4 year old monster.... is it my fault?

[tomgurl101]

So first off, I would like to say I do not hate my child but I do hate his actions. I am a single mom and have been a single mom since the day he was born. I have always had problems either medically or now behavioraly. However, now is the time to be scared. My son is consantly arguing and fighting with me on everything. If it isn't his way it's no way. My friend was watching him while I worked and she told him it was nap time. He threw a huge fit. He destroyed her bedroom and broke some glass objects and even grabbed her small dog and threw it down the stairs more than once. A 5 year old was playing with him and my son got mad quickly and also pushed him down the stairs. He is constantly fighting and attackin children at daycare. He as been there since he was 6months old. He is considered part of the family. However at 3 parents complained that my son was giving their kid nightmares. He went to behavioral therapy for awhile and improved. Now he is coming back even worse and almost to the point of being sent home from daycare or being kicked out if not improved. I do not know what to do. I have tried all types of punishments. The only ones that have worked have ony worked for a short time. Now when I do any punishments he gets angry and more violent. I am scared to go to work in fear he will put a child in the hospital. He already tells people he is going to kill them and wish everyone was dead. I just don't know what to do. I hate myself, feeling like it is all my fault. HELP

 

[BusynMember]

The first answer to your question is it probably has nothing to do with you. He was probably born wired differently in his brain and has some sort of disorder that makes him so difficult (and confused and frustrated). The only way it could in any way be your fault is if you drank or did drugs while you were pregnant...that can affect kids and, if so, it's done so it doesn't matter anymore. He almost sounds like a child who has had a very chaotic early life and has maybe some attachment problems.

The trick is trying to get your young child evaluated by a group of specialists or a neuropsychologist to find out why he acts out the way he does. It is NOT due to lack of discipline. It is from something going on in his brain. Do you have any history on the biological father at all? Even though your son has never seen the man, he is 50% of your son's personality...DNA. Biology never leaves. It is always there. Do you know if his birth father had issues or mental illness in himself or any of his family? What about your family tree? These are clues as to w hat could be causing his inability to control himself.

Can you please give us some background information and tell us what type of infant/toddler he was. Did he have any delays? Does he still have delays? Did he have a VERY chaotic life when he was 0-3? Many different caregivers? You say it was only you. No months spent at grandmas and then back to you? No weeks in the care of an aunt or a friend? Did he get treated well by everyone in his world? No abuse?

How does your son do with changing from one activity to another? Can he do that without a meltdown? Does he cover his ears if the noise is too loud? Does he complain about his socks or the tags on his tee-shirts? Does he spit out certain food because of texture or taste? Does he ever repeat things you say or cartoons he's watched or movies? Does he like to watch the same things over and over again? Does he play correctly and imaginatively with toys?

Has he ever been evaluated at all? Seen even a counselor?

You say he had medical issues. Can you tell us what they were/are?

The more you share, the more we can help. Again, this is NOT your fault. Your child is different. The best way to help him and yourself is to find out what is going on and to get him early interventions. The earlier the better

 

[tomgurl101]

His father was adopted therefore i do not know anything about his family background except he has ADAHD. I have no know record of any mental illness except retardation which is a very far relative, and some learning disorders. I developed preclamsia when i was pregnant therefore he was born 4.5 weeks early. he was constantly hospitalized, constantly sick for the first year. The first 6months was rough. I had my son goin to random babysitters so i could work. His dad took him for one weekend when he was 2. My best friend n my dad between both took my son for 6 days when i was away for a work seminar. And my friend has taken him camping for 2days recently. Other than that I have not had any real breaks. I had my son in A.W.A.R.E. for a few months when he was 3 but my family freaked out about it so i removed him n put him up with a behavioral therapist. He was there for 4months until my insurance stopped covering. My son has always been a very picky eater. I think it is the texture of the food he does not like because he does not like most meats and he does not like pasta of any kind. He does repeat things he hears from me and others and from T.V. I remember I almost hit a dear and I yelled "Oh ****!" my son repeated it for days. My son is also very smart. He remembers lots of details, he is great with puzzles, and can already count to 15. I am told that they have to constantly distract him with something new when he starts to act up. Ummm anything else you would like to know?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Has he ever had a comprehensive evaluation? the kind that take several hours of testing?

I'm just another parent, but... it sounds to me like there are at least three potential issues just from your last post, and possibly more.
1) sensory issues... are often a cause of behavior issues. More importantly, they are often part of a larger diagnosis, such as Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). An Occupational Therapist (OT) can do an evaluation for sensory and motor skills issues, AND has therapies, interventions, and accommodations that will help. Plus, an Occupational Therapist (OT) report is usually of value to a comprehensive evaluator.

2) Constantly sick for the first year... NOT your fault, but kids who are sick a lot in the early years often end up with "insecure attachment". That would be added to by the variety of caregivers over those first three years of his life... Attachment disorders are a spectrum - not just one extreme. The less extreme attachment disorders can be helped, but not by your typical behavioural therapist. Attachment needs to be built, and it isn't too late to make a significant difference.

3) possibly some brain damage due to the medical issues?

Just some ideas to toss out there...

 

[BusynMember]

You are an adult. I know how intimidating family can be, but they raised you and now it's your turn to raise your own child without listening to their "helpful" advice. I would put him back in AWARE. He obviously has some issues (again) that are not related to your parenting. If your family doesn't like it, tough. Detach from telling them every detail and detach from THEM if they are in denial. YOU are not in denial. That is brave of you and cowardly of them. I'm glad your son has YOU on your side.

There is no way for any of us to diagnose your son, but with the very limited information you gave me, he sounds like there is a good chance he could have Aspergers Disorder...these are smart but very differently wired kids who get frustrated fast and often do well in school (at first) but can not relate to other human beings well. They need help understanding how to socialize and fit into a world that confuses them and makes them act out.

On the other hand, hurting an animal is a big red flag for an attachment disorder too. You really need to get this child completely evaluated. Don't mention it to your extended family. They don't have to know. Either take him to a university center that has a bunch of qualified people who can test him in each area or take him in one fell swoop to a neuropsychologist (the university hospital is still the best way to go). I don't know if you have Medicaid, but if you do, university hospitals are Medicaid friendly.

Your son can not go on getting no help just because your mother, grandmother, kissing cousin, or BFF who has no clue doesn't think you should get him extra help. You need to tune out their advice and do what is right. Kindergarten is coming up and he should be getting ready for it, possibly with accommodations to help him adjust. He needs to start working on that frustration level so that he does not hurt kids in kindergarten when he gets there or that he at least has a behavioral IEP in place. To get any services you need a diagnosis that goes beyond just ADHD/ODD. And I think his behavior is beyond just ADHD/ODD anyway.

You sound young and it is sooooooooo easy when you are a young mother to listen to your own mother, but she was brought up during a time when having a disordered child was shameful and there was little help.That is not the case anymore and there is oodles of help for children like your son.Call the school district and ask if they have any Early Education for children like him. And make an appointment. today to see either a neuropsychologist or a universal hospital testing team. Don't delay. The longer you do, the worse it gets. These behaviors will probably never go away on their own, without intervention.

I would not be shocked to hear that his diagnosis is Aspergers Syndrome.

Do not trust school personnel, a plain therapist or a counselor to try to diagnose. They are not trained to do the right testing and legally can not diagnose. Go for the big guns--psychiatrists, neuropsychs, testing teams headed by a neuropsychologist.

It is a common trait for Aspies to have phenomenal rote memories. My son learned how to sight read by two. I thought he was a genuis until I realized that although he was great at memorizing words (he still has a great memory for rote memory), he had no idea what his reading meant. Your son repeating things you said over and over is a symptom of the spectrum.

Again, keep anything you do from your family. They may mean well, but they are not advising you in your child's best interest.

Keep us posted!!!