Update on son- The cycle continues

[Helpless29]

My last post was my son went back to the same halfway house in Daytona it’s been about a month . He did get a job right away and seemed ok . He was not always in the best spirits , he always seemed to be stressing over money to pay the rent & making ends meet. They were getting on him for missing his mandatory meeting because he cared more about making money then his sobriety.
A week ago , he tried calling me on a video call on FB messager at 1:15am & then sent me a message to add him on Snapchat but I didn’t answer or respond. (it put a knot in my stomach). Next day I sent him a message telling him that he cannot call me at that time . I knew in my gut that this was going to be a start of something bad & it was he got kicked out of the center on Wednesday & found out this morning he’s in jail .
Charges : Battery, resisting arrest ,giving false name & not appearing in court for felony case.
He hasn’t called anyone , we only found out because none of us heard from him so we looked up inmates & there was his mug shot .He looked so different, blood shot eyes , big knotted hair ,didn’t look like my son . Not sure how long he will be in jail but it’s better then the streets . …

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Helpless

I am sorry. Your son has never been humbled. Maybe this will do it. I hope so. He has always seemed to feel there would not be consequences. Or if there were, he could squirrel out of them. And he always did. I see this as a good thing. He can't keep going like this. I know you know this. But feelings are something else again.

He may pressure you for bail or an attorney or both. And he may pressure you to put money on his books. Be prepared.

With your son, I have not believed that addiction was the prime mover in all of this. Rather, his sense that he is above it all. Just smarter and more capable and maybe even superior to everybody else. And that has given him a Teflon-quality.

I do not think he needs support. I don't think he needs a hand. He needs to stew in his own juices. To marinate. I hope they give him a couple of years of time, but from the charges, they may just let him out. That will not be good for him. But what can you do?

I wish you and I could let go of the fantasy that they will just abracadabra, turn into another sort of person. Until he really suffers, he won't. He just does not seem to want to yet. Neither does my own son.

Engaging with them just represents pain and suffering to us. I am not saying they can't change or won't change, but there is nothing we can do to help them. I am evidence of that. I have done everything, and I keep trying. There is nothing that I do, say, give, and want, that is helpful in any way. I just get degraded and worn down by trying. Let him be, Helpless. Let him be responsible for himself.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Good for you for not responding to his frantic texts. You gave yourself a break! As for jail, yes, it's not the streets plus he will be sober and have lots of time to think. I believe NA meetings are offered but maybe not everywhere. And he would have to want to go.

Your son is very young with a chance to turn it around early. Or not. It has always been up to him only. Hopefully this will help him decide to change. In Nar Anon I have heard stories about jail that are all over the board. There is no way to predict an effect. We, as more normal thinking people, tend to use logic about our addicts...."If it just gets bad enough, surely he/she will finally quit"....but the disease of addiction is an illness and is not logical. I have learned not to have any expectations. None. Should and would are no longer part of my vocabulary. There is only now. I have no crystal ball. I also stopped asking myself why. I doubt even Kay truly knows why she is like she is. I will never know why and that's okay.

I live by "Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. There is only today." I have this hung on my refrigerator.

Hopefully your son will decide he has had enough of himself and will stop blaming other people, his upbringing, his karma.... on his bad situation. His mind won't be fogged by drugs. He has a chance to figure it out. Or not. Either way, it is HIS problem to fix.

Prayers and hugs.

 

[Crayola13]

There are people who swear by the prayer to St. Jude. Look it up online. Many people say he’s the patron saint of hopeless cases and lost causes, who helps them get through brutally hard times. You don’t have to be Catholic, just ask him out of desperation to help you and your son. See what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised. Who knows? There is an old saying, “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”

 

[Helpless29]

Dear Helpless

I am sorry. Your son has never been humbled. Maybe this will do it. I hope so. He has always seemed to feel there would not be consequences. Or if there were, he could squirrel out of them. And he always did. I see this as a good thing. He can't keep going like this. I know you know this. But feelings are something else again.

He may pressure you for bail or an attorney or both. And he may pressure you to put money on his books. Be prepared.

With your son, I have not believed that addiction was the prime mover in all of this. Rather, his sense that he is above it all. Just smarter and more capable and maybe even superior to everybody else. And that has given him a Teflon-quality.

I do not think he needs support. I don't think he needs a hand. He needs to stew in his own juices. To marinate. I hope they give him a couple of years of time, but from the charges, they may just let him out. That will not be good for him. But what can you do?

I wish you and I could let go of the fantasy that they will just abracadabra, turn into another sort of person. Until he really suffers, he won't. He just does not seem to want to yet. Neither does my own son.

Engaging with them just represents pain and suffering to us. I am not saying they can't change or won't change, but there is nothing we can do to help them. I am evidence of that. I have done everything, and I keep trying. There is nothing that I do, say, give, and want, that is helpful in any way. I just get degraded and worn down by trying. Let him be, Helpless. Let him be responsible for himself.

Just found out court date not till Oct 21st, so when he sobers up reality will finally hit him. The jail said he can’t make a call for 48 hours , didn’t say why but that he’s in a separate holding cell , I wonder why ….

 

[YogiLori]

Dear Helpless,
I see myself in you so much. My son sounds so much your son too. We are never sure if it's the marijuana or a serious character flaw/personality flaw./mental illness or what. It is so hard to let go and not focus on them. I was literally going crazy, not sleeping, anxious. I would track our son and try to figure out how and when he was going to change. I recently bought the NarAnon books and attended one meeting on Zoom for the first time last week. It is literally life changing to read the book and do the workbook and attend a meeting. I felt so alone, hopeless and overwhelmed with the horrible decisions my son made again and again and again. The people that attend these meetings are exactly where we are or they have been there. For me, understanding that my life was unmanageable living with my son's decisions, recognizing that I had absolutely no control over his decisions was really freeing. Get support around you. Letting go with love - learning to detach. Believe me, I have a long way to go. I just COULD NOT stop obsessing. I still think about him constantly but know that doing that makes me feel powerless, hopeless and anxious. Focus on how to get your peace of mind. You are a loving and wonderful mother. I am so sorry you are going through this

 

[Nandina]

didn’t say why but that he’s in a separate holding cell , I wonder why ….

Helpless, when my son was in jail last year, he was quarantined before he was put into the general jail population due to Covid. They are very careful with people coming in and out. Another reason would be that if they suspect he is mentally ill or he is out of control in any way they will sometimes separate them until things have stabilized.

I am so sorry this has happened but it may be the wake-up call he needs. In any event he is off the streets and will have an opportunity to sober up and be forced to look at some of the poor choices he has made.

Stay strong and keep us posted. We care. Love and hugs

 

[Copabanana]

he’s in a separate holding cell , I wonder why

If your state is like mine there will be a limited time period he can be in a holding cell.

One reason he could be in a holding cell is he is still being processed. He would be in the process of getting rudimentary medical and legal clearances to go to a more general area.

Another possibility is that he is a disciplinary problem or is deemed to be potentially dangerous to others. Another possibility is that there is no space yet for him where he needs to be housed. Or maybe he will soon be sent to another jail. Or released. Who knows. It could be a number of things.

Evict him from your mind, Helpless. Thinking about how he will feel in x days or y circumstances, helps you not at all. Everything he is facing is a consequence of lifestyle choices he has made. Unlike many people, he was not a victim of circumstance. Unlike most people who face dreadful consequences, he knew full well what could happen to him, as he has already lived it.

There is the possibility that this will be his lifestyle for the foreseeable future. The same is true for my son. Why are we along for the ride? Remember that children's book, I think it was called. Oh, The Places We'll Go.

Helpless, do you really want to be on this ride? Do I want to be with my son, as his life is more and more constrained by the dreadful choices he is making? No.

Try to get him out of your mind. He is safe. That is a good thing. The rest of it he will handle in the way that he wants.

PS I am wondering why he was so stressed about money while he was in the program. Could he have had debts for drugs? Could he have been involved in selling drugs? I am not saying this to make you worry. More so, I am asking this because what you don't know won't hurt you. WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW. There may so many things about his life about which you are unaware. Do we know more than the tip of the iceberg? Isn't this a good thing?

As mothers, we are programmed to worry. This worry has a basis in the mistaken belief we can do something to alter circumstances. We cannot. Every time my son comes back to live here in my town, I give him a place to stay or try to. He ALWAYS assumes he can prevail upon us, to change. While he pays lip service to my conditions, his default is ALWAYS his default. He never ever buys in. My default is always that I can do something to get him to change. It used to be that I thought I could DO SOMETHING which meant I could get him to do something. WRONG.

Now my MO is more subtle and even less grounded in reality. Now I seem to believe that if I let him come back, my milieu will permeate his being and create change. It is ludicrous. And just plain wrong.

I know you are not contemplating actively engaging with your son. However, I am beginning to think that even thinking of them creates toxicity. What a in mess.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry Helpless.

I know this hurts like hell and it just is never ending for you....

I wish I had some good things to say about all of this but it's hell and there's no dressing it up. I cannot imagine anything worse than having an addicted child.

You just have to take care of yourself and maintain strong boundaries. You cannot fix him and you can destroy yourself in the meantime.

I pray for my son daily and that is all you can really do for your son.

Hugs.