know one of the guards there who said she is a “model prisoner” who is a leader, gets into the work programs and is kind with the other inmates, unlike some people who become predatorial in jail. He also said that he’s seen more addicts recover in jail, than in rehab. I know all the horrible thoughts racing through your mind. Take a deep breath. You are not responsible for your son’s consequences. Tornado recently had her longest period of recovery, and she told me in a sober moment that I take on too much responsibility and blame for her and her sisters choices. I thank God for that moment of clarity. I did not see that coming. I also did not see her relapsing again after running off with a man she met in rehab. She abandoned her family and her sobriety for a guy she barely knows. Sigh. Such is the chaos. Healing, there has to be some point where we take a deep breath and let go. Let God. I understand your fears of your son retaliating if you don’t “help” him. That is a part of the reality we face, but also an addicts way of keeping us engaged. We fall into this trap of F.ear O.bligation G.uilt. Fog. It’s hard to see through it and come out with a clear view of what’s really going on. We raised our kids to be good people. Put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into their childhood. They grew up and made bad choices. They are adults and will do as they choose. We have absolutely no say in it. When they face consequences for their choices, they will try and manipulate us to “help” them. How will they ever learn if we bend over backwards to keep them from dealing with their own actions? You did not cause this, nor can you control it As for putting money into a jail account. Inmates can join a work program where they get paid. They can write letters. If you feel the need to talk with your son, you can open up a phone account. But, please if you do, set boundaries. Don’t let him abuse the privilege and abuse you. Take deep breaths Healing. You have time to think things through and calm yourself. Keep writing, get counseling if you need. Jail is not the worst thing that happened to my daughter. She is on the streets again with a bench warrant. I look forward to the day she is caught. Really. It is another chance for her to get sober. Hang in there. Hugs New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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