Advice for 18yo moving home

[country]

My son is newly 18 and will be graduating HS from BoysTown (residential home out of state). He is in BoysTown because he wasn’t able to live at home any longer due to behaviors: stealing, lying, chaos manufacture. He’s not ready to live independently, but of course he thinks he is. Due to lack of options for him, we agreed to let him move back to our home town and live in a rental that his grandpa currently rents from us until he can get on his feet and figure out his next step (school, other housing option, etc). (I’m looking into social service options and low income housing, but they’re not easy to come by.)


My son is unstable – ADHD/anxiety/depression/likely antisocial diagnosis, smokes weed also. I do not expect this to go well. He knows a contract will be in place and he will be kicked out if he is non-compliant. Fairly certain he doesn’t think I’ll do this, but he hasn’t been here to see me get strong this past year… I will do it.


Does anyone have ideas/experience/lessons learned on how to enter into an agreement like this with their difficult child? I want boundaries and consequences to be crystal clear.


I appreciate any insight.

 

[BusynMember]

Is he going to live with his grandfather? Is that safe?

My best advice is that if you believe in anything bigger than you, give your son over to your higher power. He is 18. If he does wrong, let him learn. Don't rescue him...it does not work. If he won't get on his feet and acts out you may need to put him out on his own, which hurts us often more than them. He is no longer in your control.

But you can control YOU. That is the only person you can control. Try to live a good, loved life no matter how things go with your son. He sounds very difficult and any changes in his attitude are up to him. Stand strong and refuse to let him manipulate you. Or he will. Give him a time line for living on your dime like six months. Stick to it no matter how much he whines, and make it shorter if he abuses you with hurtful words. There are homeless shelters. We did not find accommodations for my 19 year old daughter. She found them and was compliant where she lived. She knew we would not fold although this was the hardest thing we ever did. But she used cocaine and meth. She has not used these for about twelve years now. She is a survivor and we are so proud. She has her own house, a career, a great child, a boyfriend who does not use hard drugs.


My own living on my dime rules were No breaking the law (I won't bail you out of jail or get you a lawyer), no drugs in my home including weed even if it's legal, be respectful to the hand that feeds you or feed yourself (there are food pantries, food cards and soup kitchens) and no abuse to anybody. That includes grandpa and strangers. Or you must leave. There are jobs, even if it is fast food. They pay much better than they used to! They we're where my daughter started out. And she eventually took out a loan for a two year certificate and paid it off. About that daughter.....

I did have to put my daughter out and she straightened out years ago. But she had no antisocial tendencies.i would not let your son use ADHD and depression, both common disorders, to excuse bad behavior or laziness, especially if he refuses treatment. Many people have both and live good lives and comply with treatment. There is no mental illness that causes one to break the law. Except psychosis and your son is not psychotic. I had severe depression and worked. I did also get social security but I always tried to work and never broke the law. I also have learning g disabilities .my parents didn't care about me and everything I did was the hard way and without emotional support until I met my current awesome husband in my late 30s.

Love and light.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Not trying to be a nay sayer but my best advice would be don't. That being said, I know this isn't always an option so the best thing you can do is to set clear boundaries and consequences AND ENFORCE THEM. No slack for a first offense or because there is only a week until his section 8 goes through. That's a song and dance that will never end until YOU stop it. As far as what those boundaries and consequences are, that's entirely up to you. Just make sure to enforce it.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

If this were us, and my DS or YS were in this situation, I would not take them into my home. Not without clear evidence that they have grown, matured, changed and are ready to abide by house rules. At the same time it doesn't sound like that is what you are doing - you mention he is moving back into your hometown and into another place that your grandfather is renting. Will grandfather continue to live there? If SO, I would hesitate before subjecting (what I am assuming is) an older gentleman to a situation that is likely, as you say, not to go well.

But assuming grandfather has found other accommodations and son will be there alone, while it may be "better" than having him under your roof, you will now have to worry about what he will do to the property in addition to the other worries about freeloading, and refusing to meet any of your expectations whatsoever.

Since he is 18 I would treat him like any other tenant under the law. If he really screws up and you have to put him out, you may have to follow a formal, legal, eviction procedure with a judge and the whole nine yards. So if you are determined to do this, I'd make him sign a lease, exactly as if he was a stranger. In that lease, spell out all your expectations. That he will not use drugs on the premises. That he will not cause disturbances with noise, parties, and such. That the place will be clean and orderly. That persons not on the lease cannot stay there longer than a few days. That he cannot sublet the place. That rent is x amount and will be paid on time, and if not, there is a late charge.

I would not let him live there rent-free under any circumstances. Not only does it set him up to fail, as it seems he still retains his irresponsible and self-centered behaviors, it also doesn't teach him how to meet adult responsibility. If necessary, as SOT mentioned, he can work a fast food job. Even my DS who is a high school dropout without a lick of initiative or conscience in his body, and who is heavy into weed, manages to do that much. Charge a rent that is equal to one weeks worth of fast food net wages if you are concerned about him not being able to pay bills.

You can choose to cover utilities if you want to make the early going a little easier for him.

I would also consider making this a month to month lease to start, that way you are covered legally if he needs to go sooner rather than later.

Hope this helps and I don't mean to sound negative, just realistic. Keep us posted.

 

[Copabanana]

We have tried every permutation of this and it has not worked.

It reinforces dependency on us.

It creates the sense we are responsible

It encourages manipulation, dissembling and confrontation.

It teaches them that if they act and look forlorn and damaged it will lead to a reward.

It gives us the sense that we have the right to create conditions and rules for another adult when we really do not.

It creates the wrong idea that we teach, rather than life. Thus leading to resistance. It undermines the real wisdom that needs to come from within, in response to lived experience.

It disempowers both parent and adult child.

It forces the parent to make support conditional....contrary to the human female heart which is to give freely. (Sexism unintended. But I am female.)

It destroys relationships.

It leads to despair.

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion nobody said it better than Copa and she has been there. I would take heed of the warning.

If you still want to house him, I think Pas had good ideas. A lease. Rent. He will have to get a job or SSI that way. Month to month only.

You have to assume he is not a changed person. He could destroy your property.

He should never live with Grandpa or allow a friend to move in with him.
.
Good luck.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Agreed SWOT. Well said Copa. IF you do the lease thing, make sure you know the landlord/tenant laws in your area first. I know Missouri laws tend to HEAVILY favor the tenant over the landlord.

 

[country]

Wow, thank you all so much. In the past 24 hours the landscape has changed significantly...

He is being terminated from the BoysTown program tomorrow. He has been running around campus, evading police and smoking weed the past couple days. Causing a ruckus, again. Our agreement had been "no riff raff" in order to move in at Grandpas. He also knew that if he got terminated from Boys Town, the deal was off and he could not come home... so here we are.

I spent yesterday calling homeless shelters and youth outreach to find a bed for him. Heartbreakingly for multiple reasons, they're all full. I found one bed for a program that sounds awesome for him and he has agreed to apply. Unfortunately, it is 5 hours from us- he desperately wants to be closer to home to regain connection to his siblings and us, but I've told him that is not an option now because of his actions. If he does the program, maintains a job and engages in life and rules for 3 months, he can consider moving back to our home town. Everyone around him is working harder to help him than he is to help himself - and THAT has to change.

He had several allies at BoysTown who truly felt hope and saw the spark in his eye that I do. It is sad to see it end this way for all of us. However, while seeing him walk across the graduation stage once felt like such a victory, right now it seems inconsequential. I only want him to survive. He has no idea how his actions impact those around him. He has no idea what limits are or when enough is enough. I'm praying he gets accepted to this program and can go learn some independence skills and grow up a little.

I so appreciate having a place to come where people "get it" and I'm not judged. I thank you all for your wisdom and your peaceful energy. Blessings to you all.

 

[Copabanana]

Real quick.

What about job corps?

It is free. A federal program. Provides housing and food. Great trainings. Secure. Well supervised. All over the country. They work with problem kids. My kid went.

PS. I think it is a natural consequence that he stay 5 hours from home. His family has not abandoned him. He needs to come to be aware he is abandoning his family (let alone himself) by his behavior, come to see the costs to himself, and choose differently. Over time. He is very youbg. This might take awhile.

This only happens with space. And time.

If everything stays the same, there is no space.

 

[BusynMember]

I am thinking maybe he misses his old friends from the neighborhood too. Sometimes they miss them more than us.

I think Job corps is better than a three month program for a bed and here is why. Three months is not long enough to learn much and then do well in our homes and the truth is....many of our kids never do well at home. They tend to improve, if they do, away from home. Your son doesn't sound like he has to learn how to behave. He knows. He sounds like he has no interest in behavior, doesn't like rules, and will do what he wants to do. Even homeless shelters have rules or you can be thrown out. Our society has rules for everything.

The consequences for those traits are learned more harshly away from us. You are already feeling sorry for him....it is so easy to do this the closer they are.

in my opinion the five hour distance is a plus. The problem is the three months. That is short enough a time to pretend all is well, come home and create chaos.

To me he does not sound like someone who will do well at home. He was so close to being done at Boys Town yet he royally screwed up. Perhaps he was being sneaky and doing wrong things all along.

I hope things start to turn around. You can not forbid him from moving to your home town by the way. He is 18 and he can live in any town he likes. You don't have to let him move into any place you own (it is often hard to get them out with tenant laws) .but if he decides to hang around your town, that is not something you can forbid.

Love and light!

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Country,

Thanks for reaching out to us.

Fairly certain he doesn’t think I’ll do this, but he hasn’t been here to see me get strong this past year… I will do it.

I am glad to hear this!! You will need your strength and to also stick to whatever you decide.

It's not an easy decision to make. First and foremost is the safety of your family.

I speak from experience, I put my son up in a rental house we own quite a few years back. I did this to help him after he was released from prison. All he had to do was get a job and start working on being a responsible part of society. Long story short, it did not happen.

I do not regret trying to help him as I know that I did all I could for him. While my son has come back at me over the years to say "You never helped me" or "You were never there for me", those comments are his own delusion. I know in my heart I did all I could for him. He chose to continue his life down a destructive path.

You can only do what you are comfortable with. There is a very fine line between helping and enabling.

If you do choose to allow him to live the rental house I would make him sign a contract. Be very specific. Of course it's only as good as the paper it's written on but at least he can't come back and say "you never told me I couldn't do A,B,C" One thing I know is a difficult adult child is really good at splitting hairs and spinning their words around until you are dizzy.

Wishing you all the best!!! Make sure you are taking care of YOU!!

 

[Crayola13]

He was so close to graduation. I don't know why he jeopardized that. Does he know he has to finish and finish soon. Does he have any ideas about online school, etc.? Otherwise, he might be 20 before he gets his high school diploma. I would make that requirement #1, and priority#2 would be training for some type of gainful employment. There are many options, even if he thinks college or the military isn't for him.

 

[country]

Thank you, everyone... I'm sorry for my delay in response. It's been a whirlwind of a week. He was given a diploma and earned CNA certification in school. Actually, top of his class in his CNA and aced his boards - the kid has skills he just needs to use them!
He's home for one week. He applied, interviewed and has been accepted at a group home program 5 hours from home. He'll have to work or go to school full time and work with staff on independent living skills - the program sounds truly amazing and it is a miracle there was an open bed.
He realizes he is on his own and that I would not house him after this week. He has accepted that I cannot commit to anything now and that we will take it a day at a time - he was pushing me to commit he could come home in 3 months and has backed off that.
I've put resources in his hands and am encouraging him the best I can - the rest is up to him. I again thank you all for your wisdom, it is invaluable.

 

[country]

He was so close to graduation. I don't know why he jeopardized that. Does he know he has to finish and finish soon. Does he have any ideas about online school, etc.? Otherwise, he might be 20 before he gets his high school diploma. I would make that requirement #1, and priority#2 would be training for some type of gainful employment. There are many options, even if he thinks college or the military isn't for him.

Yes, tragic! A week left! I think he doesn't know when enough really means enough. I also think he lacks any sort of identity. If he is around kids who are doing good things, he will too. If he is around kids doing bad things, he will too. Boys Town's program was excellent, but it's also got a "prison" culture and there is a ton of bad behavior that happens. My son lacks any social skills and has difficulty making friends - he takes whoever accepts him. That right there is his downfall - when other kids are rioting and causing problems, he joins in too. Not in violent ways, as happens there, but he can be a royal pain in the butt and cause plenty of chaos. And he did.
My prayer is that he finds enjoyment in a job and something within himself that allows him some strength to not be a puppet or a follower.