18year old dating a 14 year old

[Goalkeeper21]

Help! My 18 year old son wants to date a 14 year old and since we know this is wrong on just so many levels we forbid it. We even talked to the girl's mom for support, but the mom thought the idea was great. She saw nothing wrong with it and even supported the two in sneaking around so that they could see each other. We finally gave our son an ultimatum, and he called the girlfriend's mom and she she came and got him. He is now living in their home. We are lost - do we use tough love and give him nothing. We have not given him his car, cellphone or ipod all purchased by us. We did give him some of his nastier clothes but not the expensive aeropostale or american eagle. We don't want to be estranged from our son, but we really can't support his decisions. We want him to come home but only if he can follow the rules. Does tough love work?

 

[AnnieO]

Well... Forbidding it doesn't work too well (I know, that's obvious).

The girl's mother is an idiot... And your son could be on the hook for, among other things, possible statutory rape and/or child support. All the little girl has to do is change her mind.

You didn't say how long they've been "dating"... And if there are any other issues.

By the way - HUGS - and welcome.

 

[witzend]

What state are you in? Unless you are in NY, your son can live wherever he wants at age 18. Depending upon the state that you are in, your son could be charged with rape and live his life with a sexual abuser tag. It's not just about that he is over 18, but the difference in their ages determines the degree of the crime. By the same token, her mother could be arrested and her daughter taken from her permanently.

You're probably aware that even if you get the police involved, there's nothing you can force your son to do. I would check into the laws in your state and have someone contact the mother, though. She sounds like an idiot.

 

[keista]

I don't have experience with tough love...yet, but it seems your plan will only work if his girlfriend and mother are at a lower income level than you. He might be OK without his things for a while, but if they have MUCH less, he might start missing some of those things that are now considered teen "necessities" If they have "enough" stuff I don't see your plan working. Young ppl "in love" can be ridiculously stubborn (I know I was)

I was wondering if you might consider going to the police and find out if you have any legal options. The girl and her mother do - the second they want him out they just call the cops and cry statutory rape. Cops might be able to help you scare him into dropping this girl. I would, however, ask questions anonymously first, because this could get very bad, very quickly. Some states/jurisdictions don't require anyone to press charges and will proceed even against 'victims' wishes.

Stick around, this is an interesting place.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh this sounds like a big worry.... i know my son used to get really annoyed with me when I would ask how old the girl was that he was seeing.... he was very upset with me once when I would not let him go "hang" out with some girls quite a bit younger than him.

I think tough love only works when you are setting limits around what you will or won't do, or put up with. I think it mostly makes sense with substance abuse and/or violent or out and out defiant behavior. I don't think it works well with limits on their relationships.... and tough love partly works to give you space and peace in your home.

I think in general forbidding an 18 year old a friendship or romance almost always backfires as it has in your case. I think this is because at this age their friends are more important to them than their parents, and so given a choice they will choose their friends.

What I would suggest at this point is that you reach out somehow to him to rebuild your relationship and then if you can let him know what your very real concerns are. I would find out the age of consent in your state... if someone is under the age of consent then they are too young to legally consent to sex.... and so if you son had sex with them he could be charged with statutory rape. This could be a huge issue if she or her mom gets upset with him or if she was to get pregnant. So if when you talk to him you could let him know you love him but this is why you are concerned, maybe he will listen and maybe not.

It think it is hard with our young adults living at home... because of course there needs to be rules but we also need to be careful that our rules are not just trying to control what they do as at this point they feel they are free to make their own life choices and in some sense legally they are.

 

[Malika]

I do echo the sentiment that you need to rebuild your relationship with your son and that draconian techniques are probably not going to work.
I don't want to be naive, but is sex necessarily involved? When I was 15, I had a 19-year-old boyfriend. I am sure we kissed - I cannot remember - but there was nothing more than that. He said he respected me because of my age and never pushed anything on me. Is it necessarily wrong for a 14-year-old to be dating an older boy?

 

[susiestar]

This is the type of issue that all three of my kids are afraid of me on. NOT because I have abused them or been awful in any way to them, but because they KNOW that I would report it to the police and CPS.

Nowadays, if an 18 yo and a 14yo are dating and living in the same house they are not skipping sex. That is just how it is now. Even if the mother tries to make them sleep in different rooms, the teenage sex drive is just way stronger than mom's rules.

I married a guy who was over a decade older than I am. Still married to him, in fact. After we met we realized that he student taught in the building I went to jr high in - that same year. I didn't have him, he was there, lol. However, we did not meet until I was 21, we were not even acquainted before then. As adults the relationship was not a problem, it has been a really good one for over two decades now. But if I had been a teen? It is abuse.

I think you need to report this mom to child protective services, anonymously. Tell then that the daughter if 14 and has a live in boyfriend who is over 18. You also need to check the laws and push for a welfare check on the daughter. If they get pregnant he can walk away, but she will have to deal with those choices for the rest of her life. I would NOT leave your name at CPS or the police, not yet.

As for his things, let your son take the cheaper clothes, etc... but not the expensive stuff. or the ipod, etc... LEt him know that they are yours because you paid for them, and either use them yourself or sell them. Heck, pawn the electronics and let him have the pawn tickets to 'buy" them if he wants to spend his money on it.

BEFORE you do ANYTHING with his electronics, check them for sexual pics of the girl. If he has one, it can be a HUGE problem for him as it is considered kiddy porn. As the car is in your name, and you pay the insurance, etc... I would either keep it or consider selling it. If you have a younger child, maybe keep it for them. Your son knows you do not approve, and should not expect you to pay for a lifestyle taht you do not approve of and is against the law. Be sure to go through the car for evidence of a relationship.

If the police blow you off, hang up, stomp your feet in anger, call back and ask for sex crimes. Then make the report to them, NOT to the officer who first answers the phone.

Once he is arrested, or pulled in for questioning or whatever, I would let him know that this is what happens when you are involved with jailbait. He needs to know this can impact his ENTIRE future. And hers. his legally, hers emotionally and physically and likely legally. The mother can also be in a world of hurt. It is likely that for a first offense he will NOT get more than probation and an order to not see her. but the mother may get a LOT more.

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome.

The girl's mom is an idiot.

That aside, your son is an idiot. He's setting himself up for all kinds of trouble. In most states the age of consent is 15-16.

Nichole dated her now husband when she was 14 and he was 17 and in my opinion that was pushing it, however in the beginning I didn't know he was 17. Even then, because I have a house rule against dating until age 16, she was only allowed to see him supervised by parents. MY problem was the other parents dropped the ball and she wound up pregnant at 16. I could have had him thrown in jail, if I'd wanted to be vicious about it.......and then he'd have had to register as a sex offender.

Main thing I would worry about with a girl so young is maturity levels. Is he seeking her out because she's young and naive and he can take advantage? Or is she mature enough, even at 14 to pretty much hold her own with him? We had issues with power plays with Nichole's now hubby for a few years. They've since worked it out, but it was NOT fun while they did for anyone.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

Isn't this against the law? Can you call the police to stop it? He could end up in jail if the tide turns and the girl and her mother get spiteful!

I might also consider calling child protective services on this nutty mother of the girl! The girl can't be living in a good environment.

 

[DDD]

I absolutely don't think you should consider getting law enforcement involved. What's the point? He will forever be on the radar and his future could easily be jeopardized. Hanging out with a young girl is not against the law. Nobody "knows" if there is full sex involved except the couple. Obviously the girl's Mom is not too swift...but alot of CD family members have had families "adopt" their kids much to their shock.

I know it is frightening. I don't envy you a bit. Somehow, however, I think you have to rethink the situation so the personal atmosphere will not be "you vs. them". Eighteen year olds are difficult and being eighteen is difficult, too. Good luck. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

I also wouldnt call the police. As a mother of 3 sons, this was one of my biggest fears as they grew up. I attempted to drill it into their heads that they couldnt date anyone more than 2 years younger than them. For the most part this worked when they were in their teens. However, when my youngest son had a baby it was to a girl 2 and a half years older than him and my middle son is married to a girl 3 and a half years older than him....lol.

Go figure.

When I was a teen, my first serious boyfriend was 19 and I was 14. Yeah I guess my parents should have been hung for being idiots. My mother was a blooming idiot and my dad simply wasnt around and wasnt allowed to have any input into my life at the direction of my mother. Of course, we had sex. There was never any suggestion of rape because it was completely consensual. I actually kept that boyfriend for over a year and a half. Really nice guy and Im sure he didnt know how young I was when he met me. Now this was years and years ago so it was a different era.

 

[JJJ]

When I was a teen, my first serious boyfriend was 19 and I was 14. Of course, we had sex. There was never any suggestion of rape because it was completely consensual.

It was rape. At 14, you did not have the legal ability to give consent. (unless the laws were very different 'back then')

 

[rejectedmom]

If your son knows her age and he knows the laws and 18 is a legal adult in your state, there is not much you can do about his actions. Involving the authorities just sets up a romeo and juliette situation and would push them closer together. Let it run it's course, it will peter out pretty fast if he is anything like my son. 4 years difference seems like alot now but honestly I dated guys that much older than me whe I was in HS. (15 to their 19 they were my older brother's friends) There was no sex, just a little kissing. I'm sure that isn't the case here but honestly you never know unless they confide in you. -RM