Advice neededšŸ™

Hi all...we seriously need advise!
Our 17 yr old son stays in his own flat because we couldnt live with his behaviour anymore....he came to visit at our home yesterday...he had a nice time alone, while me and hubby and little brother went out with granddad.
At the end of the day he Uber to his own flat....later in evening we found this surprize in our bathroom...he left 2 heavily soiled underwear in the white bucket ( we keep there if he needs to wash anything out).....šŸ˜‘....
He sometimes do still soil his pants ( professionals cant find any cause..)
...when we phoned him he only said sorry, he forgot....but this isnt the first time he does this...he went on and on about we not showing enough love towards him...but I reminded him that its difficult to show love if he disrespects us in this way...my hubby had to wash his underwear yesterday, its horrible. How would you suggest we handle this situation, what would be a suitible consequence, any advice would be appreciated please.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hello Sunshine

What a difficult situation! You say professionals have not found a cause for this. Do you mean a medical or psychological cause?
If medical causation has been ruled out, and he is of normal intelligence, then it seems this is behavioral or mental illness. HasI he been evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist? Does this only happen at home or has it occurred at school or other places?

If he is selectively doing this only at your home, he is either triggered or acting out.

Has he had psychological counseling? How is he doing in school? Socially? Does he have hobbies? When did the behavioral problems begin? Was there a trigger?

What were the behavioral problems that made him leave the house?

Clearly, he can't have the fun of the house if he is misbehaving like this. On the other hand, 17 is still not a legal adult. And more importantly, it sounds as if he needs you emotionally, feels rejected, and wants more closely. It's very difficult when we push away children, even adult children who need us and benefit from our involvement. Even more so if the child is underage.

I suggest a neuropsychological evaluation by a neuropsychologist. This professional would do a battery of tests and an interview to try to identify personality dynamics, cognitive, and emotional factors that may underlie the difficulties your son is having. They may also interview family members. Sometimes there can be family dynamics that one child in the family can give voice to. This is called the identified patient. Often when a child acts out, it's easy for them to be the focal point for emotion and conflict. I know that happened with my own son. A psychologist might be able to help. Good luck.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
How would throwing the soiled underwear away work? Does he do his own laundry at his flat? Or tying them up in a bag and returning them when you see him next,,, I think the returning them. No lectures, just...you left these at our house. Ksm.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I would have thrown them in the trash. Does he have stomach problems and can't get to the bathroom fast enough? Maybe diapers are needed.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
There is a condition called Irritable Bowel Syndrome. There are 3 types. A constipation dominant type, diarrhea dominant typed, and a mixed type where both occur. In this condition, involuntary fecal incontinence may occur when the uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom makes it impossible or difficult to get to a toilet in time. As far as I am aware, no medical test can detect this condition. There are various strategies or treatments that can address this.

I am aware of this condition because I have suffered from it. In my own case, it is stress-related. I have used various interventions and treatments to help myself. One is dietary. I have also used supplements, including dietary fiber. Your son may suffer from this condition.

The thing with your son, however, is you speak to a pattern of unspecified, undesirable, and problematic behaviors. While IBS may be one factor it sounds like there is more to this. He and the family may benefit from an evaluation and counseling.
 
Thanx for the feedback.
My son has been assessed by many...psychological and physical....from the age of 3 yrs old. He has been for intensive psysical assessments regarding the soiling...yes they said it could be overflow constipation...he isnt constipated at all...he refuses to take any medications for constipation, he doesnt want to apply the strategies the dr prescribes...he has been through plenty of psychological assessments...he has above average IQ, he has been with psychologists and psychiatrists from age 3. He has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) , ADD....possible bipolar or even personality disorder...we were in a situation where we didnt have much of a choise....he has terrible outbursts...he stopped using his medications, refuses to take them....he isnt motivated to do stuff if not with insentives...he can stay clean at school and when visiting friends, most of the time...we are willing to accept that he soils, but all we ask is that he cleans his undies, we have put everything in place to help him with that...but then still doesnt really worry about cleaning them...its hard to have a close relationship when not being respected ....
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My deepest caring for this tough situation. These kids break our hearts.

Before you brought it up I thought autism/Asperger's. Whatever it is, there is help if he wants it. I don't know where you live but if he is pooping in his place and unable, for any reason, to care for himself independently, are there group homes around you? He will get evicted from anyplace if he doesn't use the bathroom.

I don't know for sure but I don't think he meant to disrespect you. At his age disrespect usually means talking back or running out to be with friends. I think, and Lord knows I could be wrong, that he may have a neuropsychological problem. Has he ever seen. Neuropsychologists? They are psychologists with extra training in how the brain works. I love them. My experience is that they diagnose well and have good plans for aftercare.

Is your son getting any sort of help? Again nobody here knows what is wrong. Nobody. But we can tell you what worked best for us.

My grandson was just diagnosed with autism, high functioning. He loves to smear the wall with poop and has other delays and doesn't approach other kids the right way.We are trying to get a handle on this early hoping that he will do better as he gets more help.

I don't think it's ever too late to get help. A lot of your sons help requires that he cooperate. So in this way, he can help himself. Or not. My daughter will not. It is very frustrating but we have learned to live good lives even if she won't. But....your son may be willing. He is still a kid. My daughter is in her 30s.....younger is better.

For you and your son I send prayers and love.
 
Last edited:

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
its hard to have a close relationship when not being respected ..
This is the thing that binds all of us together on this forum. Nearly all of us come to this place. We want to have relationships with our children; we want them to treat themselves and us with respect; we want them to want to get better--but our children do not want this for themselves.

We come to the point where, like you, we recognize that the only thing there is, is to draw a boundary. We recognize that until our children want more, they won't try. We recognize that we have become their victims. And so we do the only thing we can. We pull back.

Your son refuses medications. He's unmotivated except for external incentives. Even with support, he chooses to not engage with your minimal and necessary expectations. You know that it is a choice because he can meet adequate standards at school and when visiting friends. It sounds either like he is choosing to disrespect you at your home, or just doesn't care. They're both hard to deal with.

As you have, most of us come to the place where we accept that we are entitled to set limits. More than entitled, we are obligated to do so. But I will speak for myself. I struggle. I am still ambivalent. When I am extremely worried about my son, I still want to bring him home, to try again. He is 32.

I am so sorry you are in this hard, hard situation. Behavioral specialists come into the home and family to observe behavioral patterns and to set up specific reinforcement protocols to deal with situations like this. Since the behavior doesn't happen at school, I am doubtful the IEP would cover it. But maybe because it is medically-related, if referred by the doctor, perhaps insurance would.
 
Thanx for all these words of support and encouragement....yes we are realizing we need to set boundaries...he doesnt see or feel the need for any interventions...we tried for most of his life...we cant force him....its sad to see some one you love choosing unwisely and ignoring and refusing guidance....we are slowly realizing that if he says he wants a better relationship with us...he needs to show or give something from his side also...at least some respect and a willingness to change some behaviour from his side....but thanx for your words of advise....I do think somewhere we as parents need to realize we tried our best, but we also have the right to live our lives and care for ourselves...?
 
Top