Adult daughter so distant

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lifecontinues, Dec 29, 2017.

  1. Lifecontinues

    Lifecontinues New Member

    I have 1 child, an adult daughter, whom I used to have a good relationship with. After my husband/her father died she changed dramatically. She was extremely close to her dad and instead of his death bringing us closer together, it has made things worse.
    I spend a good deal of time staying at their house watching my grandkids. This trip has been the worse. I feel unloved, unwanted and uncared about. She says she appreciates all i do but actions speak louder than words. Every morning I wake up and say ... ok... it’s goong to be a good day, yet sometime that day she manages to make me so sad and answer me so nasty. I can’t talk to her. I’ve tried. I even wrote her a letter so she could maybe see my feelings, and she only picked up and commented in the one minor thing I said. The major things she never said a word about. Help. I don’t want to stop seeing my grandkids, but my daughter is breaking my heart. We can sit in the same room and not say a word. I feel like there’s a chasm between us yet she says it’s fine.
  2. Lifecontinues

    Lifecontinues New Member

    Thanks for the overwhelming response. So much for caring!!!
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am sorry. Many are at work. Give it time.

    I am wondering if Daughter is still grieving her dad. Also, I love my kids and they love me, but I don't think they would want me around all the time or living with them. Something I have thought about...rarely do our adult kids love us as much as we love them. And I sometimes think we need them more than they need us!

    Can you maybe just focus on your grandkids and join perhaps a grief group? I know I will need a grief group AND therapist if I lose hub. I love him so much.

    Others will come along.

    Love and hugs!
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I don't know the ages of your grands...but could you take them to your home and enjoy them there? Or rent a motel room with an indoor pool and let the kids have fun?

    How long do you stay when you visit?

  5. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Maybe she is still grieving or maybe she is trying to avoid it all together. It can be a scary processs, especially facing someone else’s grief. My father died when I was a baby and my mother just 24 years old, I was raised in the shadow of my moms grief and feared her strong emotional pain. She tried hard to avoid it and turned to drinking. Have you two talked much about her father since he passed or is it a topic that you avoid?
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    First I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this post loss difficulty with your daughter. People grieve differently and this process can cause other emotional issues to be blown out of proportion.

    As your daughter is unwilling to address that their is any issue would it be an option for you to seek the support of a grief counsellor or family therapist.
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  7. Lifecontinues

    Lifecontinues New Member

    Thanks to all who replied. I was in an extremely bad place yesterday and apologize for my abruptness.
    I live 1200 miles from her so when I come I stay at their house for a few weeks. I can’t afford a place where she lives. No other option. Don’t think she would go for the hotel idea, but I like it. I feel I need to LYK that her father passed several years ago. Our relationship since then has been mostly ok with a few bumps, but this visit is a roller coaster. And the distance between us has gotten wider. She has never been able to talk much about her dad since he passed, yet I talk of him often. We certainly have grieved differently. I have been in therapy and grief support as was she.
    SomewhereOut there... I believe you are right. Rarely do our adult children love us as much as we love them... or need us as much. This is a me generation, but that is so not the way she was brought up. She just can’t or won’t see how she hurts me. Focusing on my grandkids is what I try to do.
    Thank you all for your input. It has helped just knowing I’m not alone.
  8. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    My oldest is only 19 and still lives at home. I find that the harder I try to connect with him the further I push him away. Not sure why that is but it is just the same so now I’m trying to just work on detaching and hope he comes around. Im trying to work on making myself happy now, I’m signed up to take a pottery class in January and I’m going to start going to al Anon. Hopefully the new year will bring some positive changes for you.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lifecontinues, welcome. I'm so sorry you're going thru this with your daughter. It's heartbreaking when our kids don't share our desire to connect. Perhaps your daughter is still grieving the loss of her Dad in ways she can't articulate or share with you.

    I have one daughter whose been a challenge, so I understand how you feel. Things did not evolve as I believed they would. I've had to adjust to the the reality of what is and accept it. It's not easy.

    While you and your daughter work your way thru this I'd encourage you to put yourself as the priority and focus on your own needs and desires. Find what now brings you joy.

    Keep posting it helps. Get as much support as you can muster. I'm glad you're're not alone.
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  10. Lifecontinues

    Lifecontinues New Member

    I’ve taken some advice from here today. Spent time with the grandkids and then removed myself so I wasn’t available. It’s difficult but necessary. Maybe in time things will change for the better.
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  11. Lifecontinues

    Lifecontinues New Member

    Enmeshed mom... I just reread these posts for the support they’re giving me and one thing popped out in reading yours. My daughter does fear my strong emotional grief, I believe. When he first died she commented- I can’t help you as I can’t even help myself. I think it may be a reason she rarely talks about him. She’s afraid of upsetting me and bringing out the grieving. More insight for me. thank you! I’m trying my best to put me first. It’s hard bcz as mothers we never do.