ButterflyGuardian
New Member
Sorry if this is long! I just need some outside views. I am a 23 (I will be 24 next month) year old female and my fiancé (32) and I are raising his two nephews ages 16 and 13. Now the 16 year old is doing great, but the 13 year old has made me feel helpless and that I’m running out of ways to cope and handle him.
Back Story, my fiancé lived in another state and the boys had hopped between living with their mom (who is currently in prison again) and their father (who constantly was homeless, getting kicked out of places, etc) so most of the time they ended up staying at friends houses. When my fiancé moved to the state we live in now, we bought a house and one weekend while taking the boys camping they asked if they could move in with us. I didn’t know the boys much at this point. We talked to their father and he agreed until he got his own place (he said October). This was September of 2016, the boys were 11 and 14 just shy of 12 and 15. Both boys lived with us until January of 2017 when we ended up kicking the youngest out (he was 12 at this time). We kicked him out because his father was telling him not to listen to us, he was skipping school and not coming home (we nearly called the cops multiple times), he slammed doors, disrespected our house, would scream at me, etc. It was to the point where we told him to knock it off or he needed to leave and he chose to leave.
Fast forward to October of 2017, the oldest had still been living with us and the youngest came around again and started spending the night. He spent his birthday with us, we took him out to dinner, etc. The first week of November their father dropped the youngest off for a few days needing help with a place for him. We allowed him to come back. He’s been living with us again since November 2017. Their father slowly started to disappear resulting in us filing for Guardianship in January of 2018. After being harassed multiple times by their father, we were granted emergency guardianship and we not have guardianship until August 2018 or until our next court order (which is June 5th for full guardianship until they are 18).
The youngest one is still heavily wrapped around his father’s finger. After continually being lied to, put on the streets, in cars, at friends houses by his father he still will drop anything and everything whenever his dad calls (like once a week if that –his dad upped and moved to another state). The youngest says he will never trust us again because we kicked him out. I caught both the boys up on all their appointments – they hadn’t seen a dentist or eye doctor for at least 3 years. I got them both in counseling which the youngest would not utilize, and the youngest has been diagnosed with ADHD and OOD. He started a LOW dosage of medication for ADHD.
My breaking point has been the pure disrespect, arguing, lying, not listening to us, trying to pick fights, etc. I have taken about 1,000 self tests and researched into a million different things to help teach him how to be respectful but whenever we talk to him or give him a punishment he “doesn’t care” and “nothing bothers him”. We will ask him to go do something like start his laundry, he will say in a minute. An hour later he hasn’t started it so we ask him again, “please go start your laundry”. He will raise his voice, start yelling, calling us liars saying he said he’ll do it tomorrow and won’t go do it. His Grandma one time said something like “yeah your uncle used to wears vans as a kid” and he would call his grandma a liar saying no he never did. He starts fights with his brother ALL THE TIME. He plays a big macho card like nothing bothers him when I know it does. He thinks we always gang up on him because he will argue something not true, like I’ll say something about dinner for tonight is tacos and an hour later he will say something like spaghetti is for dinner tonight right and I will say nope its tacos and he will raise his voice and say that’s not what you said early , and his uncle (my fiancé) will say something like yea she said tacos, and he will argue and yell and say we are teaming up on him and choosing sides. Something as small as reminding him to put dirty socks in the hamper will trigger him, and an consequences we make don’t do anything at all. He argues every single day with one or more of us adults and never stops. He will never just understand when he is wrong and most of the time I just walk away and let him believe what he wants to believe because I’m helpless when it comes to trying to have a conversation with him. His father has taught him it’s okay to talk to us like he does (he is disrespectful to even teachers).
It is such a hard line because he is not our kid and we haven’t had a chance to raise him, he has ADHD, and we don’t want to all the time be down on him and teaching him lessons but at the same time if I talked to my parents or elders they way he does I would probably be in a hole in the ground at this point. I’m at the verge of tears pretty much every day with him and I’m not sure what to do or where to go next. We love him and we want to see him be positive and succeed and make a happy life but I don’t know how to do that if he is constantly pushing us away and going against us over even the simplest of things.
Any advice, comments, suggestions or support would be amazing .
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Xoxo
Back Story, my fiancé lived in another state and the boys had hopped between living with their mom (who is currently in prison again) and their father (who constantly was homeless, getting kicked out of places, etc) so most of the time they ended up staying at friends houses. When my fiancé moved to the state we live in now, we bought a house and one weekend while taking the boys camping they asked if they could move in with us. I didn’t know the boys much at this point. We talked to their father and he agreed until he got his own place (he said October). This was September of 2016, the boys were 11 and 14 just shy of 12 and 15. Both boys lived with us until January of 2017 when we ended up kicking the youngest out (he was 12 at this time). We kicked him out because his father was telling him not to listen to us, he was skipping school and not coming home (we nearly called the cops multiple times), he slammed doors, disrespected our house, would scream at me, etc. It was to the point where we told him to knock it off or he needed to leave and he chose to leave.
Fast forward to October of 2017, the oldest had still been living with us and the youngest came around again and started spending the night. He spent his birthday with us, we took him out to dinner, etc. The first week of November their father dropped the youngest off for a few days needing help with a place for him. We allowed him to come back. He’s been living with us again since November 2017. Their father slowly started to disappear resulting in us filing for Guardianship in January of 2018. After being harassed multiple times by their father, we were granted emergency guardianship and we not have guardianship until August 2018 or until our next court order (which is June 5th for full guardianship until they are 18).
The youngest one is still heavily wrapped around his father’s finger. After continually being lied to, put on the streets, in cars, at friends houses by his father he still will drop anything and everything whenever his dad calls (like once a week if that –his dad upped and moved to another state). The youngest says he will never trust us again because we kicked him out. I caught both the boys up on all their appointments – they hadn’t seen a dentist or eye doctor for at least 3 years. I got them both in counseling which the youngest would not utilize, and the youngest has been diagnosed with ADHD and OOD. He started a LOW dosage of medication for ADHD.
My breaking point has been the pure disrespect, arguing, lying, not listening to us, trying to pick fights, etc. I have taken about 1,000 self tests and researched into a million different things to help teach him how to be respectful but whenever we talk to him or give him a punishment he “doesn’t care” and “nothing bothers him”. We will ask him to go do something like start his laundry, he will say in a minute. An hour later he hasn’t started it so we ask him again, “please go start your laundry”. He will raise his voice, start yelling, calling us liars saying he said he’ll do it tomorrow and won’t go do it. His Grandma one time said something like “yeah your uncle used to wears vans as a kid” and he would call his grandma a liar saying no he never did. He starts fights with his brother ALL THE TIME. He plays a big macho card like nothing bothers him when I know it does. He thinks we always gang up on him because he will argue something not true, like I’ll say something about dinner for tonight is tacos and an hour later he will say something like spaghetti is for dinner tonight right and I will say nope its tacos and he will raise his voice and say that’s not what you said early , and his uncle (my fiancé) will say something like yea she said tacos, and he will argue and yell and say we are teaming up on him and choosing sides. Something as small as reminding him to put dirty socks in the hamper will trigger him, and an consequences we make don’t do anything at all. He argues every single day with one or more of us adults and never stops. He will never just understand when he is wrong and most of the time I just walk away and let him believe what he wants to believe because I’m helpless when it comes to trying to have a conversation with him. His father has taught him it’s okay to talk to us like he does (he is disrespectful to even teachers).
It is such a hard line because he is not our kid and we haven’t had a chance to raise him, he has ADHD, and we don’t want to all the time be down on him and teaching him lessons but at the same time if I talked to my parents or elders they way he does I would probably be in a hole in the ground at this point. I’m at the verge of tears pretty much every day with him and I’m not sure what to do or where to go next. We love him and we want to see him be positive and succeed and make a happy life but I don’t know how to do that if he is constantly pushing us away and going against us over even the simplest of things.
Any advice, comments, suggestions or support would be amazing .
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Xoxo
