A question....need guidance...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Proudmama888, Oct 3, 2015.

  1. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I have a question.
    I have posted on here before about my 16 year old addicted daughter. And I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support, advice & shared experiences. It truly does help to know I am not alone!
    She was arrested and I am her surety.
    Her conditions are not to use drugs or alcohol & not to see her boyfriend.
    She is doing both, I have called the police, once, nothing happened. Some people tell me that it could have just been the officers on duty that night didn't want to bother with the paper work, etc...

    My question is, should I keep calling? Every time she breaches? If I do am I going to mess up her chances of her treatment bed that is ready for her after Thanksgiving?
    This is the first time she has been arrested. I'm at a loss. Not sure what to do.

    Thank you in advance....
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is a hard one. I understand that you don't want to mess up getting her in treatment. However, treatment won't work if she doesn't want it and the fact that she is breaking the conditions of her bond tells me that she doesn't.

    So, if I was in your place, knowing what I know now from years of trying to force my daughter into treatment that didn't work, I would call the police each and every time that she breaks the conditions of her bond. Even if they don't do anything, you would have documentation of your efforts and your daughter would know that you mean business.

    I'm sure others will be along and will have different viewpoints.

  3. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you for the advice Kathy.
    I think you are right.
    Her actions show the opposite of what I thought she wanted or was ready for.
    So frustrating!!!
  4. BusyMe

    BusyMe New Member

    Does she has a court date scheduled? If yes, try to speak to them now. They should have a mental health specialist that might help. May be they can talk to a judge to request compulsory counselling, drug testing, school attendance. You can also write a mail to the judge and ask for help.

    You might call CAS and ask for help. CAS officially works with kids till 16 in Ontario but they might work till 18 in special cases. Not sure if you really want to get CAS involved but CAS workers usually have experience working with youth court and they might help to navigate. Do you have other young kids at home? If yes and her behaviour put other kids at risk CAS will do something.

    I would call each and every time in hope to get help.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It may depend on where you live but if the case is in the court then it really in the courts hands and not the police..... so the police cant really do anything unless she is doing something illegal that they can arrest her for. However if it is a condition of her release (which is what it sounds like) then the court can do something. So my suggestion would be to call the court and speak with either probation or the DA depending on where her case is at.
    Now of course doing that could land her in detention and she could be really really angry for doing it.....but it still may be the best thing for you to do. I think I would at least call the court and find out who you should talk to.
  6. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you both for the suggestions.

    I have tried calling CAS in the past; they have told me I am doing everything they they would suggest.

    She does have a court date scheduled. We are trying to get it switched to after her treatment. She is scheduled to go to treatment next week.
    I'm afraid if I call the police on her, she will lose her spot in treatment, because of being detained. Not sure if that makes sense...
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It totally makes sense.... of course your priority is getting her into treatment and given that she is 16 that is absolutely the best place for her. Too bad you have to wait so long, that is crazy. Is the court date scheduled after she starts treatment? If so then when the next date comes they should postpone it until she is done with treatment.... at least that has been my experience here.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I thought that you said that there wouldn't be a treatment bed ready until after Thanksgiving. If it is next week, I would probably wait and see if she really is willing to go.

  9. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Sorry, by next week I meant after Thanksgiving, which is a week from tomorrow.
    It feels so far away. She needs to be there now! We are trying to get her court date remanded until the end of Jan., after treatment.
    Sorry for the confusion.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    @Kathy... Thanksgiving is much earlier in Canada... like just around the corner. Its a challenge keeping track of the differences in long weekends - I work in a cross-border company and deal with it all the time.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Since her treatment date is right around the corner I would not call the police. I may have a different opinion if it was later. How long is this treatment program?
  12. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Oh, right! I'm sorry @Kathy813 - I often forget there are Americans in this forum too.
    And Nancy - it is 3-6 months!
    I know this is going to sou d awful, but I can't wait!!
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Doesn't sound awful at all...it's what she needs and you will probably sleep better while she is there!
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If the treatment is a week away, I agree with the others. You have already shown your daughter that you mean business by calling the police. Waiting one week, to ensure she enters treatment is the best thing for both of you.

    If she demonstrates in treatment that she is not serious, it would be an entirely different thing, when she comes home.

    I have learned that it is the best to call the police every single time.

    I am with TL. You sound like any normal mother who has her hands more than full.

    I wish you both well.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Proudmama, when my daughter went into treatment, the first parent education day the counselor asked how many of us have slept all night for the first time in years. We all raised out hands. She said every parent feels relief for the first time, that their loved one is in a safe and helping environment. You do not sound awful at all.
  16. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Thank you everyone for your kind words!!
    I can't wait to sleep!!! Can't recall the last time I slept more than a few hours....its actually amazing how our bodies adjust with very little sleep!!
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today?

    I don't see any info on your signature--is this the daughter that had run away and there was nothing you could do because she is able to be on her own in Canada?

    Then she came back to your home after she was arrested?

    I am so happy that she is going to rehab.

    Is she going on Tuesday?

    Let the countdown begin!
  18. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Hi yes, same daughter.
    Court is Tues & admission to treatment on Thurs.
    She has been home because we are her surety.
    Well, when I say home I really mean she stops by and graces us with her presence every few days.
    I hope she stay in treatment this time!!

    Thank you for the well wishes!!
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi again Mama

    I read your update and felt sad that your daughter is stopping by now and then.

    I hope you use the period she is in treatment to think about and talk about with the counselors what should happen if she returns home following treatment and relapses again.

    I have not had an addicted child. I need to say that upfront. Nor do I have any expertise in the treatment of addiction. The question I have is this: What would be the effect of letting her use your home as she is doing for any protracted period of time, if and when she relapses again? I know we are all hopeful that she will recover this time....but you need to be prepared with a plan.

    Everybody seems to agree that for this short period, it makes a whole lot of sense. And there seems to be a consensus that a longer period tolerating her behavior would not.

    What I am saying is this: While she is in treatment, you have an opportunity to think through various contingencies and to plan for them. What will be my response if this happens? Or that? What are my conditions? What will be available alternatives? Etc.

    If the legal age of emancipation in Canada is 16, there has to be a time when your daughter begins to have to take seriously the costs to her of her behavior and begins to understand that those costs do not involve you.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2015