18 out of the house!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lucy22, Jun 21, 2019.

  1. Lucy22

    Lucy22 New Member

    Hi all. I read a lot of previous threads on this and that was helpful. We are looking for how to actually MAKE it happen. We called his bluff and gave him a suitcase but he backed down and said..” please don’t throw me out”. He has been trying to get a case manager through the county to assist w any services he would need like housing, jobs ect but they are never reachable and haven’t made progress yet. Like previously mentioned in other post he makes everyone stressed and after a year of that I need him to figure out his way. I do struggle w putting him out on the street as he takes medications for mood disorder and adhd. Thanks god no problems w drugs or alcohol.
    I guess looking for the how to get things moving???
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Does he qualify for Disability? I would try if he is mentally ill and functions poorly. You may need to apply more than once. Did you get him a diagnosis from a neuropsychologist or an MD Psychiatrist? The diagnosis helps get SSI and SSI comes with other help besides money. I wish we had done this.
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Is he resistant to seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist for medications or counseling? It sounds like you suspect mental illness. Has he been diagnosed in the past?
  4. Lucy22

    Lucy22 New Member

    Yes he is already in medical assistance and I just applied for SS. Getting a hold of someone is frustrating. He functions well. The problem is with his impulsively and he doesn’t like authority. He has quit 4 jobs in the past 9 months, had the car taken away and it’s just the same story over and over. He is good in between but I think he needs to learn on his own.
    I am trying for the county case manager looking for help. What else would SSI help with ? problem is he is 18 so he has to call.
    Also I cannot find a support group like this forum to ask other parents questions and get advice.
  5. Lucy22

    Lucy22 New Member

    Yes he sees both and has for several years. Is on 3 different medications which he takes. Goes to therapy but says it does nothing. I have explained it’s bc he doesn’t want it to help. They are treating for mood disorder and he is definitely better on medications. It’s not that we don’t want to deal with it we have done SO much to help him but it needs to come from him. I just want him to be safe if he isn’t at home. I don’t know how to make that happen.
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    In many counseling/therapy clinics they have case managers who can help with all of the different resources. Is that available where he goes? It can help if you have one person coordinating all the different pieces. Would he qualify for a group home? That could be a big help since he is still very young and struggling with several other issues. You also might call your hospital. Our hospital has all kinds of supportive services for situations like this. They may be able to help you.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I would suspect he is the one dragging his feet, and putting the responsibility on them. He needs to go everyday, then. Every county mental health should have an adult day program which meets daily. He would have a case manager, and a psychiatrist.
    More or less, this was our situation. He would not take medications but he did have mood instability. I did put him on the street. And once out he did develop a serious dependency on marijuana. In our case, my son would not do anything for himself. No treatment. No work. No training. Nothing. I felt like I had no choice. But looking back, I regret it. My son has only floundered since he left here.

    ADHD and mood disorder typically are not disabling conditions. With medication and support people can function quite well. But your son is handling growing up and away from the family. For some, this is a long and difficult process. My own position is that my son had to be doing something to help himself. In retrospect I wish I had tolerated more while he worked this through. He needed my support. But would not accept it.

    Maybe you need to go with him to the County, at least until he is assigned a case manager and program. That way things will be clear. I would also encourage him to get involved with your state Department of Rehabilitation. From them he might get job training assistance, job finding services (they will negotiate with employers and even pay part of their salary.) Or even help to go to college, as I understand it. I have pushed my son with this but so far, he has not followed through.

    I think you have leverage as long as he is home. (Many people disagree with me. Believing the better course, is that they leave. I am not sure anymore, if it is the best case for the kids who struggle with mental issues. But the reality is I don't know.)
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    If you have other kids at home or are not in good health in my opinion its best they not live with you. Kay has done much damage to us even without living with us. She will never be allowed home again.
  9. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    The guilt we put ourselves through is sometimes incomprehensible isn’t it? I have vowed not to take either of my sons in with me. They both still refuse to go to a shelter. There was one point this passed winter that my son sat out in his car in front of my home in a blizzard texting me that he was out there. I still refused to let him come in my home. I live with a lot of pain and guilt when I remember moments like this. Always second guessing myself. He also was on adhd medications and could be going along acting normal and all of a sudden whether he was drinking and doing drugs too I’ll never know but he flips out. I cannot put myself thru that. I tried and tried to get him help but bottom line Is he’s 26 and my hands are tied as to what i can do for him.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi JPG. I read your signature again, and felt a kinship with what you and your sons are going through. I am reading right now a spiritual book in my faith, and it's about how every adversity, every moment of despair, the deeper and darker it is, is a challenge from G-d to turn towards the light.

    I forget with my son to think of his suffering in this way--that this is the way G-d calls him. I am not saying I should not help my child. I want to help him. What I am saying is that the Hell they go through (and us with them) presents doors to a deepening of wisdom and faith. I am not proseletyzing here. What I am reminding myself here, is that suffering is necessary for growth.

    I don't know if your sons held their breath when they were toddlers, or threw fits. We would certainly not indulge that behavior in toddlers. Why would we do that with grown men? Sitting outside in a blizzard texting Mama, is a fit. You CAN'T give in to that. For him as much as for you. I am sorry this is so hard. But I don't see another way. Take care.
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2019