1 more day...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by baddog8it, Apr 3, 2019.

  1. baddog8it

    baddog8it New Member

    Tomorrow is my youngest's 18th birthday. We're thinking of kicking him out of the house. He won't go to school, won't/can't hold a job and trying to get him to help around the house is like pulling teeth.

    As far as school, this is his 4th year of high school, but he has flunked so many classes that it would still take him another year to complete (assuming that he passed those classes). We have offered to home school him, but so far he has an excuse for every situation when asked to work independently on something. We both work full time, but my wife works at home some days, so there is an opportunity for a little bit of supervision. As much as he hates school, I've always admired the fact that at least he went and put in the time. The last couple of months it has gotten to where he just won't go.

    He has a checking account that I am closing today. It is linked to our account. Every time he over drafts, the bank automatically transfers money from our account to cover his debit. He (me) has lost so much money over the last year because of the overdraft fees. Come tomorrow, he can open his own independent account. Part of the problem is the loan he took out for two hundred and some odd dollars. He tells me that he still owes over three hundred dollars. Legally, we could probably get rid of this debt since he can't legally enter into a contract until he turns 18.

    His car is yet another point of fun. It's his dream car. He bought it without a clean title. We did have proper bills of sale, etc. So far it's in me and my wife's name. It's been probably almost two years since he's had it and I don't think that it's driven more than a few miles under its own power. It still hasn't been titled or registered as he never seems to have the money. Our intent was to turn the title over on his 18th birthday. We may just give him another bill of sale and hand him all of the paperwork and let him deal with the registration and late fees.

    He car has been sitting in our driveway off and on for most of the time that it's been in our possession. I'm surprised I haven't gotten any nasty grams from our home owners association. I would love to rent a trailer and just haul it off to a storage lot. It would be worth $25/month to not have to look at it and have it taking up space in our driveway.

    He has no plan for the future other than to not work. I just spoke with one of his prior employers. It's a small local auto body shop - he did detail work and shuttled customers. The office manager was happy with his work when he showed up. She was extremely flexible and even offered to have him come back to work if he could improve on his attendance problems. She was very flexible and has even picked him up for work and bought gas for him, but he just couldn't always communicate if and when he was going to work. My belief is that he was short of gas money and couldn't get to work. He spends most of his money (when he gets some) on junk food and accessories for the car (none of these accessories will make the car run, pass inspection or get it titled and registered).

    We've provided a vehicle for him. It was with the understanding that he has to have a job to pay for gas and insurance. If he doesn't want to work, he doesn't have to - but there will be no vehicle to use at his whim. So far, he is far in debt to us for car insurance and for money that we've spent trying to get his car running. Within the last couple of weeks, we've taken the keys to our vehicle away from him and only allow him to drive to a job or interviews.

    When we confront him about school or job, it just turns into a fight because he cannot/will not accept any responsibility for the current situation with either school or work.

    He has a friend that owns a house. There are other friends living with this friend. My son believes that he would be welcome to live there rent free because he would be sleeping on the couch instead of in a private bedroom.

    He is a wheeler/dealer. He's pretty good at buying/selling online. He's even gone so far as to sell some of our possessions (our generator is the first thing that comes to mind). We have had theft problems with him. Of course, he doesn't consider it theft. In his mind, if he needs gas money to get to work, it is perfectly OK to take cash out of his mothers purse to buy gas with.

    We're at our wits end and not sure where to go...
     
  2. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Wow. I'm relatively new to the forum and new to this situation that all of us are walking through with difficult children. There are other, much more seasoned and experienced parents on this forum who will most likely respond very soon, but having been on here the time I have, my immediate response is that it's time to start setting some boundaries with your son. This behavior isn't something that will just go away with time and maturity. Anyway, I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this.
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I say, let him move in with friends. Stop the hand outs. Even his friends will get tired of supporting him. If that is what he wants, and 18 is legal age in your state, you can't stop him.

    When he wants to come home, have a "contract" ready and explain the consequences. Be very thorough! also check on your states laws on making someone move out of your home.

    Good luck. Ksm
     
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Baddog,

    I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. I'm glad you found us here.

    I would sign the car over to him asap. As long as it's in your name you are liable for anything associated with that car.

    Well good, he has a place to go. He will find out soon enough that sleeping on someones couch for an extended period of time without paying any kind of rent is a quick way to end a friendship and also get booted out.
    It's no different that him freeloading off of you.

    Too bad he won't go find a job in sales. It's good he know how to make some money online selling stuff but it's not okay to steal from you and your wife.
    It's not easy but you may get to the point with his stealing from you that you may contact the police to press charges. I had to do this on more than one occasion with my son when he was still living under our roof.

    The good thing is your son is still young enough to turn things around, of course that's entirely up to him.

    What I can tell you is you and your wife need to have very strong and firm boundaries in place. What you will and will not tolerate. Have a consequence in place and make sure to follow through. Be very careful as the line between helping and enabling is easily crossed and becomes blurry.
    Helping isn't helping when it's enabling.

    Please don't look think of it as "kicking" your son out, you are liberating him to live his life. From what you have shared, he sounds like he feels he's entitled. Taking money out of his mothers purse and thinking that is okay is an entitled attitude.

    Keep posting and let us know how things are going.
     
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  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    The good news is that you seem to have come to terms with establishing and maintaining boundaries with him, which is really all you can do once they are adults. I wouldn't be surprised if after a few months on his own he comes back begging to return to your house. Of course he will make all kinds of promises to get back in. If he does this I strongly suggest you create a set of rules he has to live by in order to stay in your house and have him sign them. I required my daughter to pay me 30% of her earnings to contribute towards the household. If he doesn't abide by your rules you must throw him out again. He's likely abusing substances and/or suffering from some form of mental health problem- likely depression which he may be trying to self-medicate. If he tries to return to your home and you allow him to I would require counseling as a condition of his return. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have found a great place. We have all had similar experiences to yours, some of us (like me) for a very long time. Sending peace to you.
     
  6. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    If he voluntarily wants to move out, let him. Otherwise you might have to go through the hassle of evicting him. After a few months, he’ll be begging to move back in. Think long and hard if you want to do that. After he sees what the real world is like, living with (off) you will seem very appealing to him.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    Agree with the others. You've warned him many times so now it's time for you to take action and change the way you do things.

    We don't ask much from our almost adult or adult children to live with us. If they disrespect us and our home then they should not be allowed to live with us. I agree, let him go live with the friend. It won't last long. No one is going to support someone laying on their couch and not doing anything.

    I agree that it sounds like he may have some type of substance abuse problem. This goes hand in hand with the behaviors you describe. It could be entitlement too or a combination of both.

    Do you have other children living in your home? What does your wife say? It's very important that you form a united front on how you deal with him. The do try to come between their parents very often.

    Good luck.
     
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry you are going through this with your son. I agree with what others have said you have been given good advice. It is not ok to steal from you i would warn him 1 time if he does it again police will be called and follow through. If he steals from you he may steal from others with much more severe consequences. Let him move out chances are his friend will not be as accomidating as he thinks so when he wants to come back he has to have a job and follow your boundaries or he has to leave. In the meantime check and see what needs to be in place to evict him and have it ready. Good luck
     
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