22 year old son brings home new girlfriend of 3 weeks and she is sleeping in his bed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by swordfish, Nov 18, 2010.

  1. swordfish

    swordfish Guest

    What to do? My 22 year old son who lives at home, has a full time job, doesn't always pay the $25.00 rent that I requested but does do chores around the house, maintains the lawn. Recently he broke up with his girfriend of 2 years and started seeing someone else for the past 3 weeks. This new girl was sleeping in his bed when I left to go to work.She has stayed several times, and now has her toothbrush in the bathroom. I spoke to him about this and expressed my feelings and that is, that I don't approve of her staying overnight. I find this disrespectful to me and I am unconfortable with her being there in the morning. He pretty much told that I better get use to it because it's not going to change and he is paying rent. His father and I are in the middle of a nasty divorce and my son claims that his dad said that this is normal to have girlfriends stay overnight and that I need to get a life. I would like to have feedback from other parents
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bottom line: it is your home. He says it's not going to change becuase he's paying rent? He's got it backwards.. you're the "landlord," you're the one that gets to make the rules, not him. You're allowing him to stay, and sounds like he's got a sweet deal, if he's only paying (but not always paying) $25.00 .. is that at least weekly, I hope?!

    I would suggest you tell him that she may NOT spend the night, period. If he doesn't like it, he can pay rent somewhere else where they don't mind who spends the night ... he's an adult, you aren't obligated to let him live there. Maybe he can live with his dad who thinks it's such a normal thing to do?!

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of a nasty divorce, I imagine it's very stressful.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Some of us have faced this issue in the past. Some of us drew a line in the sand. Some of us rolled with the situation. I surely can't advise you because it really depends on how strongly you feel about it, how much it interferes with your life, how instrusive the company is etc. It's not unusual for the girlfriend to be a non-worker and as a result to stay at home without any supervision. There are just so many hairy aspects to the problem and alot of it depends on the difficult child himself.

    I send my support no matter what choice you make. Adult difficult child's have their own bag of complications. What a shame that so many of our kids haven't been able to successfully move on to adulthood at the expected age. Sigh! DDD
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Your house. Your rules. If he doesn't like it there is a door to walk through.

    Seriously. He's an adult. He can make his on way if he doesn't like your way and wants to cop an attitude.

    My brothers are in their 50's.........when they stay with my Mom, which ocassionally they do...............no females are allowed near the bedroom, let alone to spend the night. Why? Her house, her rules. Simple.

    Sounds like dear ol' dad is stirring up trouble.

    Travis would laugh at his dad for even suggesting such a thing. (at 24 he also pays rent/does chores) My girls would as well. My house. My rules.

    Not going to advice one way or the other. It's your house. Your rules. If you can put up with it and it doesn't bother you........fine. If not, time to make a stand,

  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    My take is also that it's your house/your rules. If you choose to let your son live at home, regardless of whether he pays rent, he needs to abide by the rules you set out. If he doesn't like it, he can move to another place where he can set the rules.
    Paying the rent doesn't give him free run of the house, or the "right" to dictate the house rules. If he lived in an apartment, he would have to abide by the landlord's rules (e.g. no pets, garbage and recycling must be separated -- in certain condos, only white curtains, etc.). There's no reason in the world why you can't impose whatever rules you see fit, including who can and cannot stay over in your house.

    If you're going to make a stand, now's the time to do it. If the behaviour gets entrenched, and then you try to change your mind 6 months or a year from now, it will be much harder.

  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    This is your home, and $25 a week (sometimes) isn't even enough to pay for his food. Be firm, and don't be bullied by him or his dads thoughts on the subject. Neither of them have a say.

    You deserve your home to be how you want it. If he wants to make rules somewhere else, he can go do that.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Your house your rules.

    I have sons who have lived at home after age 18. I happened to have let them have girlfriend's stay here with them. However, it wasnt a dating type thing where they brought any girl they were dating here for an evening of fun. The girls who have stayed here were long term relationships. I actually have one living here right now but she has been living with my son for the last almost 3 years.
  8. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Your house, your rules. If you don't want her there, she shouldn't be there. If son doesn't like it, he's free to leave.

    Personally, at this stage of my life, this wouldn't happen more than twice in my home - a warning the first time, and changed locks and packed bags (theirs, not mine) the second.. I may loosen up once the kids are all grown and out of the house- if they bring home a long-term significant other, I can see where I might allow them to stay in the same room... maybe. But absolutely positively not while they're living under my roof.

    Since his father doesn't seem to have a problem with- it, I'd "invite" son to move himself and girlfriend in with- dear old dad.
  9. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I agree with everyone else. Your house, your rules.... I also think if you let this one go you may be in for more trouble so to speak. I think he and his girlfriend may start to take advantage of you more so than they are now !
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Sue...when mine were young, I said that. And if I had girls, I would have said that...lol. I say that about Keyana too. I think my mom was a blooming idiot for actually inviting boys to stay in my room at 14. Well...we all know she was.

    But...I had a change of mind once mine (as boys) reached adulthood. My house is quite large and I dont have to know what is going on. At one point in time I had so many people here it wasnt even funny. I had every room filled to capacity. Jamie and Danielle were here, my mom was here, Cory was in and out of group homes, Danielles friend Nikki was here and Tony had a guy he worked with staying here. Of Course Billy was here. It was a mad house. Finally when Jamie kicked Danielle to the curb we got most everyone out...lol.
  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Don't let her stay! In some states you have to give 30 days notice to get her out! This happened to the difficult child of one board member, she took in a friend who then refused to leave.

    Come here and vent all you want, be strong. He should go live with his enabling father. GGGRRR!!!
  12. I'm curious, was the 2-year-relationship-girlfriend allowed to sleep over?

    Might you be mourning the loss of his last girlfriend too in the middle of going through the divorce?

    What you decide to allow in your home is your choice. I personally would not allow my adult child to have "romantic sleep over parties" in my home. But if you have in the past allowed the ex-girlfriend to stay, your son might be confused about why the new galpal is suddenly a problem.

    Might your son be receptive to a heart-to-heart conversation? You could talk about how much you love him and how hard the divorce continues to be on the entire family, and how you need him to be respectful of you especially in your household, and how it is your job as his parent to prepare him for "real life."

    I do think you'd be doing yourself and your son a favor by calmly and lovingly educating him that $25 is not "rent." It is a ONLY contribution towards covering A VERY SMALL FRACTION of the utilities he had already consumed in the prior week/month/whatever. Your son would also benefit from the education that chores are not rent.

    It may be very difficult to establish healthy boundaries with your adult son. You may fear damaging or even loosing your relationship with him ... especially in the midst of the painful reality of divorce.

    I do think it is important to try to establish healthy boundaries... Your son is at an age where it is appropriate for him to be "leaving the nest" very soon. Don't be afraid to see him fly. Do all you can to prepare him for the "real world."

    My heart goes out to you... I know divorce must be painful... and an "impending empty nest" is difficult for most every family... that difficulty must be more intense with the end of a marriage happening during the process.
  13. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with the MY HOUSE/MY RULES crowd. For 22, he sounds very immature and rude and disrespectful. If he doesn't like it at your place, well, he can always look for another place for $100/month...haha...and one that will let him skip payment every so often. Are you supporting him in other ways? I hope not. He should be taking care of himself by his age.
    I have let my kids long term significant others stay overnight when they come up to visit. My daughter has been with one guy for eight years and when they come up here, I certainly wouldn't tell them they couldn't stay together. However, he is also very respectful to me. How is this girl? Is she respectful? Does s he pay HER rent?

    It's not his call, it's your call. If Dad is cool with it, let Dad have him do it there.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What to do? It's your house, right? You tell him either she leaves and he stays, or she leaves and he leaves with her. Don't express your opinions, make rules and stand by them. That or let him do whatever he wants because he will.

    If dad thinks that it's ok, he should move in with dad.
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2010
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I sympathize with you .... I have an X who has very lax, and sometimes frankly crazy, standards for our difficult child in his home. She lives with him (she's 19 and only works about 20 hours per week, pays rent and does very minimal chores there) but spends every other weekend with me. She ocmes and goes as she pleases there, has guys in the house when he's not home...and I'm talking total strangers .... had her boyfriend in the bedroom last week when he came home......crazy. I made it very clear that I don't give a rat's patootie what his "rules" are, in my home she will abide by my rules and those rules include absolutely no guys in the bedroom. Period. Also, for now at least, she cannot have any members of the opposite sex in my house when I'm not here. The reasoning for that, unfortunately, is she tends to meet them online and I don't want strangers in my home. I would bend on this if she ever found herself in a long term relationship.

    Anyway, I explained that it's like the laws varying from state to state. You obey the law of the state or country you're in and it really doesn't matter what the law happens to be in the state you just left.

    I've also told her: "This is your HOME but it's my HOUSE."

    With our adult difficult child's, we've all had to choose our battles. In the end, do what you feel is best ... but don't allow him to bully you or wear you down with his inane claims that paying rent entitles him to his own fifedom.

  17. swordfish

    swordfish Guest

    No I'm not mourning the loss of his old girlfriend. when they started dating she was ini high school and stayed overnight, I was very upset about it..spoke to my son and my husband..I expressed my concern that legally we could be in trouble. She could easily have gotten our family in trouble (i.e. rape) My husband ignored it.. Even my neighbor who was a retired police officer suggested to my husband that we should not allow this sleepever.
  18. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    My 19 year old had a hard time with that one. "So this house is a dictatorship", he said. Yep.
  19. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I'm with the rest of them - your house, your rules! He gets away with (sometimes) paying "rent" that doesn't even cover the cost of the food he eats, and then he has the nerve to tell you that "You better get used to it" about having the girlfriend there? If my own son had ever had the nerve to say that to me, he would have found his butt, bags, and girlfriend kicked to the curb so fast his head would be spinning! And doing chores doesn't count ... that's something you do as a member of the household. That doesn't help pay the bills.

    You are, for all practical purposes, supporting a 22 year old grown man who is working full time while still enjoying all the benefits of living at home! If the girlfriend is moving in, will you be supporting her too? Is she eating your food, using your utilities? I really think you need to have one of those "Come to Jesus" meetings and give this young man a HUGE dose of reality, layout your rules and make it clear to him that he will have to abide by them or move out! Does he have any idea how expensive it would be for him if he had to get his own place, pay all the bills himself? Your house, your rules, not his! If you are not comfortable with the girlfriend being there, then she's OUT! Not his choice, it's yours! And at his age, with a full time job, he should be paying a fair amount of rent, enough that it really covers your extra expenses for having him there, not just a token $25 that he may or may not pay as he chooses. It doesn't work that way in the real world and he needs to find that out. I know how hard it is, especially with a soon-to-be ex working against you, but you're not doing your son or yourself any favors by continuing your current arrangement.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    There's lots of expressing concerns and suggestions going on here. It's time speak in terms of absolutes. You don't have a signature so it's difficult to know what kind of mental/physical health history your son has. Either way, he's not going to find a home for $25 anywhere else. It wouldn't be a horrible thing if he became self-sufficient and got his own place so that he and this girl can sleep together. But allow a stranger to stay in my house while I'm off at work? No way. Period. Allow a girlfriend to sleep over? They'd better both get jobs and get their own place if they want to play house. Period.

    FWIW, I know that the divorce makes triangulation a real issue. But I guarantee you, if he isn't living with daddy now, it's because daddy isn't as much of a pushover as you are. He may say it's no big deal, but if he really feels that way he should set up a bedroom for your son and any girl he wants to bring home.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2010