Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kiki3girls, Jul 12, 2017.
Yikes. Those chickies need to be tossed out of the nest and you need to read the article on detachment a few times. They need to pay for their own cars and get weaned, mama. You need to have a happy life, not feel like you're living in hell.
I think I have a handle on the problem.
First of all, the young women (not girls) are emotionally immature. Secondly, they should be handling their problems with one anotjer without either you or husband.that is far too old to be punishing tjem like little kids. Why get involved at all ? They are women, not children.
Secondly, i can guarantee you that, no, they are not grateful when you hand them cars when other adults work and save for their own cars. I have found that buying stuff for our kids...too much stuff that we do out of wanting them not to go without...tends to produce UNgrateful, spoiled, selfish adults who expect even more and think you should keep it up. And demand you do. When does the party end?
I never understood buying our adult kids cars, houses, spending money, great clothes etc. They appreciate things THEY earn and respect us more if we teach them that nothing is free.
We never had the means to buy our kids thingslike cars so they started working at sixteen, took care of their own bills, learned a good work ethic and never ever blast us for not giving them cars, a free college education (they did grants and loans) and they are all independent and out of the house, not asking for money. And they are proud of themselves. Even our autistic adult son lives on his own on his own dime.
My advice is to stop the cars and the other freebies, step out of their petty arguments and treat them like women who can buy their own toys and settle their own disutes. Giving too much with no expectations often causes them to think we are fools and does/can lead to estrangement. You need their respect. You need to set boundaries and stop Christmas all the time.
Why did you let one daughter tell you what to do about the other daughter? Do they often bully you?
At any rate, i think the free presents and the over involvement in their lives needs to stop. Certainly they are bright enough to get part time jobs and move out. in my opinion you are too enmeshed with them...even afraid of them and you all need distance from one another. A lot of space to remember that yiou are different people
Love them enough to allow them to buy their own things and learn how to handle sister tiffs on their own. Or you may end up with two smart daughters who are spoled rotten, bossy to you and even mean. It is inappropriate to discipline adult daughters for having an argument. Perhaps you still see them as little. They arent.
Distance yourself or you could lose them both. And dont over spoil them because they will not appreciate it. You CAN change how you interact with dsughters. We can all change if we want. Its up to you to do it. You do them no good doing things this way. Go to therapy?
No offense meant and I could be wrong, but your daughters, by your description, sound like entitled spoiled ten year olds. Its time to help their character, quit your second job and stop giving them everything.i feel thats a problem of yours that is passed on to them, not for their good. Or yours. And you matter.
Sending you love and light and hope!
thank you. You are so right about everything. I have to STOP giving them and I have to go to therapy to learn how to deal with this.
And next time, if there is a physical assault...let the police handle the punishment.
Let the adult females find another place to live. Maybe their dad would take them in. Or they can fend for themselves. Why would you let someone disrespect your husband, in your own home?
Wecome 3tough, I'm glad you reached out to us here.
It's hard for one to be grateful if they don't know what it's like to do without or to have work really hard for something. I know your mommy heart wants to give your daughters everything but that can actually cause more harm than good. They are learning to equate your love with "things".
Again, they are equating your love with "things"
If it were me, I would not tolerate this. I understand she may not like your husband but that is no excuse to treat him this way. By allowing her to hold a grudge she is learning that she never has to forgive someone. If it were me, I would tell her that unless she can treat your husband with respect while living under your roof, she can find somewhere else to live.
If it were me, I would only work two jobs if I really needed the money to pay bills. Your daughters are not learning a strong work ethic from you, they are learning that you will give them anything they want.
Yes, they are adults and they should be paying their own way. It's one thing to offer to pay for their schooling and to let them live at home while they are attending school, however, you need some serious boundaries. You say you can't help yourself that this is just how you are but here's the thing, you can change your behaviors and by changing your behaviors your daughters may also change.
If you are not seeing a therapist I strongly suggest that you do. You have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your daughters. A good therapist can help you navigate through this and help you to understand why you feel compelled to "give them everything".
This is just a fantasy. Nothing is perfect and it's an unrealistic goal. You are putting enormous pressure on yourself to achieve that which cannot be attained.
My guess is you feel this way because you have set such high expectations for how you think your life should look. Again, I strongly suggest you seek a good therapist.
One of the best things I have ever done for myself was to set clear strong boundaries in my life. Not just where my son is concerned but in all relationships. It's not easy but is so worth the effort because you will grow into a much stronger woman.
((HUGS)) to you..................
You're so right about everything
You sound like a lovely person. Give some of that love and care to yourself. You are worth it.
One of the best things i have learned from this forum is that you can give your kids the best help by modeling self respect; which means showing them you are taking care of yourself and respecting yourself by keeping healthy boundaries. What they see and learn from you will stand them in good stead to have healthy relationships in the future.
Maybe take time to make a well considered plan of action. You can start with baby steps, it does not have to be all at once. Why not look for new opportunities and activities for you, and your husband, so you can focus on something positive.
Give that husband of yours a big hug for putting up with four (three out of control) women in his home!!
Kudos to him for allowing your spoiled daughter to live there and disrespect him like that! I would put an end to that immediately or she must leave. Maybe a family meeting is in order? Maybe a family meeting with a therapist?
You need to get your family on track and STOP being a doormat for your grown women children. You are not teaching them how to live in the real world.
Enabling this behavior is disabling them to be productive adult women.
Hugs to you.
Sweet lady, this isn't about being right, it's about taking our lives back. It's about giving meaning to our lives that goes beyond us just being moms. We are so much more than just a "mom". It's very easy to slip into the role of mom but it's also easy to lose ourselves in the process. We cannot allow our lives to be defined by our children.
Something that has helped many of us here is to find a hobby, something that is just for us. Also, be very kind to yourself. Treat yourself to a day of shopping where you only buy for yourself. Treat yourself to a long bubble bath and if need be, put a "Do Not Disturb" note on the bathroom door. Go for a long walk in the park or woods. Each day, do something for just you. This is an important step in taking your life back.
Oh and don't forget, eat some ice cream!!
Oh and another good phrase to remember:
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
YOU have to change it up!
I must have missed the part about disrespecting your husband.
Once my kids turned eighteen, I expected respect toward others. Your husband should not in my opinion come second to your daughters. He is the one who will be with you until the end.
A good vacation for the twoof you could perhaps rejenerate your marriage and relax you. Is there somewhere you and he would love to visit? (And, no, daughters cant tag along )
There adults besides your 12 year old you have no business punishing them for the arguments they have. But they should buy there own cars and any other luxuries at the age they are now.
But do you like spending time with your adult daughters when there not ungrateful as now?
Basic operant conditioning.. reward positive behaviour and punish negative behaviour
What you're doing is the opposite.
These girls act up, because they keep getting rewards for it.. you keep buying them stuff. Your punishments are just you taking away stuff you bought them, so, while they're adult women, you're reinforcing the idea that these adult women don't really own anything they have.. which tends to really tick off a person.
Main thing is.. they're not the one with the problem. You are.
They don't have a problem with cussing you out, or being mean to you or each other.
What you have to do is make your problem their problem.
They don't need cars and what-not to be in college. A car is a privilage. If they want a car, they can get a job and work for one. If they want a cellphone, they can use their student aid money to get one.
You can keep on paying for college... but .. you need these ladies to start footing their own bills.
And leave them alone.
Don't invite them over to the house (if they stay at college, just tell them to stay at college).
Stop talking to them. Stop coddling them. Give them the cold shoulder.
When you stop talking to them they may realize they've crossed some kind of line with you and perhaps try to seek amends after they've had time to think things over.
Most people only appreciate something based on how much blood, sweat and tears (and money) they gave of themselves to it. Since these women are getting free cars, free cellphones, etc... they don't care.
Make them work for it. If they want something in life, make them go work for it. They are going to throw a kicking screaming fit over that if this comes as a shocker... but, that's why you dont' invite them over to the house anymore. Tell them to go a year in college and never come home until a year has gone by. They are not allowed back in the house.
Kids, regardless of age, will still keep acting like children if you keep treating them like children.. by giving them things and then taking them away, like they're toys.
Get them out of the house. Stop talking to them. Let them figure things out on their own. They should be hanging out at the college with friends and doing whatever and learning to grow up and live like a broke college student (which builds character) instead of living like princesses that have privilage without responsibility.
I realized I am the problem and it's all my fault. I know I have to change things. Thank you.
No one wants you to feel that way. It's normal to be a loving mother and try to do everything for our children and to make them happy.
Somehow sometimes things get skewed.
We're a tough crowd here and we'll tell you like it is - like we see it. We can't see our own forest for the trees as they say. I know I can't!!
Sometimes it may sound harsh but I know personally that is EXACTLY what I needed. A wake up call! A hard honest look at myself and how I was contributing to the problem. Only then can we begin to fix what is wrong.
It's not your fault. You're just a loving mother like the rest of us but sometimes you/we have to change the way you see things and do things.
Thank you for your kind words!!
Every post I read I sit back and think and how you are all so right It's just so hard to change when you've been like this your whole life towards them. But I know I have to learn to be tough and change because i'm wasting my life for them.
Hon...we know its hard to change. We get it.
But we want/expect our adult kids to change for the better. If we expect it of them, we must hold ourselves to the same standard.
Buying your grown kids tons of stuff so that they dont have to work hard or feel pain is loving.. but is it good for them? It does not foster respect toward themselves or you. Clearly they think of you as Santa Claus and will may get mean and abusive if you decide you are finished doing this. You have to get on a tough shield and stand your ground, which is why I suggest therapy for support. It is too hard to do this alone in my opinion.
Wishing you the serenity to accept everything you can not change (like your daughters words and behavior), the courage to change the things you can (you CAN change yourself), and the wisdom to know the different.
You have taken the first step and that's the hardest step to take.
You have acknowledged that you need to make some changes and that is awesome!!!!
You can do this. Yes, it will take time and there will be some bumps but you can do this.
We are here for you to support you and cheer you on.
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