A boundary

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just realized that boundaries are not just about what you allow others to do to or not do around you.

    Sometimes boundaries are about who you can let in and need to firmly keep out. I am not talking about my family of origin here. I am done referring to them specifically. I am talking about all people. Today I had to make such a decision. The person doesnt need to know and I will never be rude or unkind around him/her and I will have to see the person again. But the person will not be allowed to know my thoughts, my ideas or progress to a friendship role. In the past, I let almost anyone in too far too fast. No more.

    Just sharing something I hadnt considered a boundary before.

    Have a good day!!
     
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    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  2. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Makes complete sense!
     
  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Learned that particular lesson YEARS ago! Boundaries are vital to surviving in Corrections.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter is in Corrections now and she already knows that!
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely positively correct! People like myself (and maybe you ?) when we like someone or have known someone a long time, tend to be more open. This doesn’t always bode well. And if it causes any type of difficulty, a boundary here is likely wise.

    Something somewhat related...somewhat opposite:
    I actually think some people as almost a default set up this boundary. Almost arbitrary. They rarely ,if ever, let people into their private thoughts. I have one friend like this. I’ve known her 30 years. I know very little of her private thoughts. Little , if anything , of her fears / concerns. Knowing her very long allows me to take some guesses...but that’s all.
    Sometimes, I almost resent this. I find it creepy. I strongly suspect this is how she is with everyone, with the possible exception of her husband. I’m starting to clam up a bit with her even though she often relishes in MY stories, esp about our Difficult Child. Will our friendship survive? Time will tell.

    I’m actually doing this with two friends. This one and another. Different reasons and to different degrees.
     
  6. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I really like that boundry idea Swot. Please keep on sharing any new ideas on boundires. I am like a willing sponge when it comes to this subject because I struggle very badly with boundry issues in my life. It's hard to have boundries when you have no choice but to deal with someone who is making you upset in any way. So any ideas about having boundries with those types of people, I really need to hear them! Thanks Swot.
     
  7. Wish

    Wish Active Member


    Nomad, I have a feeling we have a lot in common when it comes to the subject of friends. I have read previous post of yours about it and I relate to your friend situations very well. If you ever feel like talking about them more, I would love to hear it and converse with you about it as well.
     
  8. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I forgot to include this on my last message to you Nomad.

    Yep. I whole-heartedly agree.

    Double yep. I have a friend just like this too. Drive you nuts, doesn't it?
     
  9. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Nothing arbitrary about it. Realistically, for a bunch of us its not a boundary as much as a self defense mechanism. You share, you get mocked for it, you share, you get ignored, you share, you get looked at like a bug. Eventually you just quit sharing with 99% of the people out there. I know many people I work with find me a bit creepy because of this. I simply don't care what they think. You would hardly ever here from me here if it weren't for the anonymity of the internet. If this were a face to face meeting for a support group, I'd be the one sitting quietly in the corner, not contributing much if anything.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I used to trust and share too much and yep it was thrown at me, especially from family. I do still share. Its my nature. I just stopped caring if it got thrown back at me. Big deal.

    I dont share as much or with people I dont trust. But....I tend to want to trust many so I share.

    The only time I recall this getting tossed back at me is from family, really. Others have not done it
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018 at 8:16 AM
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    This has given me a lot to think about.

    We (I mean that very generally) have to be careful that if one shares their personal feelings, that I/we don't ridicule etc. People are entitled to their personal feelings and in a way, you might even consider it an honor that they chose you to share with.

    (As a side note...I loathe what insanity I see on FB...double loathe the political unkindness)

    For me, it makes sense that when you don't know someone well or for awhile, that you probably shouldn't do this. A boundary of sorts. A wise one.

    But, if I've known them a very long time or I have shared with them, it seems almost like they are "witholding" if they NEVER share anything of a personal nature.

    I'm NOT talking about secrets. Those should always be kept just that...quiet/secret. If one feels they must talk about something that is a secret....well, then maybe with a therapist or possibly with your spouse.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018 at 8:06 AM
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm an over-sharer. I know it. Have I been mocked, ignored, looked at funny? Probably. I tend to be fairly oblivious. When someone does do or say something about me that's hurtful, I'm often more hurt than I should be because I never see it coming.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nomad, I do not know how you can be real friends with somebody and only talk about the weather. Men tend to do this and often just share sports or jobs etc. But i think many women need more.

    I am going to give an example and will call the lady Jane. I told Jane everything and thought she shared with me, but she didnt. She gave little.nuggets here and there. The thing that made me realize how secretive she is was when she told me she was divorcing her husband of many, many years. Honestly, the way she had presented the marriage, I thought it was Brady Bunch. It totally shocked me.

    I realized I didnt know anything about her at all. And if I know nothing about you, are we really friends?

    Of course, the state of her marriage was none of my business. But if I invest in a relationship and share part or all of my story, it feels kind of empty not to get anything back.

    Maybe thats just me (shrug).
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    FB is no longer a part of my life. Talk about people over sharing, bragging, putting out their political and religious beliefs and more....i still have an account but havent posted in ages. It is almost all dog rescues, nothing about me.

    I saw a Dr. Phil episode where a mother of twin girls (babies) had her pictures stolen by some other woman and she claimed they were HER babies and ran with it on FB. She eventually started stalking the family off FB. I dont recall how she found them.

    This reminded me that some people are very sick and that FB isnt so safe. I quit posting pictures of my cute little grandaughter and soon after my kids got off FB (for their own various reasons) and I quit. They were the only reason I was on. I didnt really care about the people I went to school with and I really have no family. No reason for FB. I can text or call anyone I want to communicate with.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018 at 8:46 AM
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    You have no idea how badly I am struggling with this topic.

    I have two friends that are, for lack of a better word "secretive." (I have a third one is a kind of this way. Her "deal" is one regarding image. Ugh. )

    One, that is secretive, is basically a person we travel with. BUT, we have known them for thirty years. You are right, it is tough to have a friendship with a person who barely reveals anything about themselves. Over the many years, things happen and therefore we end up almost accidentally privy to certain things. They have been really good about listening to our drama re: our d c. They have been kind and helpful. Sometimes, we are in such a bad state, when we first see them, they can't get a word in edgewise. But, other times, we are more relaxed. It's just weird. One day you "wake up" and you say...wait a second. In thirty years, they have never had a concern, a difficulty, a fear, a question...nada?

    I too hate FB. I use it now mostly to store recipes. No kidding. Lol! On occassion, I'll put a photo of our grandkids that I particularly like. Usually, a single photo. I rarely put photos of vacations, etc. We moved, and the folks from our former city have expressed that they greatly appreciate the photos of our grands...they are cute and are growing and are happy for us that we live in the same city with our grankids and can now see them often. This is positive and healthy and I'm good with that. I'm with you...I've seen way too much over sharing, creepy mean political posts and enough narcissism on FB to kinda freak me out.

    I too wonder if FB is safe and no longer use my last name, do not indicate my city or birth date. I also do not use my photo in my profile picture. If on a rare occasion I use my grandson in the profile picture, he is facing in a weird direction and you can't see his full face. I use a lot of discretion.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nomad, I so get you!!

    I think I would refer to the uber secretive people as travel buddies, at least in my head. Thats what you do together!

    I am happy for you that you now live cliser to your very important people. I feel much safer sharing in person than on FB.

    Unfortunately the internet is not completely safe. I have pretty much cut back to this site, which is ananymous, and I love to learn thinhs on youtube and other sites. But i dont post anywhere else. Nobody who doesnt know me needs to see nor do they care what I like, what I do, where I go etc. And if they know me, they dont have to look. They know.

    Good idea about not using last name. Maybe I will change mine.