WhyDoWeFallBruce?
Member
My 19 y.o. son moved in with me this spring, after Living with his mom for years. He wasn’t doing well, did not have a job or go to school. They fought a lot, he and his mom. He had asked me before, if he could live with me instead, and I had one demand: get a job. That was it.
Well, after a while I caved and told him to move in with me anyway.
My plan was to show him how to lead a life as an adult before moving on. He even got a contract with T&C and rent.
A week after he moved in, my bedroom was turned upside down, while I was away for the night. And from then on, it only got worse. Lying, stealing and basically making the home feel like chaos. One night, when he woke me by standing in my bedroom, holding the key to a safetybox in my room, I knew he was using. After the second week I told him: treatment or out. Simple enough, right? He got into treatment and it was good for a few weeks. Then he relapsed and the whole thing started over. I got some counselling and went to a Nar Anon group for support. Having seen abuse before in my family, growing up with it; I was quick to detatch. I went for the absolute minimal approach and only provided the bare needs, while telling him that I love him and asking him to seek help. I of course offered to go with him, if he needed support. He did not.
His mom and gran were on the side of this all along, enabling him Big time. Money, cars and even driving him to/from places!
I pleeded with them to stop, and let me do my thing. They couldn’t.
So, after 3 months of that, I had to let him go. Gave him 3 weeks to make a decision and try to take the help, or leave.
Being diagnosed with ADD, in his last year of school, I was already concerned this could happen to him. This diagnose screams for drugs. And he had shown signs of smoking weed on a regular basis. As he did not live with me at that time, I could only encourage his mom to seek help.
So I ended up with a son who came to my House and went away again in just 3 months. He ended up going back to his mom and is now in treatment.
I truly hope he will succeed.
Was I too tough? Was I not loving enough?
His whole life, I have tried to teach him to take responsability for his own actions. He never has and that hurts me. What hurts me the most in this proces, is that I have learned how little I know him, in reality.
Even with a healthy approach, I sometimes feel disheartened when I think of my kid. It was not an easy choice to let him go.
Still, I think it was the right one.
I know to set clear boundaries for myself, wich has given me great strength thru this.
I read the article on detatchment and it is spot on. And thanks for the term Gaslighting; never knew about it.
Well, after a while I caved and told him to move in with me anyway.
My plan was to show him how to lead a life as an adult before moving on. He even got a contract with T&C and rent.
A week after he moved in, my bedroom was turned upside down, while I was away for the night. And from then on, it only got worse. Lying, stealing and basically making the home feel like chaos. One night, when he woke me by standing in my bedroom, holding the key to a safetybox in my room, I knew he was using. After the second week I told him: treatment or out. Simple enough, right? He got into treatment and it was good for a few weeks. Then he relapsed and the whole thing started over. I got some counselling and went to a Nar Anon group for support. Having seen abuse before in my family, growing up with it; I was quick to detatch. I went for the absolute minimal approach and only provided the bare needs, while telling him that I love him and asking him to seek help. I of course offered to go with him, if he needed support. He did not.
His mom and gran were on the side of this all along, enabling him Big time. Money, cars and even driving him to/from places!
I pleeded with them to stop, and let me do my thing. They couldn’t.
So, after 3 months of that, I had to let him go. Gave him 3 weeks to make a decision and try to take the help, or leave.
Being diagnosed with ADD, in his last year of school, I was already concerned this could happen to him. This diagnose screams for drugs. And he had shown signs of smoking weed on a regular basis. As he did not live with me at that time, I could only encourage his mom to seek help.
So I ended up with a son who came to my House and went away again in just 3 months. He ended up going back to his mom and is now in treatment.
I truly hope he will succeed.
Was I too tough? Was I not loving enough?
His whole life, I have tried to teach him to take responsability for his own actions. He never has and that hurts me. What hurts me the most in this proces, is that I have learned how little I know him, in reality.
Even with a healthy approach, I sometimes feel disheartened when I think of my kid. It was not an easy choice to let him go.
Still, I think it was the right one.
I know to set clear boundaries for myself, wich has given me great strength thru this.
I read the article on detatchment and it is spot on. And thanks for the term Gaslighting; never knew about it.
