I have been on hiatus from this site for quite a while. Maybe a year or so, or perhaps two. I don’t remember. I notice several regulars are also gone. I’m dropping in for a little update. First, my youngest son Christopher graduated high school on Thursday. I cried at the ceremony, and felt pretty silly for it, especially since I work at the school and most of my co-workers were there. I just cannot express how proud I am of my son. I think back to when he was first diagnosed with severe ADHD and Asperger’s when he was ten. With an IEP and some pretty awesome case carriers, and in high school in particular, his intense speech therapy and regular therapy, and medications for his ADHD, he has come a LONG way. He has been on the honor roll all of his high school career, and he has literally almost perfect attendance, except for one tardy in the entire four years he’s been here. Several of his teachers say he is the best writer they have ever seen. I have read some of his work, and he is BRILLIANT. His writing moves me to tears. He is an aspiring author, and he is already working on his first novel. Several of his teachers and I have even suggested he work for a local newspaper or even a website, writing articles. Last year he was in a film studies class, and he had to review the movies they watched. His writing was on point. There are people out there who are as talented as him, making very good money doing that sort of thing. He still needs some help with his social skills, but he’s come a very long way in the last 8 years. He is headed off to college in August to pursue his career in writing, and study his general ed. He is a success story all on his own. As for my daughter Alexa, she is a hot mess and a train wreck. Those phrases are understatements.She is now 21, and after six years in high school, never graduated. She maybe attended 20 percent of the time, the whole 6 years. She has been refusing medications and treatment since she turned 18, which is unfortunate, because now she has been more unstable than she ever was when she was on medications and therapy (and she wasn’t even stable then.) She is incredibly verbally abusive to me. I get called fking stupid, a fking idiot, and fking lazy (if you can believe THAT one) on a daily basis. She screams and yells so loudly, I’m very surprised nobody has called the cops so far. We live in a complex where half of it's patients have various mental and developmental disorders, and most of them have caregivers who regularly monitor them or even, in some cases, live with them. We are there as regular tenants. I’m pretty sure the police haven’t been involved so far because our neighbors assume she is one of the patients. She is on and off again suicidal. A few months ago she told me that earlier in the day, she had taken a bath and picked up one of the razors, contemplating hard about slicing her wrists open. Then she remembered the devastation we all went through when her older brother committed suicide, and that’s what stopped her. Of course she refused to go to the hospital, and after these episodes she acts normally and convinces everyone she wasn’t serious, so the hospital won’t consider her high risk enough to admit her. In the meantime, she always says she hates life and she’s praying God will give her an early death, to take her out of her misery. She finally agreed to see a therapist and psychiatrist last month, and thankfully she actually made it to the appointment and wasn’t in a manic phase to make herself think she didn’t need it. My daughter finally agreed to work with me on getting her on disability, and besides getting her back on medications and getting some personal therapy again, we are going to get a doctor to help us along with getting her qualified. Her appointment with the new psychiatrist didn’t go as expected. She thinks my daughter can pull herself together and eventually be able to hold down a full time job and live on her own. Apparently she doesn’t know my daughter too well. There is NO way she will be capable of handling her own finances, working a full time job, and live on her own. I hate to say it, but as her mother, I have seen her deteriorating pretty badly over the years, and this includes all the years she was on various medications and received out of home counseling, in school counseling, and an IEP since she was six. I can see her maybe holding down a part time job once she’s more stabilized, while on disability, and maybe living with a roommate and a part time caregiver coming in to monitor her medications and manage her finances. I don’t see “completely independent” in the near future. by the way, her psychiatrist also gave her new medications, and she took them for two days then quit. Not because she didn’t like the side effects, but because she didn’t “feel like it.” Sigh…. In other news, I’m getting married next July. My fiancé and I met and dated a few years ago, split up for a while, then re connected a year ago in April. He is the man who has made me realize why it never worked out for anyone else. He is three years older and doesn’t have any children of his own, but he already thinks of my kids as his kids. Besides myself and Alexis’ grandmother, he is one of the best advocates she has right now. He has some disorders of his own. He is bipolar like my daughter and I, although his is much milder than ours. He has an anxiety disorder like I do, and mild Tourette’s. Speaking of anxiety, I have been of of any type of anxiety medications for almost a year now, and this is the best I’ve ever felt in years. I am still on a mood stabilizer for my bipolar, but the anxiety medications have gone bye bye. I still have the occasional panic attack, but they are pretty mild in comparison to the everyday severe attacks I used to have. I don’t know if anyone here remembers, but my anxiety attacks used to be so severe I found myself going to the hospital on more than one occasion with heart attack symptoms. I don’t miss those days. I am retiring from the school in four and a half years, when I turn 52. My fiancé and I will be moving to his home town of Nebraska, where the cost of living is much, much cheaper than California. I have already been there once, and I have fallen in love with it. Taking Alexa with us is not an option. Not for my soon to be husband’s sake, but for my OWN. After the last 14 years of some pretty bad struggling as a single parent, I think I finally deserve a LIFE. I need prayer surrounding that one. I need to find good care for my daughter in hopes that, with some help, she can be partially on her own, WITHOUT me. If anybody is still reading this (if any of you remember me, you know that I am incapable of small posts, lol) I wish you all luck, and I will drop in from time to time and to see how you are doing.