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General Parenting
Advice needed: Child with- behavioral issues and living with mom and her boyfriend
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759027" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with Busy but not about the diagnosis. While this child may be on the autism spectrum there are other possibilities as well. Actually, to me, she sounds quite typical in acting out for this age group. Of course, most adolescents don't go so far, but many do. I think a lot of this is a power play. She exerts power in the way that she can. I call these "powers of the weak.." She sabotages, she withholds, she resists.</p><p></p><p>I was involved in a similar situation when I began a new relationship when my son was having problems which ended about 10 years later. My son was already much older, perhaps 19, but the patterns were the same. It never really got better. The only solution was to make distance. My ex hung in there and helped me a lot, including living together with my son apart from me. Because I was the one who was the most reactive and I continue to be.</p><p></p><p>I don't think that my son doomed my relationship. I think it was other things. But I will say that my son defined the relationship. My son was always the central topic. Dealing with him was always a major challenge.</p><p></p><p>I echo what Busy says about a child neuropsychologist for a good diagnosis, and to establish a team of support. You will find this at a regional children's hospital in their child development center. The team will include the neuropsychologist, a child psychiatrist, and a social worker, at minimum.</p><p></p><p>And I agree with Ksm about exploring and being open to the possibilities of traumatic experience, or other hurtful and harmful influences. You don't speak of this child's father. Was there a divorce? What is the status of her relationship with her father? Does she see him? Does she resent your presence, instead of her Dad's? As a child, I had a stepfather and I longed for my real father, who in effect had abandoned us. Maybe this child is harboring a deep sadness about her situation and this has really nothing to do with you, except that you are there.</p><p></p><p>This child may need to talk. A good therapist can deal with silence as long as need be. It's no big deal that a child doesn't speak for a while. Another option is art therapy. And another option is equine-assisted therapy. Often there are clinics that are free or sliding scale. I believe in sports, if she is interested, especially the softer martial arts, like Capoiera or even Brazilian jiu jitsu. Really, I do. The mestres or teachers often have a profound influence on children like this girl.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say is that there are many ways to support this child, but you are deserving of support and respect, too. You are the one who has to insist on this for yourself. I would not accept less. You deserve care too.</p><p></p><p>Finally, there are "family systems" therapists, that work on the entire family unit, rather than one identified patient. Right now this girl is the identified patient, which means she is the carrier and she is acting out all of the distress and problems of a larger system, the whole family/household unit. Just as it is not fair that you be disrespected, it's not fair that she be in the role as the wrong, bad or sick one, when she may giving voice to a far broader issue. If this is the case, she needs to be listened to and responded to, and her voice respected. That way the whole family can heal.</p><p></p><p>I think by zeroing in on a serious diagnosis for her, as the only approach might foreclose this kind of healing. Although I also agree with Busy and Ksm that all options for evaluation and understanding need to be on the table.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you came to us. I hope you keep posting. It helps.</p><p></p><p>I will say one more thing. You are not a lesser person in this family and household. You should not be boycotted. You should not be scapegoated.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759027, member: 18958"] I agree with Busy but not about the diagnosis. While this child may be on the autism spectrum there are other possibilities as well. Actually, to me, she sounds quite typical in acting out for this age group. Of course, most adolescents don't go so far, but many do. I think a lot of this is a power play. She exerts power in the way that she can. I call these "powers of the weak.." She sabotages, she withholds, she resists. I was involved in a similar situation when I began a new relationship when my son was having problems which ended about 10 years later. My son was already much older, perhaps 19, but the patterns were the same. It never really got better. The only solution was to make distance. My ex hung in there and helped me a lot, including living together with my son apart from me. Because I was the one who was the most reactive and I continue to be. I don't think that my son doomed my relationship. I think it was other things. But I will say that my son defined the relationship. My son was always the central topic. Dealing with him was always a major challenge. I echo what Busy says about a child neuropsychologist for a good diagnosis, and to establish a team of support. You will find this at a regional children's hospital in their child development center. The team will include the neuropsychologist, a child psychiatrist, and a social worker, at minimum. And I agree with Ksm about exploring and being open to the possibilities of traumatic experience, or other hurtful and harmful influences. You don't speak of this child's father. Was there a divorce? What is the status of her relationship with her father? Does she see him? Does she resent your presence, instead of her Dad's? As a child, I had a stepfather and I longed for my real father, who in effect had abandoned us. Maybe this child is harboring a deep sadness about her situation and this has really nothing to do with you, except that you are there. This child may need to talk. A good therapist can deal with silence as long as need be. It's no big deal that a child doesn't speak for a while. Another option is art therapy. And another option is equine-assisted therapy. Often there are clinics that are free or sliding scale. I believe in sports, if she is interested, especially the softer martial arts, like Capoiera or even Brazilian jiu jitsu. Really, I do. The mestres or teachers often have a profound influence on children like this girl. What I am trying to say is that there are many ways to support this child, but you are deserving of support and respect, too. You are the one who has to insist on this for yourself. I would not accept less. You deserve care too. Finally, there are "family systems" therapists, that work on the entire family unit, rather than one identified patient. Right now this girl is the identified patient, which means she is the carrier and she is acting out all of the distress and problems of a larger system, the whole family/household unit. Just as it is not fair that you be disrespected, it's not fair that she be in the role as the wrong, bad or sick one, when she may giving voice to a far broader issue. If this is the case, she needs to be listened to and responded to, and her voice respected. That way the whole family can heal. I think by zeroing in on a serious diagnosis for her, as the only approach might foreclose this kind of healing. Although I also agree with Busy and Ksm that all options for evaluation and understanding need to be on the table. I am glad you came to us. I hope you keep posting. It helps. I will say one more thing. You are not a lesser person in this family and household. You should not be boycotted. You should not be scapegoated. [/QUOTE]
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Advice needed: Child with- behavioral issues and living with mom and her boyfriend
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