20 yr old son making death threats

poola

New Member
My 20 year old son has been using and abusing me for years. I have enabled him and am getting better at holding my boundaries. Things have been spiraling the last week or so. He is off and on homeless so I guess my guilt makes me make enabling decisions. Anyway he has been saying and texting that I'm going to die and he's coming for me, which he has said before but today he said he's going to kill me and then himself. When things are going bad for him he harasses me for money, cigarettes, ect. When I say no he spirals and starts manipulating and threatening. I seriously can't take it anymore. I am going to the police station tomorrow to report the death threats
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I am so sorry for you and send prayers. I will not try to soften this up for you. I can't in good faith do so. As difficult as our adult kids are, most never threaten to kill us. That is different territory and way scary. If this were me, I'd get an alarm system on my house (we have one because of Kay) and we would never ever be alone with him. Meetings in crowded restaurants only. No car rides. No park visits. No home visits. You can not be assured of being safe.

We all hope our kids are blowing off steam but your son sounds like he has thought about this . I would call a domestic abuse hotline to ask for therapy and assistance. This is over your head. Don't take foolish chances.

Tell the police too. Good plan. Alert other family members to watch out.

Love and hugs
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
he said he's going to kill me and then himself
I think you need to not only go to the police but get a restraining order to keep him away from you and your home. I agree that it would be a good idea to call a domestic violence program in your area to help you make a safety plan and to provide counseling. Do you have an alarm? Are there other people living with you or nearby that can keep an eye on you? You do not provide information about the mental health or drug history of your son but mothers can be a primary target for some mentally ill men, particularly.

It is good that you are aware that your emotions and attitudes can put you in danger when guilt or misplaced responsibility leads you to make "enabling decisions." You know that you need to work on yourself. Posting here helps, as does Al Anon, or therapy.
 

YogiLori

Member
Hi Poola,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. When you write, it sounds exactly like our 19 year old son. He has not said these words lately, but at one point when he was in the ER, he told the nurse he was going to stab my husband and I with the kitchen knives. It is his distorted anger and his immaturity and of course the marijuana.......Once he was released from the mental health hospital he had no place to go and he was still our responsibility at 18 (our state is 19) so we had no other choice but to let him come home. We told the police of the threats and they said to call them if something happens. It was a completely helpless situation and sad situation. I do think you must stop enabling him as hard as it is. I am the Queen Enabler and I have been religiously attending NarAnon and seeking therapy and working on myself. Since May we had to ask our son to leave because we could not handle it anymore and he was a month away from 19. We have a Ring and he has no keys. We ensure the doors are locked and the garage down. We are not in the same place as we were. Since he moved out our relationship is adequate. We don't do for him what he can do himself. We had to literally let go. I remember the night he came home from the mental hospital and there was nowhere he could go, we hid the knives and literally said, "well, if he kills us he kills us." I know that is probably wrong but we really didn't have any other choice. As I said, that time passed. You do need support and I TOTALLY understand how hard it is to say no and deal with their threats and reactions. It is scary and exhausting. You have to do the things that will help you feel safe physically and get emotional support on the daily from someone or some group - a therapist, domestic violence program, even NarAnon......You are not alone so please reach out and get the support you need.
 

poola

New Member
Hi Poola,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. When you write, it sounds exactly like our 19 year old son. He has not said these words lately, but at one point when he was in the ER, he told the nurse he was going to stab my husband and I with the kitchen knives. It is his distorted anger and his immaturity and of course the marijuana.......Once he was released from the mental health hospital he had no place to go and he was still our responsibility at 18 (our state is 19) so we had no other choice but to let him come home. We told the police of the threats and they said to call them if something happens. It was a completely helpless situation and sad situation. I do think you must stop enabling him as hard as it is. I am the Queen Enabler and I have been religiously attending NarAnon and seeking therapy and working on myself. Since May we had to ask our son to leave because we could not handle it anymore and he was a month away from 19. We have a Ring and he has no keys. We ensure the doors are locked and the garage down. We are not in the same place as we were. Since he moved out our relationship is adequate. We don't do for him what he can do himself. We had to literally let go. I remember the night he came home from the mental hospital and there was nowhere he could go, we hid the knives and literally said, "well, if he kills us he kills us." I know that is probably wrong but we really didn't have any other choice. As I said, that time passed. You do need support and I TOTALLY understand how hard it is to say no and deal with their threats and reactions. It is scary and exhausting. You have to do the things that will help you feel safe physically and get emotional support on the daily from someone or some group - a therapist, domestic violence program, even NarAnon......You are not alone so please reach out and get the support you need.
Thank you. My husband has a protective order against him, but I don't. We kicked him out when he was 19 as well. He's homeless because he gets kicked out of every place I have arranged for him to stay, even some of the shelters I think his threats are empty threats because he has no weapons, but I won't be in close proximity with him anymore or let him in my car because I do think he would hit me. I have been enabling for him for years but I think I'm finally ready to change that. I realize he won't stop as long as I keep letting him get away with it.
 

poola

New Member
I think you need to not only go to the police but get a restraining order to keep him away from you and your home. I agree that it would be a good idea to call a domestic violence program in your area to help you make a safety plan and to provide counseling. Do you have an alarm? Are there other people living with you or nearby that can keep an eye on you? You do not provide information about the mental health or drug history of your son but mothers can be a primary target for some mentally ill men, particularly.

It is good that you are aware that your emotions and attitudes can put you in danger when guilt or misplaced responsibility leads you to make "enabling decisions." You know that you need to work on yourself. Posting here helps, as does Al Anon, or therapy.
Thank you. Yes it's time for me to get support to stop my enabling and make some big changes on how I handle things. I am at the end of my rope so I have to change this for the sake of him and me and my husband
 

poola

New Member
Hi. I am so sorry for you and send prayers. I will not try to soften this up for you. I can't in good faith do so. As difficult as our adult kids are, most never threaten to kill us. That is different territory and way scary. If this were me, I'd get an alarm system on my house (we have one because of Kay) and we would never ever be alone with him. Meetings in crowded restaurants only. No car rides. No park visits. No home visits. You can not be assured of being safe.

We all hope our kids are blowing off steam but your son sounds like he has thought about this . I would call a domestic abuse hotline to ask for therapy and assistance. This is over your head. Don't take foolish chances.

Tell the police too. Good plan. Alert other family members to watch out.

Love and hugs
I agree with all of your suggestions and have made some of these changes already. I will not be with him alone anymore for sure.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Harming us, and I mean all of our more dangerous kids, does not require a weapon. They are younger and stronger than us and hands can choke. A knife or scisdors is easy to get and in anger could be used. In countries outside of the U.S. where you can not own guns there are still murders. I will share Kay's story, the one that got her banned from our house forever.

Kay was volatile and put holes in our walls and threw things. I have two younger kids. One is a very sensitive, gentle boy. Kay was angry one day (what else is new?) She picked up a glass vase. Now she was not particularly more angry at our son than the rest of us, but he was in a spot that was convenient, standing backed up I to a wall, covering his ears from her adult tantrum. My daughter was a few feet away from him begging Kay to calm down and we stood slightly behind her looking for a chance to grab her.

We got.no chance. Kay hurled the vase at our son like a pro baseball pitcher and it missed our son by inches as it smashed against the wall. He had blood on his body and face and near his eye. Only his sliding away a little at the last minute saved him from catching it full in his face.

Kay laughed. We called the police. She never stepped foot in.our home again. We still enabled her. Buying her places to stay, but she never lived with us. We enabled her too much for too long and it never made her a better person.

We learned eventually that dangerous people, even our.beloved children, have no right to harm us. We also learned that only they can help themselves. Nar Anon was a huge help to us. It is a program that helps us live reasonable and good lives, even though we have a difficult child.

More prayers coming for your strength.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry. How emotionally devastating, draining and scary.
When he threatens to kill you and himself, I believe you must call the police. For your protection AND his. Number one here is safety. Literal life safety. Number two is that he needs to understand "logical consequences." He says such things, and there are clear cut consequences. One or more that he likely wont like, but that is irrelevant. A lot at stake here. This is all urgent/vital.
Also, does he have a key to your house? If you think he might, it's urgent that you change the locks. Seriously consider getting an alarm for your house, if you don't have one already. Get a ring doorbell installed if you don't have one already.
If you have any jewelry or other valuables, double or even triple lock it. For example, keep it in a locked room, in a locked closet, in a locked safe. Boundaries are imperative here. It's good you reached out to us. Some of us have gotten help by attending meetings of various 12 step groups like Families Anonymous, NAMI, NA, etc. IF nothing else, their literature is excellent. Best wishes.
 

poola

New Member
Harming us, and I mean all of our more dangerous kids, does not require a weapon. They are younger and stronger than us and hands can choke. A knife or scisdors is easy to get and in anger could be used. In countries outside of the U.S. where you can not own guns there are still murders. I will share Kay's story, the one that got her banned from our house forever.

Kay was volatile and put holes in our walls and threw things. I have two younger kids. One is a very sensitive, gentle boy. Kay was angry one day (what else is new?) She picked up a glass vase. Now she was not particularly more angry at our son than the rest of us, but he was in a spot that was convenient, standing backed up I to a wall, covering his ears from her adult tantrum. My daughter was a few feet away from him begging Kay to calm down and we stood slightly behind her looking for a chance to grab her.

We got.no chance. Kay hurled the vase at our son like a pro baseball pitcher and it missed our son by inches as it smashed against the wall. He had blood on his body and face and near his eye. Only his sliding away a little at the last minute saved him from catching it full in his face.

Kay laughed. We called the police. She never stepped foot in.our home again. We still enabled her. Buying her places to stay, but she never lived with us. We enabled her too much for too long and it never made her a better person.

We learned eventually that dangerous people, even our.beloved children, have no right to harm us. We also learned that only they can help themselves. Nar Anon was a huge help to us. It is a program that helps us live reasonable and good lives, even though we have a difficult child.

More prayers coming for your strength.
My son was kicked out when he tried to fight my husband. My husband got a protective order so he can't come near our house. In the past he's broke our security door, put holes in walls, took gel deodorant and flung it all over our walls. I had him stay with my best friend but he blew that, I rented a room for him at a friend of a friend, he blew that. My nephew took him in, he blew that. He blames me for being homeless but it's him blowing every opportunity due to his bad behavior. His life revolves around weed and cigarettes. Seems to be the only thing he cares about 😞. Currently his sleeping at the park near me, refuses to go to a shelter. That's the hard part, sleeping at night knowing his outside.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
He is just doing the usual difficult child script. They all say/do the same things including blaming us for their refusal to follow any rules.

The reason they won't go to shelters are most often because of the rules. They can't use drugs and they have specific times for leaving and arriving each day. Our kids hate anyone e telling them what they have to do. Some just won't not use drugs while there. After I heard these reasons, I actually got mad. Kay was just like that. She lost every place we got for her. But it was due to her bad behavior.

Once we realize it is on them, it gets easier.

Hugs and love.
 
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