toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Hi all,
Well I havent posted in awhile. We had dinner with my son last night. He seems to be doing all right. I believe he is clean and sober (although am fully aware I could be wrong). He has a girlfriend who we have not met yet. He is still in the outpatient program but he seems to be stepping back from their services which is probably not good.
We went up to have dinner with him because I needed to bring him his birth certificate so he can get a new ID. At dinner I tried to have a conversation with him about how I was feeling and how I get triggered when it seems like he is hiding things.... cause that is what he does when he is using. His attitude was well you just have to deal with it and get over that! Huh. He has absolutely no understanding of my feelings nor does he care. In the conversation he said he likes to keep people at arms length because it is safer... I looked at him and said “even your mother?” He said the “the damage is already done”. It is clear to me that he doesnt really want a close relationship with us. He has whatever relationship he has with us because we are helping him out and he needs us. He doesnt want a close relationship even though when he recently got out of jail and went to this program he said he did. I think that was what he was saying and maybe feeling at the time.
Anyway it became clear to me he really doesnt want that. And he is an adult and adults get to choose what kind of relationships they have with their parents, I have had this dream tjhat somehow some day he will pull it together and we will work through our issues and be close. It is time for me to give up that dream. Who knows it may happen some day but in all likelihood it won’t. I cant keep living my life hoping for that. I was lucky enough to have a very close relationship with my mother and that is what I wanted with my children. I do have that with my daughter.... but I dont think I will ever have that with my son.
So it makes me sad.... but today I woke up and thought I need to really step back. I need to stop trying to have something he doesnt seem to want. If he ever wants it he can let me know.
And a part of me is angry..... we do so much to try and help him and he totally takes us for granted. For the moment we will continue to help him financially but I am pulling back emotionally.
TL
Well I havent posted in awhile. We had dinner with my son last night. He seems to be doing all right. I believe he is clean and sober (although am fully aware I could be wrong). He has a girlfriend who we have not met yet. He is still in the outpatient program but he seems to be stepping back from their services which is probably not good.
We went up to have dinner with him because I needed to bring him his birth certificate so he can get a new ID. At dinner I tried to have a conversation with him about how I was feeling and how I get triggered when it seems like he is hiding things.... cause that is what he does when he is using. His attitude was well you just have to deal with it and get over that! Huh. He has absolutely no understanding of my feelings nor does he care. In the conversation he said he likes to keep people at arms length because it is safer... I looked at him and said “even your mother?” He said the “the damage is already done”. It is clear to me that he doesnt really want a close relationship with us. He has whatever relationship he has with us because we are helping him out and he needs us. He doesnt want a close relationship even though when he recently got out of jail and went to this program he said he did. I think that was what he was saying and maybe feeling at the time.
Anyway it became clear to me he really doesnt want that. And he is an adult and adults get to choose what kind of relationships they have with their parents, I have had this dream tjhat somehow some day he will pull it together and we will work through our issues and be close. It is time for me to give up that dream. Who knows it may happen some day but in all likelihood it won’t. I cant keep living my life hoping for that. I was lucky enough to have a very close relationship with my mother and that is what I wanted with my children. I do have that with my daughter.... but I dont think I will ever have that with my son.
So it makes me sad.... but today I woke up and thought I need to really step back. I need to stop trying to have something he doesnt seem to want. If he ever wants it he can let me know.
And a part of me is angry..... we do so much to try and help him and he totally takes us for granted. For the moment we will continue to help him financially but I am pulling back emotionally.
TL