I am trying so hard. Hit Al Anon twice last week and Nami once. Tried to stay busy and work on my Recovery. But in the darkness of night, when everyone sleeps and the world is so still, I was restless and not tired and kept seeing my daughter and grandson's pictures all around me. I am one who surrounds myself with hanging photos of those I cherish. With weird, manic energy I walked around at 2am taking down my many pictures of them, trying to replace them with my other kids pictures, even my pets. And I did it. But I am broken. I dont feel like it is safe to be a mother to my two other adult kids. How on earth do I knowt will not get mad and leave? I difnt think this daughter would do it. Anyone can leave. I am afraid to risk my heart. And I feel those who love me is dwindling. I dont yrust anyone to stay except mu hisband. Thats not enough! My husband being a man does not quite understand my lonliness and defeat and need for some version of grandchildren. He nixed the idea of fostering babies or reaching out to a rather troubled teen we know who has two babies. He says she is trouble and she is but my desire for a grandchild in any way means everything to me. So today evolved into a dark day even with the sun out. I feel so alone and like my solutions are being disregarded. I dont know that the emptiness will ever be gone or that I will ever recover. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Its too painful. I am a walking shell of a person. I cant wait for my next Al Anon meeting. I cant think of anything that willl make me feel whole again so I sm.taking a nap to rscape. Trust me at nearly 60 pot has crossed my.mind! That may happen. If it takes the edge off. Wisdom?