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Adopted adults have more problems....
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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 760129" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Busy, I read yours and Nomad’s posts to my husband; they resonated so much with me. I, too have an adopted child, now 20, who has had problems in school, at home, and is struggling just learning how to live life as a young adult with issues. Some of them were caused by circumstances he had little control over—like his birth mom’s drug (crack) and alcohol abuse when she was pregnant with him which has resulted in some serious brain deficits, but not an intellectual disability per se.</p><p></p><p>Although I have heard he bonded with his birth family at birth and that is probably a good thing (parents were trying to stay clean), he did have some abandonment issues when he came to us (he is my biological nephew). He had been uprooted from two different homes/families, first removed from the birth home at about age 2 and placed with his grandfather, my father, who was in his eighties, and my step-mother, somewhat younger. While living with the birth family, his birth mother was on the streets, in and out of his life, which caused him much anxiety as a toddler. He is still an anxious kid. He suffered neglect. When we got him at nearly 4, he cried everytime I left the house, thinking I wasn’t coming back.</p><p></p><p>On the plus side he has been a loving child, though troubled in many ways. I say loving to a point—during and after puberty he went through a period of tremendous anger, punching holes in walls and doors, jumping out windows and running away. We had to call the police several times. I know many folks on this site can relate! He did not want to follow rules, either ours or the school’s. He began smoking pot and it became his drug of choice. He started shoplifting, spent time in juvenile detention, and got sent to a school for problem kids. He was in residential treatment for suicide ideation when he was about 15. At 18 and still in school, he decided he was ready to live on his own, so he left our home. He has been in two programs in two years for drugs and behavior, both unsuccessful and not taken seriously.</p><p></p><p>He has not been allowed to live in our home since he left but surprisingly, our relationship is good. Needless to say, life has been rough for him for the choices he‘s made. Things are challenging right now but he is finally beginning to understand the role he has played in creating some of his problems. And believe me, he had every kind of therapy, counseling, and support services that you can imagine. Nothing worked. He seemed destined to be just like his birth family.</p><p></p><p>And I too, have other grown children, educated and successful. They had their “moments,” during puberty and young adulthood like a lot of kids growing up, but they were brief and not anywhere near as troublesome as the things my adopted child did.</p><p></p><p>I was aware of some of the issues alcohol/drug exposed kids can suffer. Along with the behavioral issues, there is, as I see it, the very debilitating characteristic of not learning from mistakes, and not understanding cause and effect. Nomad, this is one so many of us can see in our children and it is frustrating! It’s as if a part of the brain is missing.</p><p></p><p>I did a lot of research when my son was younger on different therapies, treatments, etc. I came upon a doctor who is a leading researcher in children exposed to drugs in utero, Ira Chasnoff, and bought two of his books, “The Mystery of Risk, Drugs, Alcohol, Pregnancy, and the Vulnerable Child,” and “The Nature of Nurture.” They are excellent at explaining the different effects that prenatal drug and alcohol exposure can have on our children. </p><p></p><p>At the time (2010) he was about the only doctor who had extensively researched this subject. He may still be, I don’t know. He heads an organization called Children’s Research Triangle at the University of Illinois College of Medicine in Chicago. He actually has a clinic, and I believe there are others around the country where parents and children can receive specialized counseling and services. And they understand our kids! Unfortunately for me, there wasn’t a clinic in my area or I would have definitely pursued it. In addition to books, he has a vast library of audio/video material geared toward parents, teachers and counselors.</p><p></p><p>This book referral probably belongs on one of the other forums that deal with young children, but Busy, since you are interested in the role of genetics vs. nurture and some of the characteristics our exposed children have, I thought I would mention them. I have never read anything that explains it like Dr. Chasnoff does. And with so little information out there on the subject of drug exposed kids, it is encouraging to know that a medical professional or practice understands their brains, which are quite different from those of “typical” kids.</p><p></p><p>Your posts have been very informative, so thank you. Lots of truth to what you’re saying. Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 760129, member: 23742"] Busy, I read yours and Nomad’s posts to my husband; they resonated so much with me. I, too have an adopted child, now 20, who has had problems in school, at home, and is struggling just learning how to live life as a young adult with issues. Some of them were caused by circumstances he had little control over—like his birth mom’s drug (crack) and alcohol abuse when she was pregnant with him which has resulted in some serious brain deficits, but not an intellectual disability per se. Although I have heard he bonded with his birth family at birth and that is probably a good thing (parents were trying to stay clean), he did have some abandonment issues when he came to us (he is my biological nephew). He had been uprooted from two different homes/families, first removed from the birth home at about age 2 and placed with his grandfather, my father, who was in his eighties, and my step-mother, somewhat younger. While living with the birth family, his birth mother was on the streets, in and out of his life, which caused him much anxiety as a toddler. He is still an anxious kid. He suffered neglect. When we got him at nearly 4, he cried everytime I left the house, thinking I wasn’t coming back. On the plus side he has been a loving child, though troubled in many ways. I say loving to a point—during and after puberty he went through a period of tremendous anger, punching holes in walls and doors, jumping out windows and running away. We had to call the police several times. I know many folks on this site can relate! He did not want to follow rules, either ours or the school’s. He began smoking pot and it became his drug of choice. He started shoplifting, spent time in juvenile detention, and got sent to a school for problem kids. He was in residential treatment for suicide ideation when he was about 15. At 18 and still in school, he decided he was ready to live on his own, so he left our home. He has been in two programs in two years for drugs and behavior, both unsuccessful and not taken seriously. He has not been allowed to live in our home since he left but surprisingly, our relationship is good. Needless to say, life has been rough for him for the choices he‘s made. Things are challenging right now but he is finally beginning to understand the role he has played in creating some of his problems. And believe me, he had every kind of therapy, counseling, and support services that you can imagine. Nothing worked. He seemed destined to be just like his birth family. And I too, have other grown children, educated and successful. They had their “moments,” during puberty and young adulthood like a lot of kids growing up, but they were brief and not anywhere near as troublesome as the things my adopted child did. I was aware of some of the issues alcohol/drug exposed kids can suffer. Along with the behavioral issues, there is, as I see it, the very debilitating characteristic of not learning from mistakes, and not understanding cause and effect. Nomad, this is one so many of us can see in our children and it is frustrating! It’s as if a part of the brain is missing. I did a lot of research when my son was younger on different therapies, treatments, etc. I came upon a doctor who is a leading researcher in children exposed to drugs in utero, Ira Chasnoff, and bought two of his books, “The Mystery of Risk, Drugs, Alcohol, Pregnancy, and the Vulnerable Child,” and “The Nature of Nurture.” They are excellent at explaining the different effects that prenatal drug and alcohol exposure can have on our children. At the time (2010) he was about the only doctor who had extensively researched this subject. He may still be, I don’t know. He heads an organization called Children’s Research Triangle at the University of Illinois College of Medicine in Chicago. He actually has a clinic, and I believe there are others around the country where parents and children can receive specialized counseling and services. And they understand our kids! Unfortunately for me, there wasn’t a clinic in my area or I would have definitely pursued it. In addition to books, he has a vast library of audio/video material geared toward parents, teachers and counselors. This book referral probably belongs on one of the other forums that deal with young children, but Busy, since you are interested in the role of genetics vs. nurture and some of the characteristics our exposed children have, I thought I would mention them. I have never read anything that explains it like Dr. Chasnoff does. And with so little information out there on the subject of drug exposed kids, it is encouraging to know that a medical professional or practice understands their brains, which are quite different from those of “typical” kids. Your posts have been very informative, so thank you. Lots of truth to what you’re saying. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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