41 year old daughter pregnant

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Blindsided, Mar 18, 2020.

  1. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Just when I thought nothing could shock me.

    I have not known how to really make this post. So much has been going through my mind.

    As most know, my middle aged daughter is an alcoholic and abuses adderall and xanax and has manipulated and abused me. Since setting boundaries and sticking to them, she has done better towards me, but not for herself. Has been same victimhood. Cant have a baby, too sick, no place to live this, that.

    I let go and let God. I spend much of my day in prayer. I try to stay in touch with her every couple of weeks by sending an emoji. Last week I send heart, mammogram? She had a lump and was sure she was dying because sick. Mammogram fine. At that time, she was at doctor and texted that to me. She was there to get test results for bloating. She calls me. I answer (usually dont until I can digest what it could mean because PTSD).

    She says, mom, (actually did not call me by my first name) "I am pregnant!" She thought after all these years it was impossible. The main cause of depression, she said. Had tried to get pregnant with last boyfriend of 4 years.

    When I got myself together I said, "well, as your mother I am glad you are sick because of this instead of liver failure. Anyway, ultrasound next day. Baby due Oct 5th. I told her of the obstacles, fetal alcohol and age related risks. She said not getting abortion or giving up for adoption.

    My son and sis said i need to encourage abortion, but I cant because of my own beliefs. When I said, I cannot do that, they said to get ready to raise a disabled grandchild. At 70 and 74? That was not what I needed to hear.

    I told Difficult Child to call about detox under supervision. She called!!!! They told her she could try on her own. I talked to her sister (step, who took her in for a while) and Difficult Child is doing great. Sober, sound mind, able to problem solve. (I had same experience the day I talked to her on phone). She is 6 days completely alcohol and adderall free, and nearly off xanax. Her sis said Difficult Child is dedicated to doing the best for her baby.

    As for father, he doesnt currently have a job. Unclear if it is because of coronovirus, but she doesnt live with him. She stays with a male friend that I imagine she manipulated. He is alcoholic, too. No idea how that will work out, but I made clear I am not the rescue person anymore.

    I know not to go all in. I expected her to use this to manipulate and she tried to play to my emotions. Difficult Child called again and said she doesnt know what she is going to do. Roommate asking her to leave. I simply said, "you will figure this out. I am very proud and you are capable."

    Theres more, but this should give an idea of why I am apprehensive.

    For the first time in years she texted me back today when I sent a text that sis filled me in and a gif way to go! She said thank you and asked if we were ok and have food.

    This is so much to process. I dont want to get too involved, but I need to let her know if she flies right, we can have a relationship again.

    If you are a praying person, I sure need them.
  2. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Wow blindsided, that is a bunch to swallow. I have met a few women that were off track, they told me that having a baby saved their life. I pray this is the case with your daughter. I am praying for a healthy baby, a healed relationship between you and your daughter and for the PG hormones to not knock your daughters hormones off too much. There sounds as if there is the possibly for some sincere healing. Please God, hear our prayers.
  3. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thinking and praying. I hope, too, that this might be something that will lead her to a better path. It hasn't with my daughter (yet), but she is younger, and our circumstances turned out differently.

    Prayers for peace...
  4. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Praying for you, and for her, Blindsided. Maybe this be the beginning of good things.
  5. louise2350

    louise2350 Active Member

  6. louise2350

    louise2350 Active Member

    My prayers are with you and your daughter, Blindsided.
  7. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    My prayers are with you and your daughter. I am happy that there is a shimmer of light and your daughter for once treated you as you always hoped to be treated (with a nice comment and some care and concern) but I probably don't need to tell you to take caution. I think all of us here know how they can build us up so we're flying on cloud 9 thinking the prodigal son has returned to then in the next phone call feel like we got sucker punched.

    I guess my own PTSD issues with this would caution me to say to you, keep your armor up amidst this new territory. But you are a veteran at this, so probably already know.

    Sending prayers.
  8. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Praying for wisdom for you to know how much to do/not do; say/not say. Praying for transformation in your daughter's heart and a baby that is healthy despite her lifestyle.
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Maybe your dtr can be proactive and start applying for help for her and the baby. If she doesn't have insurance she should apply for state insurance, WIC, food stamps, low income housing. Many pregnancy related organizations could inform her of what's available in her state/community.

    Scary times, but let's hope this will push her to be better, live better!

  10. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Newstart, thank you so much for those positive words. Thank you for the prayers, so much.

  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Thank you so much, ChickPea. I am so sorry and used to say I was glad I didnt have a grandchild in the midst. I know many here have DCs that use their grandchildren for emotional blackmail. I am so grateful to those who have shared, because I know what can happen, which means I have to be super vigilant with enforcing boundaries without making my Difficult Child feel abandoned. We live 20 hours away by car most of the year. I have to monitor the situation closely without fixating.

    Thank you again. I am so lucky to have you and the others here
  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Jaycee thank you for the concern and prayers. Yes, as I replied to ChickPea, I have to be super aware of manipulation without letting Difficult Child feel abandoned.

    I truly feel this happened at this time for a reason. A year ago, I would not have been prepared. Because of the sharing here, I now I will do better than I would have.

    Love your comment. It gave me a visual prompt. Keep your armour up amidst this new territory. Thank you.

    Love and light
  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    That was beautiful, Beta. Tears in my eyes. I feel love in your words.

    Love and light to you
  14. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    thank you, KSM. She does have insurance and food stamps. I will encourage her again. She is reluctant to follow through with anything, until now. I know this baby will not cure her mental health issues (suspect bi-polar, family history, and/or a personality disorder. As outpatient years ago, she was started on Adderall and Xanax for supposed ADD and depression, but she never got a full assessment by a psychiatrist and she refuses to accept she needs that help. My eyes are wide open. Even in the best scenario, I will be pushing for her to get treatment. She cant take any medications they would give her, so I am not dwelling on that now, but realize having a baby isn't going to cure a mix up in her brain messaging.

    Thank you for your well wishes, heartfully recieved.

    In healing
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    She knows this. Blindsided, I think you handled this perfectly.

    As far as housing, in my community there are sober living homes for women, and they would help and support your daughter to sustain recovery and to prepare for the birth of the baby. They would also help get her housing and to develop a support structure ongoing. There are community services. You don't need to do it, nor do I. In fact, it's way better for our children if they are the ones that reach out and develop the network they need, and with that, the motivation and skills to sustain it.

    I am impressed how your daughter is responding to this. We need to remember that these are adults, making adult choices, whether or not we agree. She has a chance here to change, and the reason to do this. She is clear she does not want an abortion or to give up her baby. As frightened as you are, I believe you did the right thing backing off. If she is unable to care for the baby, she can make another choice along the line. We have no control here. She does.
  16. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    A lot of cities have housing for pregnant teenagers, but not many have these programs for adult women who are in recovery from alcohol/drugs. Our city does. We have a lot of services here. This kind of program might be ideal for her. Our state no longer prosecutes pregnant women with addiction problems because it might prevent them from getting help. They're allowed to keep their babies now as long as they're getting help.
  17. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    That is encouraging. thank you. She is in another state, so not sure what is available, but I did find a resource for her with a group that takes all info and provides resources that meet her needs. I did a lot of calling different places and wanted a resource to share for my own peace of mind. She refused it and got nasty with me the first time. Now that she is pregnant, I sent it again with a text that it was up to her to decide to check it out and basically, not my choice to make. We shall see. Hard to stick to boundaries without wondering if Difficult Child feels abandoned. But, I have no control over that either. I want to trust, but that is going to take effort on her part.

    It us good to know there are programs that have such boundaries.

    Love and light
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Uh Oh. This showed up from the other thread. Coconut is a baby sloth. Apple shared that we can have breakfast with Coconut every morning, at least for now. I did "meet" Coconut but missed having breakfast with her. (I think she's female, but have not verified.) She is quite adorable. In these times I need every friend I can find.
    What's that saying, Blindsided? Trust but verify. I think you are very wise.

    I believe we can trust, because trust is in us, in our hearts. Trust is safe, if we verify. And that's what you are saying here, I think.

    What I'm saying here is love and open-heartedness are always good. But not open season. How is it that I was so slow to grasp this? Sometimes there has to be a great distance, even without communication, even life-long, even though there is great love. Even living with the reality that we may never be able to have physical closeness we can sustain love. *This would be the worst case, like what happened with my father. I would hope to g-d for all of us, it never came to this with our children. For me, I want to learn to have ownership of my love, but as Blindsided is modeling for us, the steps to take to establish safety for us, have to be taken by our children, we can't take them. We can only take responsibility to make ourselves safe, and to look to the objective changes our children make, and verify them. And meanwhile hold onto our love and our trust, because those are us. But not serve them up in a silver platter. Until there is sustained safety for us.

    Somehow all of this has been oh so difficult for me to grasp. I guess because I located myself in my son's life and even his body.

    I'm realizing lately that my mistrust and fear with loved ones, including my son, came not from their hurting my heart, but from my giving over my heart, without maintaining safety, realistic limits, and without recognizing that the responsibility to protect my heart was mine, not the other's.

    Yes. I have had people in my life that did not accept responsibility for their behavior or understand or care about the cost of their choices, to me. My son is among them. But where I crashed on the rocks initially was with my family of origin. I needed them. That was the initial confusion with my son. It was not wrong of me to hold back or to cut off communication, even until their death, of a parent who was unsafe to me. But my son is not that.

    I am trying hard now to see that trusting in itself is a good thing. But I'm seeing now that my trusting would not have been a fault. It never was. The betrayal of our trust is outside of us. The trust is not the culprit. There needs to be, in me, the recognition and responsibility to verify if trustworthiness is present in those around me. This is what I think Blindsided is saying. This is an important conversation for me.

    If they behaved badly, they are responsible. But I am responsible if I let them in close without verifying over time that there is safety for me. That is exactly what you're saying here. How is it that I am only now getting the concept?

    Thank you for your post. It's helping me reconcile painful choices of long ago, and to find forgiveness, for myself and for others.
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2020
  19. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Yes. I am watching for the behaviors that foster trust.
    Yes. Safety for me. It's been a process to accept I have needs, too.
    And, thank you. You always give advice or reply in ways that help me. I agree but need reminding Occupational Therapist (OT) is just as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.

    Blessings, Copa, for taking the time to help me work through this.
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Wow what a shocker.

    Prayers that maybe this will help her to turn her life around. We never know what will do it. This could be it.

    Glad you are keeping your distance. You need to enjoy your retirement.

    Keep us posted.

    Will pray for you all.