19 yr old son is suffering, not sure how to help him.

[chrissey]

hi i found this website so helpful i am back. i have a 19 yr old son who is obviously troubled and withdrawn. he is not suicidal, but depressed and out of sorts. this is our third adult child now and you would think we would know what to do by now. He is thoughtful, caring, charming and we are very proud of him. He holds himself well in society. He is very well thought of in every aspect of his life, but he is suffering inside.
he wont open up anymore. He used to talk to us and tell us whats wrong. Everytime we get to the subject other than every day things like: How was work today? or are you home for tea? he shuts down and avoids the subjects. He is not taking drugs. He lives at home the last one of our kids to fly the nest. We give him all the space he wants. He has a good job and is very loved up with his girlfriend. We have tried all manner of approaches to find out what is wrong. This is not the normal teenager stuff, there is something wrong, we can see it behind his eyes.

 

[pasajes4]

He needs professional help. Have a loving conversation with him about your concerns. Have some names of therapists or agencies for him, but do not be overly pushy. Let him know that you are there for him. If he appears to get worse or begins to show signs of wanting to harm himself, then do not hesitate to contact the appropriate authorities.

 

[chrissey]

He needs professional help. Have a loving conversation with him about your concerns. Have some names of therapists or agencies for him, but do not be overly pushy. Let him know that you are there for him. If he appears to get worse or begins to show signs of wanting to harm himself, then do not hesitate to contact the appropriate authorities.

thank you and love your picture. he seems to be ok, no signs of self harm. i think maybe having had a rouge teenage son before am looking for signs of several things. i feel sorry for him because he seems so lost. he keeps saying "its ok mum i will sort it out"

 

[chrissey]

thank you and love your picture. he seems to be ok, no signs of self harm. i think maybe having had a rouge teenage son before am looking for signs of several things. i feel sorry for him because he seems so lost. he keeps saying "its ok mum i will sort it out"

he does have a sleep problem aswell. he cant sleep. he works at a night club as a barman. but he doesnt sleep very well. i get up really early for work and he is still awake. it worries me but he says he just cant sleep. he shud go to the doctors but avoids it like the plaque. i cant force him.

 

[chrissey]

he does have a sleep problem aswell. he cant sleep. he works at a night club as a barman. but he doesnt sleep very well. i get up really early for work and he is still awake. it worries me but he says he just cant sleep. he shud go to the doctors but avoids it like the plaque. i cant force him.

can i ask what difficult child and easy child mean?

 

[pasajes4]

Once they become adults, it is more difficult to convince them to seek medical care. Men are notorious about avoiding Dr.'s offices.

 

[pasajes4]

difficult child= gift from God easy child= perfect child

 

[chrissey]

Once they become adults, it is more difficult to convince them to seek medical care. Men are notorious about avoiding Dr.'s offices.

how right you are same for my hubby lol!!! i know eventually he will feel he can come to us but it is horrible watching him suffer.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Chrissey, perhaps finding some support for you may help you to let your son deal with his issues on his own. I only have one adult child and it took an 18 month codependency course lead by therapists and a whole lot of support for me to learn how to stop enabling her. It is often difficult for us parents to let go as our kids approach adulthood, and if we continue giving and hovering in their lives, we not only send them the unhealthy message that we don't feel that they can handle their own lives, but we create an unhealthy connection with adults who should be making their own choices in their own ways without us. There is a point in our kids lives where we need to begin letting go and encouraging them to launch out of our homes on their own.

Your son sounds as if he has a good head on his shoulders and is well liked and a good guy. At 19, I think many kids have a bit of an awakening to the reality of life and sometimes that can take them aback for awhile until they learn how to negotiate this new territory called adulthood. He may not know which way to go and at this point, if he doesn't want to include you in his journey, you must let go and allow him to grow up on his own terms. You worrying about him does not help him or you, it just robs you of your present moments, and you can't get those back.

It may help you to find professional help to help you to deal with your adult daughter and your adult son......what we have found here on the adult end of this site, is that it is often up to US to change, to change the way we respond to our adult kids and that alone changes our lives and ultimately may help to change our children as well. Letting go is very hard on us and most of us need a lot of help to do it.

Chrissey, wishing you peace as you wander through this detachment process.................hang in there and keep posting, it helps.............