19 yr old and marijuana use

[Exhausted sad mom]

I can't stop crying today....found out my son along with his addiction to marijuana...he has been abusing xanax off and on. I text to try to see him ..lunch or dinner and just listen. He says no. He ignores all family ...living with a friends mom...lost his car.... lost his girlfriend....asks that I just leave him alone. How did I let this happen to him? And I can't help him no matter what I try

 

[Copabanana]

he has been abusing xanax off and on.

Oh no. RN has a son and Littleboylost, too, I think, that used this. Both young men are recovering now. They went to treatment and they both have been clean from drugs for a significant amount of time.

How did I let this happen to him?

You did not "let" this happen to him. We do not control all of the influences and the circumstances that our adult children encounter. You know this. He chose badly. He can change.

And I can't help him no matter what I try

Welcome to my world, Exhausted sad mom.

My son has done this, the leave me alone. It is very painful. And it is a lie.

Right now I think you need to find ways to respond to yourself and to your own needs. I would post and post and post and post. That is one coping mechanism for me. I would post on other peoples threads, from your heart and your wisdom and your experience. When you show up like this you become strong. You represent yourself as strong, and you build strength this way. It is kind of a work out. In this way we come to know our strong voice, and to make it stronger.

But at the same time we feel helpless, hurt and desperate. This voice needs to be heard, as well. And that is what we reflect in our own threads. We hear each other in our greatest vulnerability.

I think over time we are able to fuse the two. Our strength and our vulnerability. Which allows us to give over the need to control the situation. We have no control. We just have love and hope and need.

I am sorry this is happening. But this is one moment of time. And there will be a future. For now, I would read other old threads about how others dealt with this. I respect both Little Boy Lost and RN. Using the search function you can find their threads and those of others.

Take care.

 

[BusynMember]

You didnt do this to him. He did this to himself. I would worry way more about Xanax. than pot...probably a good thing he cant drive intoxicated. But you know what? As hard as it is not to worry, it doesnt help him or you.

I am very sorry you are sad today .Can you find something to do to distract yourself? A friend or loved one to have coffee with? A goodbook? A brisk walk? Unfortunately you cant change him but take heart that he is stilll very young and may change on his own.

Love and light!

 

[Elsi]

Exhausted, I don't have time for an extended response right now, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry you find yourself so sad today. Copa is right - YOU did not cause this. He is making his own choices, separate from you. Please let go of any guilt you may be feeling or any sense that this is your failure to own. There is still plenty of sorrow without all that. But your son is young. He is not the only one who has taken this road. And for many of them, it is just a detour. Many do indeed get clean and go on to productive lives. I hope you can find some peace today. Hugs.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome.

I have been dealing with this since the age of 15. Our son just turned 23.

He started on marijuana at 15 and then pills. I did EVERYTHING on God's earth to help him to the point of my own exhaustion and my marriage threadbare. For him it was "just another Tuesday". Stealing the quote from another member but it sums it up. He was on wash, rinse, repeat.

He'd stay completely sober for several months and then he'd be back at it. When he was sober he was not doing anything with his life. It was like he was afraid of life. It was heartbreaking for us to watch. I kept thinking "this time he'll be okay". Nope.

He overdosed several times. I could not believe he kept choosing a bad path over and over again. He is our only son together and the love of our lives. We kept cleaning up his messes thinking that THIS was the LAST ONE.

Does he live at home? Do you have any support for you? A significant other etc.? You need to build YOU up or I will tell you for sure this can destroy YOU. Your son sounds like he suffers from the DISEASE of addiction. It truly is a disease. I did not know that for a very long time. No one really came out and said it but there seems to be more awareness now and I am THANKFUL for that.

I found this site and the article on detachment here and it helped me. I got stronger. I also found a therapist that specialized in addiction. I needed to set firm boundaries for myself and HE needed them also. I was enabling him. I didn't even know what that was. Everyone's story is different here, but the same. It can be a very long and treacherous journey for those of us that love an addict. It also can be shameful and lonely if you let it.

If you pray, that can also help. It really strengthened my faith. I knew there was no way I could handle this on my own.

Hugs and keep reading what others have posted. It will help. It also will help you to write your story to get it out. More will be along with advise. Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

[mentalcase]

I can totally relate to your post. My son also smokes weed and does xannies. He is 17 years old. He has been arrested and now facing several felony charges for burglary. I know how it feels to look at your son and not recognize him at all. I'm so sorry you are going through this. The Xanax robs their soul. That's the only way I can describe it.

 

[Smithmom]

Wish I had brilliant words of wisdom to make all your pain go away.

This takes me back to the day a sub abuse counselor (my son was seeing through court alternative sentencing program) said to me that my kid was using cocaine. I said no he's not. She said she had the test to prove it. She looked at me like I was the biggest fool ever. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. This was a huge new low. "Hard drugs". Not kid stuff. Not something he could easily get past. How did it happen? How did I miss it? She immediately dropped him. No more help from that police program. He was now an official crack addict.

No answers. Another watershed day for me. Another memory I'll probably always have. Yes, grieve. For your hopes this would be over easily. For your belief that it was "only weed". No one knows where he is headed. Just keep the lines of communication open. Keep offering to help him get help.

 

[Exhausted sad mom]

Thank you all again for your responses ..when I talked to my son yesterday he was high ..his speech was slurred and nothing I said mattered. He said we don't accept him the way he is for his need for weed and him trying of other drugs. Said "so what I do xannie bars here and there " . I am just at a loss ..just so sad. But everyone's advice is so helpful.