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Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 549341" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Welcome to the board Payla <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>It's good that you realize you've been enabling your son. It will help you learn to stop the behaviors (and way of thinking) and learn to detach. But it's not an instant thing, it takes time and practice. </p><p></p><p>I have not read other responses as I didn't have time this morning, so forgive me if I repeat anything someone else might have said. </p><p></p><p>First thing you need to convince yourself of is that the choices your son makes are <strong>his </strong>choices, not yours, good or bad. You can't make him do anything, you can't force him to make the right decisions. You can only control yourself and what you will and will not do. Everyone makes bad choices from time to time. It's how we learn and grow as people. When we make a bad choice, we learn from the consequences of that choice. If we don't learn, we're doomed to continuously repeat the same bad choices over and over again. So by stepping in and removing the natural consequences to a bad choice/decision (enabling) you interrupt the natural learning process for your son. This does not mean this is your fault, he is <strong>still</strong>, regardless of whether you enable him or not, responsible for his own behavior. </p><p></p><p>If he is homeless, there are homeless shelters. If he is hungry, there are many different ways to obtain food. Being homeless, worrying about where he might sleep safely, worrying about where that next meal is going to come from, might be the motivator to find work, his own place, to finally grow up and take on the adult role in his own life. You can help by directing him to such places, enabling would be giving him a place to sleep and money for food. (see what I mean?)</p><p></p><p>Detaching and learning not to enable can at times be a fine line to walk. So, like I said, it's a learning process. Learning to set up your own boundaries and stick to them is huge and makes the process easier.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 549341, member: 84"] Welcome to the board Payla :) It's good that you realize you've been enabling your son. It will help you learn to stop the behaviors (and way of thinking) and learn to detach. But it's not an instant thing, it takes time and practice. I have not read other responses as I didn't have time this morning, so forgive me if I repeat anything someone else might have said. First thing you need to convince yourself of is that the choices your son makes are [B]his [/B]choices, not yours, good or bad. You can't make him do anything, you can't force him to make the right decisions. You can only control yourself and what you will and will not do. Everyone makes bad choices from time to time. It's how we learn and grow as people. When we make a bad choice, we learn from the consequences of that choice. If we don't learn, we're doomed to continuously repeat the same bad choices over and over again. So by stepping in and removing the natural consequences to a bad choice/decision (enabling) you interrupt the natural learning process for your son. This does not mean this is your fault, he is [B]still[/B], regardless of whether you enable him or not, responsible for his own behavior. If he is homeless, there are homeless shelters. If he is hungry, there are many different ways to obtain food. Being homeless, worrying about where he might sleep safely, worrying about where that next meal is going to come from, might be the motivator to find work, his own place, to finally grow up and take on the adult role in his own life. You can help by directing him to such places, enabling would be giving him a place to sleep and money for food. (see what I mean?) Detaching and learning not to enable can at times be a fine line to walk. So, like I said, it's a learning process. Learning to set up your own boundaries and stick to them is huge and makes the process easier. I'm glad you found us. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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