Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Adoption/Heartstrings
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 761477" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Nomad, never ever forget how hard you tried and how much you loved AND still love her. I am not so smart. </p><p></p><p>Like you, I thought that if you adopted a child and loved him or her to death and treated that beloved child the same way you treated your other kids or, if an only child, as you would treat any child you had given birth to, the results would be good. 1+ 1 would be 2, not 3 or 4 or 5, right? </p><p></p><p>I did not even consider that my child may have little in common with her new family, that she may feel left out no matter how hard we tried to show her she belonged, that her academic skills would not be able to be lifted to at least average (and with our help even better) or that she would mourn her birth family. They were strangers to her. We were her family, right? Haha. She called us by our first names unless she was asking for a favor. When asking for something, she could be so sweet that I would forget how she treated us most of the time. I was played well, far more that my husband was, and Kay almost caused us to divorce. My kids looked on sadly. They both tried to talk to me, but I was not ready to listen to anyone. So my other two nice kids pulled away from me more than Dad. I almost lost everything.</p><p></p><p>If I sound naive, it's becuse I was. Before we adopted, customers from our business who had adopted, with less than great outcomes, gave us subtle warnings but we always nodded "We know it can be a challenge. We are ready. Oh, and we're so sorry your child won't be home for the holidays...."</p><p></p><p>We were not ready to listen to negatives.. And a few people had good outcomes after adopting, and we chose to focus on them, although, in our experience, they were the minority. So we were in shock once the manageable little girl, who had always had some problems, became a troubled teen who could and would hurt us, verbally and physically. </p><p></p><p>Oh, the words stung almost as much as the fact that she either could not or would not thrive in a normal way. Would not work or conform to social norms. Would not or couldn't take care of herself.We tried to keep her off the streets. She hated us for everything we tried to do for her. I'm convinced she is unable to love anyone. I truly hope she finds her birthmother who lives abroad. But I am not sure it will heal her if she does. </p><p></p><p>My biggest fear these days is that she will get pregnant again. She was an uncaring mom and should never have another child. Amy, who has full custody of Jayden, has made it clear that she is done with her family and can not raise any more kids Kay may have. Next time....it would be a CPS case. I have offered to pay for her to tie her tubes or for Lee to get snipped. As far as I know they can still conceive. How sad is it to want your child to not give birth? But I pray she does not every single day.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, Nomad I know you have reached out to me in PM and am just not sure I have the ability to share off forum. It is so hard for me to do even here. It is so hurtful and will always be raw.</p><p></p><p>But I am always here. I check this forum every day. And I always share prayers and love with all and I do get your situation so much. Enjoy Christmas even without her. We are again having Christmas without Kay. Honestly, she used to always cause big scenes on holidays. I just ask God to care for her now. He can. I am too old to do her drama and hate anymore. God, forgive me.</p><p></p><p>Blessings and love. Stay strong. It's hard, I know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 761477, member: 23706"] Nomad, never ever forget how hard you tried and how much you loved AND still love her. I am not so smart. Like you, I thought that if you adopted a child and loved him or her to death and treated that beloved child the same way you treated your other kids or, if an only child, as you would treat any child you had given birth to, the results would be good. 1+ 1 would be 2, not 3 or 4 or 5, right? I did not even consider that my child may have little in common with her new family, that she may feel left out no matter how hard we tried to show her she belonged, that her academic skills would not be able to be lifted to at least average (and with our help even better) or that she would mourn her birth family. They were strangers to her. We were her family, right? Haha. She called us by our first names unless she was asking for a favor. When asking for something, she could be so sweet that I would forget how she treated us most of the time. I was played well, far more that my husband was, and Kay almost caused us to divorce. My kids looked on sadly. They both tried to talk to me, but I was not ready to listen to anyone. So my other two nice kids pulled away from me more than Dad. I almost lost everything. If I sound naive, it's becuse I was. Before we adopted, customers from our business who had adopted, with less than great outcomes, gave us subtle warnings but we always nodded "We know it can be a challenge. We are ready. Oh, and we're so sorry your child won't be home for the holidays...." We were not ready to listen to negatives.. And a few people had good outcomes after adopting, and we chose to focus on them, although, in our experience, they were the minority. So we were in shock once the manageable little girl, who had always had some problems, became a troubled teen who could and would hurt us, verbally and physically. Oh, the words stung almost as much as the fact that she either could not or would not thrive in a normal way. Would not work or conform to social norms. Would not or couldn't take care of herself.We tried to keep her off the streets. She hated us for everything we tried to do for her. I'm convinced she is unable to love anyone. I truly hope she finds her birthmother who lives abroad. But I am not sure it will heal her if she does. My biggest fear these days is that she will get pregnant again. She was an uncaring mom and should never have another child. Amy, who has full custody of Jayden, has made it clear that she is done with her family and can not raise any more kids Kay may have. Next time....it would be a CPS case. I have offered to pay for her to tie her tubes or for Lee to get snipped. As far as I know they can still conceive. How sad is it to want your child to not give birth? But I pray she does not every single day. Anyhow, Nomad I know you have reached out to me in PM and am just not sure I have the ability to share off forum. It is so hard for me to do even here. It is so hurtful and will always be raw. But I am always here. I check this forum every day. And I always share prayers and love with all and I do get your situation so much. Enjoy Christmas even without her. We are again having Christmas without Kay. Honestly, she used to always cause big scenes on holidays. I just ask God to care for her now. He can. I am too old to do her drama and hate anymore. God, forgive me. Blessings and love. Stay strong. It's hard, I know. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Adoption/Heartstrings
Top