21 Year old homeless and about to lose custody of newborn

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rebelmommy, Nov 25, 2017.

  1. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    someone suggested I post this on its own thread so that others could read it so here it goes: The FOG, how accurate is that. I’m so glad I found this forum. My daughter is 21 years old. I put her out of the house at 17 after we got into a physical altercation. This was also after four years of dealing with her lying, her promiscuity, bullying her younger brother so bad it was actually abusive, temper tantrums, running away getting pregnant ( she had an abortion) and just drama after drama. So she no longer wanted to live at home which was evident that by her punching me in the lip, and we signed her in to ththe covenant house. She promptly found a guy there and they spent the next two years in a completely disfunctional abusive relationship. Cut to 9/2016. The guy cheats on her and she finds a cousin of the the girl he cheated with on Facebook and begins a whirlwind relationship with this new guy, all while staying at our house for the third time in two years. Once again she can’t follow rules, is giving all her money to the old guy leaving the house for booty calls with the new guy and we have two young boys her brother watching this. And of course there’s the attitudes that come with all of the and generally feeling unsafe, in your own home as the old boyfriend was into guns and we specifically me had been threatened by him before. So anyways she gets into this new relationship and two months in the new guy proposes and by March of 2017 they are pregnant. Well we spent May through now in the only rollercoaster ride. She was getting thrown out of the house every few weeks, going to stay with his mom since my husband and I made it clear when she first began this relationship that if she left the house to be with this new guy she was not going to be allowed back. So her pregnancy was rough on all of us, because after the honeymoon phase of their relationship wore off and her true colors came out the new guy wasn’t trying to put up with that so they were having crazy fights all the time. My daughter was verbally abusive to him and he would get so angry he would put her out, there was a lot of I wish I never met you and I wish I had an abortion and things like that being thrown out. Then she has the baby and I hope and pray to god that the baby changes something inside her and she realizes that she can try to make this real work by being a better person but three weeks after having the baby there she is again screaming at him and throwing one of her famous temper tantrums. This time the police are called and she’s Baker Acted. He uses that time to get a restraining order put on her against the baby. I’m so mad at the both of the hem but because I KNOW her, I know exactly what he’s saying is true. This is what she does. When she gets out of the hospital she has nowhere to go, she can’t come home my husband won’t allow it even if I did break down and want her to, which I don’t. And now she’s staying in a shelter. She missed the court date to get the restraining order lifted, and th dad is filing for custody. I feel so so badly. I want to bring her here but I know the terror that she is and I know I can’t go through that again. I can’t put my boys through that. Besides she was in the shelter for less than a week and when I finally saw her she already had a hickey on her neck. I don’t know though. I’m constantly thinking about her. I’m constantly worried about her. I’m so scared for her and of course I’m mourning the relationship that I won’t be able to have with my first grandson. But I’m glad I found this forum and see that other people are going through similar type issues
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  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    As I said on the other thread, your grand is better off with his dad, who seems more mature.

    I am sorry for all this, but you need a life without constant stress and abuse, daughter or not. You matter and your other kids matter. Let her do this her way and maybe some hardship will lead to growth. No guarantees, but she wont grow if she uses you as a punching bag AND her rescue mommy.A contradiction, no?

    Take care. We are here 24/7, 365 for support. Better hours than Walmart!
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  3. gteach

    gteach New Member

    Hi, Rebelmommy. My daughter is pregnant with child number 5. Her first 3 live with their dad and his mom and the 4th lives with her dad and the father of the fifth and her were just arrested and put in jail for breaking into my father's cottage. This is my first post. You are right to not let her back. Give moral support your grandchild's father and you will probably be allowed to have a relationship with your grandson. My husband and I take our 3 granddaughters every other weekend. Hang in there.
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  4. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Right. I mean to be honest she’s not even really asked me for help, she seems to be happy where she’s at or maybe not happy but she didn’t want to leave there when offered the chance. I feel like I might more upset then she is actually. I’m more worried about how her life is going to turn out and she’s just out there living it. She says she feels bad about not being able to be with her baby but a part of me thinks she’s lying, I don't know. So many things she has done and sonit hard to believe anything she says. I don't know. I really hope and pray that she does grow from this. I can’t imagine having to deal with this type of drama for the rest of my life.
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome rebelmommy. I'm sorry you're going thru so much with your daughter. As you can see, you're not alone.

    This is a very challenging path. We cannot respond to our adult difficult children in the typical supportive, loving ways, which is very difficult to begin with...... we have to learn how to respond quite differently. Your daughter manipulates and abuses you and others to get her way. This is not typical behavior, it requires a different response. We parents have to learn how to set strong, impenetrable boundaries, to say no as a complete sentence, to detach from our kids actions, behaviors and choices and to re-learn how to focus on ourselves. The constant worry, fear and grief you mention is a distinct part of this path, which is why most of us seek support, it is very hard.

    You might gain solace in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You might also gain a fresh perspective from the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. The organization NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness offers courses for us parents which provide information, resources, guidance and support. You can access them online, they have chapters in most cities. Many of us seek professional support, a therapist, a therapist run support group, someone who can help us navigate this terrain..... a place where we can vent, feel safe, discover solutions, gain knowledge and learn how to make the necessary changes so we can begin thriving and finding our own joy and peace.

    Your daughter is an adult woman who is abusing you. At some point, she has to suffer the consequences of her own choices and behaviors. You cannot fix this for her, you didn't cause it, nor can you control it. The only one who can make the necessary changes is your daughter and the likelihood is that she will not. So you have to do the changing. Our adult troubled kids generally make NO changes whatsoever until we begin the process of detaching and allowing them to handle their own messes. Either way, it becomes necessary for us to disengage from the dramas and behaviors for our own sanity and well being. We have to learn how to accept what we can't change and learn to live in the uncertainty that our kids bring to the table. It's not easy. But it's doable.

    Continue posting, it helps to write our stories down and have others get it and in a non judgmental way, hear us and respond. It generally becomes imperative for us to seek support for the changes we must make, or we will continue to be dragged down the rabbit hole with our kids. You matter. You deserve a calm, peaceful, joyful life, you do not deserve to be treated in the way your daughter treats you. Don't allow it.
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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Rebel and G,
    Welcome to the forum and so sorry for your need to be here. It is hard enough to have d cs going off the deep end, add grands in the mix and it is an unfathomable issue.
    This is not how we raised our kids, this is not what we imagined facing as grandparents.
    Yet, here we are.
    I have three grands and have been through some horrible ordeals with their parents.
    My grands are living with their paternal grandparents and it is where they want to be.
    I thank God that they are safe.
    I don't know where their parents are, out there somewhere, lost in a drug haze, trying to find themselves.

    You are right, you cant go through that again, me too.
    I can't put my son through that.
    I can't allow my house to be turned upside down with the chaos and turmoil.
    It is a hard reality, but, my daughter does not get well in my home.
    Attempts to leave her abusive boyfriend were only met with him ending up in my home, and the battles fought in front of our eyes.
    It put us all in danger, exposed to violence.
    We tried to involve authorities to no avail.
    My home was in turmoil..........
    and my son grew up witnessing horrible things.

    I am glad you found us too, RM.
    You are not alone.
    I had to choose.
    I had to, for my son's sake, and mine,
    I had to take back my home and regain the sanctity and security.
    We had years of the revolving door comings and goings,
    around the drama that ensues drug addiction and domestic violence.
    The grandkids did not respect our home, just as their parents did not.
    They did not respect my son.
    It is not their fault, they were just following their parents lead.
    When we did try to keep the grands here, their mom would defiantly say
    "They are not your kids!" and take them.
    It was true, they were not my kids.
    Even though they have been through so much with their parents,
    CPS would step in,
    They mandated counseling,
    a bandaid on an open, infected wound.
    The parents went to counseling, and cleaned up just enough to hang on to the kids.
    For the food stamps.
    They are cash cows in the system.
    I digress........

    The cycle would start all over again.

    I am sorry RM, it is very, very tough.
    The thing is, we have no control over the decisions of our adult d c's.
    I understand the anxiety of it all, the worry and concern and grieving for the loss of relationship with your daughter and grandson.

    We have no control over any of it.
    A big, big hurt on the heart.

    That being written, worry and anxiety are stresses that are so very harmful to our health.
    It does nothing to help the situation, and it hurts you.

    Mentally and physically.

    When my mind turns to worry, I say a prayer. If you believe in a higher power, this can be very helpful.
    If not, there are resources for meditation and ways to shift your focus.

    Please find time to destress and calm your mind.

    You have two young boys to care for, and you need to be healthy for them, your husband, yourself.
    Focus on them.
    Shifting focus is important.
    You matter.

    There are things in life we have no control of,
    didn't cause and can't cure.

    It has been 14 years for all of us.
    If I continued on with the anxiety I felt years ago, I don't think I would be here.
    It is not to say that it will take that long for your daughter to find her true potential.
    I still hold out hope for my two, but I try not to continue to focus on their choices.

    It is because they will do what they will do.

    Very wise words, Swot. Very true.
    There are many families doubling up for various reasons, the economy is hard, jobs can be hard to come by.
    In fact, my Hoku, her boyfriend and baby live under my roof.
    It is not easy, my house is small.
    The difference between her little family living with us and her older sister...........is huge........in attitude and the peace in my home.
    They are respectful.
    Helpful and kind.

    No one, not our adult children or grandchildren have a right to come into our homes and cause turmoil.

    Your young boys are your responsibility and deserve all of your attention.

    I used to think that I could not live well, while my two d cs are out there making the choices they do.
    As I shifted focus, I gave them over to God and still pray daily that they will find their potential.
    I cannot spend time thinking about the what ifs.
    It is what it is.
    I am not cold, or distant, unfeeling.
    In fact I am quite the opposite.
    All of those years I spent in the swirly whirly of it all, caused so much grief and stress.
    I lost myself for awhile.
    My husband fought illness and passed on.
    It was a hard, hard lesson,
    and still,
    my two in the face of it all,
    continue to make terrible choices.
    I have come to realize that if I laid my life down,
    worrying over them,
    it would not change the fact that they are the captains of their ship, and will sail to where they wish.

    My going down in the deep dark salty sea of worry, changes nothing.

    I am working hard, at rebuilding my life.

    My son, now 16, enjoys being at home.
    While my two were in and out, I nearly lost him.
    It wasn't fair to him.

    I felt as if I had to choose between my kids, my grands.

    It was not my choice, all along, it was, and is, theirs.
    At home, they would continue on a destructive path,
    taking us all with them.
    That, is unacceptable.
    My Tornado has asked to "come home" a few times since hubs passed.
    I somehow found the strength to say
    "No, you need to go to a DV shelter."
    She didn't.
    She doesn't want to follow rules.
    She wants to go out and party.
    It would be worse for all of us, including her, here.
    Welcome, G, oh my. That's hard. Number 5.
    I am sorry for your troubles with your daughter.
    I am glad you are able to see your three grands.
    Breaking into your fathers cottage, ugh.
    My two have broken into our home, stolen things.
    It is sad that they would mistreat their own flesh and blood.
    My two are choosing drugs right now.
    It is a cold, hard reality, and I pray that one day, they will wake up from the haze.
    This is good advice.
    As long as our d cs go off the rails, it is important to shift focus to those who are taking responsibility.
    The grandkids know we love them.
    They benefit from stability and reassurance.
    Bless you for being there for your grands.
    I hope you are doing well, you sound strong.
    G and RM.
    You are both not alone in your struggles.
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I just started meditation techniques with an in line app. It really does help.

    No words were ever better said Leafy. Our stress anxiety and pain changes nothing.


    Leafy very time I read your posts and SWOTS, Lils, Jabbers and others it makes my jaw slack and my confidence grow.

    There are days I feel so defeated and sad and I come here and see what you have all endured and survived...no thrived through. It gives me hope and courage to keep on s positive path for myself.

    What happens with son will happen regardlesss.

    Wise Words.
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  8. gteach

    gteach New Member

    New Leaf, thank you for taking your time to respond to my post. I am on shaky legs sharing my story and getting to the point where I can accept that letting go of my feelings of responsibility for my daughter's actions is the best thing I can do for her. I have felt that if I don't believe in her, then who will? My parents supported me and gave me unconditional love through my trials as a young adult and I've felt that if I don't do the same for my child, then I am not living up to their example. I remind myself, though, that I listened to my parents and did what I was supposed to do because I wanted to make them proud of me. My daughter doesn't have the same motivation as I did. It is hard to accept. Thanks for your words and time. I have a lot more learning and letting go to do.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Loving unconditionally does not mean putting up with intolerable behaviour. Letting go with love and setting good boundaries is not giving up or not believing in your daughter.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    G, you are welcome. I am still here posting to try and help others as well as fortify myself. What I write is as much to remind me to stay the course. It is a hard journey we are all on.
    I understand where you are coming from. It is a grieving we go through with all of the stages.
    Each unfolding episode repeated my going down the rabbit hole trying just about everything for solutions that I had no control over.
    There were times I did not even want to get up and wobble around on those “shaky legs”, I was so excruciatingly devastated and tangled up in the darkness of it all.
    I thought I should be able to save my two, my grands and tried many times over.
    Letting go of those feelings was and is a long process. The end result is understanding that my two are adults on their own journeys trying to find their way in life.
    It is not the way I want or hoped for them.
    Of course you believe in her. She is your beloved.
    I believe in my two.
    I just don’t believe them.
    For now.
    They try to manipulate and hoodwink me.
    So, I have to be clever myself.
    I have to work hard at building myself up and having resources to strengthen my resolve.
    I don’t want to go back to what was.
    It was too hard.
    It was not a good place to be for me or them.

    I found much help through viewing an old recording of Viktor Frankl speaking on youth and looking for meaning in life........

    Crabbing. That's what helps me deal with my twos circumstances. I try not to take them as they are, I "overestimate" them, know that they do have a higher purpose, a spark.
    I believe in them.
    I pray for them.
    I also know that in their present state, I am not the one to help them.
    It ends up as enabling them to continue as is.
    I know the feeling.
    In my late husbands culture, one does not deny their adult children. Turns out that is a modern interpretation. “No work, no eat” was the real old way. Everyone had to contribute. Now, there are families living together with the grandparents footing much of the bills, working and taking care of grandkids. The parents are partying. Sleeping in all day.
    My parents were more on the tough love side. Out at 18, unless you are going to college. Heaven forbid we should need to come back home.
    Be self sufficient.
    I used to think that was cruel.
    You know, they had a respect for their relationship and home.
    They had a respect for the work they did in raising us. It was way different back then wasn’t it? I don’t recall too many kids feeling entitled, like now.
    It is hard to accept. Not only did my two not have motivation, partying became the number one goal. Never mind that hubs and I were both working and raising our youngest still. They didn’t appreciate our “help”.
    They took it for granted.
    I have thought long and hard about that term “unconditional” love. My daughter used it to accuse me of not loving her, if I didn’t step in, I didn’t love her “unconditionally”.
    Love says no, too.
    “No, you cannot stay here, you don’t get well.
    No, I will not allow you to mistreat me.”
    They cross them, I still love them.
    I just don’t like them very much when they are going off the rails.
    I don’t like their choices.
    I can’t have them living with me.
    It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in them.
    I know they are capable of so much more.
    I had to learn the hard way of what they were capable of when using drugs.
    Done with going down that road.
    Yup, that’s an entirely different scenario. I grew up in the 70,s. I was a terrible teen. Dabbled in pot and whatnot. Gave my folks a hard time. I stopped all that by 18. Apologized until I was 40 or so, for the grief I caused when I was younger. I felt awful.
    me too, G It is an ongoing process.
    I promised my son that the revolving door is closed. My priority is to him. He is nearly 17, trying to figure out what he wants for his life. I at least owe him a peaceful home after all of the hullabaloo he’s been through with his sisters, and nephews.
    That was a no brainer.
    The emotional letting go takes work.
    We love our kids.
    It is so hard seeing them trip and fall.
    The drama and chaos is off the charts.
    Emergency mode.
    It’s exhausting.
    My daughter can call me in a tizzy wanting something to happen right away.
    Gets my heart rate up there.
    Turns out, she is out partying while I am worried and stressed. She probably doesn’t even remember most of what we have all gone through with the craziness of it all.
    She will go no contact for months.
    Then, out of the blue, call as if nothing. No explanation, no apologies.
    I had to pull back and shift my focus to survive.
    I hope you keep posting. It helps to share and hear from others with similar stories.
    Take very good care of yourself.
    You matter.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey LBL, you are doing remarkably well, dear.
    It must be hard having your boy at home. You have been through so much. I hope he is able to get into rehab soon. Stand strong and make sure to take time for yourself.
    That’s what I had to learn about my two. They will do what they do.
    Still I hope for the best.
    Where there is life, there is hope.
    Thank you LBL.
  12. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    This is exactly how I feel, they did so much for me but again I listened to and respected them... just wish she would do the same.
  13. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Thank you so much for writing this.