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Advice for feeling like a failure as a parent?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 754487" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Acacia</p><p></p><p>We share a lot in common about our pasts, and how we picked ourselves up by the boot straps. It's hard when we were so damaged in our early lives, when parenting becomes a minefield. My son was a great kid too, who hit a wall when he was about 20. It seemed to wake up in me sleeping dragons.</p><p></p><p>You are a fine mother. Each of us has done the best we could. There are so many other variables at work that influence lives. Nobody has a showpiece life. There are all kinds of problems that kids can have. Even the kids without problems like ours have other stuff going on. They can be self-absorbed and selfish and shallow. They can decide all of a sudden they hate their parents, and drop them like hot potatoes. They can be mean. </p><p></p><p>Your oldest kids stories could change. If they decide to change them. People every day decide to go to AA and NA and other 12 step groups. They find G-d. And they change themselves and their lives 180 degrees. There is no reason your kids can't or won't. But their issues are not because of you. It's what they have fallen into and decided to not climb out of. Their deciding is not within your scope of control. </p><p></p><p>Over your own life, you have chosen well, every step of the way. That's the main event here. You. The kids are in charge of and responsible for their own lives. Your kids, my own, and every other kid that has brought us here.</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others about your youngest. I don't think life is decided during the first couple tries at college. It may be a poor fit. It may be the wrong time. The important thing is the love between you. I agree with the others too that he hid it from you most likely because he wanted to protect you and how you'd feel. He is embarrassed. But I'd keep a close eye, because something else may be going on too. Depression, for one. Drugs, for another. These things happen. </p><p></p><p>I agree with the others. Life happens for young adults. And it doesn't have anything to do with parenting. It's called life.</p><p></p><p>I flunked out of college the first semester. And then when I went back to Berkeley, the only thing that saved me was all the rioting that shut the university down, and they passed all of us because they had to because the campus was closed. I ended up doing okay. Your son will too.</p><p></p><p>As far as the older two, you're in good company. You know our stories too. I am sorry for your pain, Acacia.</p><p></p><p>Please know that your life story is admirable and exemplary, and spiritually uplifting. You have faced down the hardest of trials and you have chosen good, for yourself and for others. I admire you. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 754487, member: 18958"] Dear Acacia We share a lot in common about our pasts, and how we picked ourselves up by the boot straps. It's hard when we were so damaged in our early lives, when parenting becomes a minefield. My son was a great kid too, who hit a wall when he was about 20. It seemed to wake up in me sleeping dragons. You are a fine mother. Each of us has done the best we could. There are so many other variables at work that influence lives. Nobody has a showpiece life. There are all kinds of problems that kids can have. Even the kids without problems like ours have other stuff going on. They can be self-absorbed and selfish and shallow. They can decide all of a sudden they hate their parents, and drop them like hot potatoes. They can be mean. Your oldest kids stories could change. If they decide to change them. People every day decide to go to AA and NA and other 12 step groups. They find G-d. And they change themselves and their lives 180 degrees. There is no reason your kids can't or won't. But their issues are not because of you. It's what they have fallen into and decided to not climb out of. Their deciding is not within your scope of control. Over your own life, you have chosen well, every step of the way. That's the main event here. You. The kids are in charge of and responsible for their own lives. Your kids, my own, and every other kid that has brought us here. I agree with the others about your youngest. I don't think life is decided during the first couple tries at college. It may be a poor fit. It may be the wrong time. The important thing is the love between you. I agree with the others too that he hid it from you most likely because he wanted to protect you and how you'd feel. He is embarrassed. But I'd keep a close eye, because something else may be going on too. Depression, for one. Drugs, for another. These things happen. I agree with the others. Life happens for young adults. And it doesn't have anything to do with parenting. It's called life. I flunked out of college the first semester. And then when I went back to Berkeley, the only thing that saved me was all the rioting that shut the university down, and they passed all of us because they had to because the campus was closed. I ended up doing okay. Your son will too. As far as the older two, you're in good company. You know our stories too. I am sorry for your pain, Acacia. Please know that your life story is admirable and exemplary, and spiritually uplifting. You have faced down the hardest of trials and you have chosen good, for yourself and for others. I admire you. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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