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Advice needed: Child with- behavioral issues and living with mom and her boyfriend
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 759220" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I have a few different thoughts. So this might be long. </p><p></p><p>As you are her mother's partner, you need to step way back from any sort of discipline, punishment or consequences. I know it is hard, but having you do any of that will make her resent you even more. She probably has a lot of anger and no idea what to do with it other than be horrible and rude. This is sort of normal for some preteens. It usually gets worse with the teen years. I had good luck with Parenting with Love and Logic by Fay and Cline. Also, encourage her mother to do things with her and without you. She may very well feel as though she is losing her mother. </p><p></p><p>As for her being in her room all the time, that could indicate sensory integration/processing problems. Even if she likes being social, she may also really NEED that time alone. Sensory Integration Disorder is when your brain doesn't process input from the nerves in the typical way. You will have VERY strong preferences if you have this. You may refuse to eat certain foods, or need your food not to touch or mix with other types of food. You may really need to be alone and quiet, especially if you are overstimulated by noise. You can become visually overstimulated in some settings or even some types of lights. You might only be able to tolerate slow movements, or you might need certain types of movements and positions and pressures. Some sounds or volumes might be intolerable, or you might really need those sounds or volumes. The feel of certain fabrics or textures might draw or repel you. This can be very difficult to handle. </p><p></p><p>I didn't know what this was until my oldest was 13. I have Sensory Integration Disorder. I simply cannot eat certain foods. They literally will make me vomit. I am the pickiest eater most people have ever seen. Lots of bright lights or flashing lights, and the sun are actually painful for me. Certain pitches are very difficult for me. Loud noises are something I avoid like the plague. It honestly feels like the entire world is assaulting me sometimes. Every single sense can be terribly raw. Sometimes after a particularly difficult day at school, a day when it felt like the universe was attacking me through every one of my senses, I would have to spend a few hours in the back of my closet in the dark. If someone needed to talk with me about something, I often reacted with a lot of anger and frustration. I just was completely out of the ability to cope with anything. I still run out of the ability to cope if I get overstimulated. I have to be careful where I go and what I do. </p><p></p><p>There are ways to help with sensory issues. First is to have an Occupational Therapist evaluate her for sensory issues. They can help guide you to the types of sensory input that she needs, and tell you what some sensory inputs that are not good for her. </p><p></p><p>Second is the sensory diet. This means providing the sensory input that she needs. And helping her avoid the sensory input she does not need. This will help keep her from getting overwhelmed. When my youngest was in pre-K, he could not handle a full week at school. He only attended about half the time that year. He was so overstimulated by school that 3 days a week was the most he could tolerate. My oldest son could handle a full week of school, but no more than one on the way home trip a week. If that trip was to the grocery store, the park, a team practice or something else, he often could not behave appropriately on the 2nd trip. Even if the second trip was something he had been looking forward to for weeks, it always ended up with a child who is unable to cope and acts out of anger and frustration. Both of my sons need to be left completely alone after they are overstimulated. I am the same way. Managing the sensory diet can make a BIG difference. </p><p></p><p>Third is brushing therapy, also called Wilbarger therapy. You use a soft surgical scrub brush over your child's body in a specific order. Then you go to her joints and compress them in a certain order. You need to be taught the technique by an Occupational Therapist because if you brush certain parts of the body, you can cause real problems. I do not know if your daughter would be considered too old for this. Our Occupational Therapist was sure that over the age of 12, brushing would not help. As long as we did the routine we were taught, it wouldn't hurt either. I had a child over age 12 and I was WAY over age 12 at this time. I found that brushing my son did help him cope. I also found it was extremely helpful. If you want to learn more about Sensory Integration Disorder, read The Out Of Sync Child by Kranowitz. </p><p></p><p>A common pattern in kids is to use all the energy they have to deal with the school day. When they get home, they are just out of resources to cope with anything. And they often lash out hardest at the one they trust the most. Your partner's daughter might want to be social, but it also could take all the energy she has. She comes home, has no ability to cope, and she is rude to her mother. She might say mean things. This is because she trusts her mother to always love her. But it still isn't fun for her mother (or anyone else). </p><p></p><p>She might have autism spectrum disorder. Girls do not present in the "classic" way. Girls are also better mimics. I know as a kid that I often had no clue why my classmates wanted to do some things, but I did them because it seemed like what I was supposed to do. Playing with dolls never made sense to me. I was completely confused about how dolls of any kind were fun. But I went so far as to save up for dolls periodically. I thought I was supposed to do that. Many women grow to be adults without realizing that they are somewhere on the autism spectrum. </p><p></p><p>Clearly she is unhappy that you are in the house. She may not like you, or she may be jealous that her mom is spending so much time with you. She might even be afraid that if she starts to care about you, that you will leave too. If you can support her mom, but let her mom be the disciplinarian. She has had a lot of changes in the last few years. 3 years is 10 percent of your life if you are 30, but 3 years is over 1/4 of your life if you are 11. It is going to take time for her to adjust.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 759220, member: 1233"] I have a few different thoughts. So this might be long. As you are her mother's partner, you need to step way back from any sort of discipline, punishment or consequences. I know it is hard, but having you do any of that will make her resent you even more. She probably has a lot of anger and no idea what to do with it other than be horrible and rude. This is sort of normal for some preteens. It usually gets worse with the teen years. I had good luck with Parenting with Love and Logic by Fay and Cline. Also, encourage her mother to do things with her and without you. She may very well feel as though she is losing her mother. As for her being in her room all the time, that could indicate sensory integration/processing problems. Even if she likes being social, she may also really NEED that time alone. Sensory Integration Disorder is when your brain doesn't process input from the nerves in the typical way. You will have VERY strong preferences if you have this. You may refuse to eat certain foods, or need your food not to touch or mix with other types of food. You may really need to be alone and quiet, especially if you are overstimulated by noise. You can become visually overstimulated in some settings or even some types of lights. You might only be able to tolerate slow movements, or you might need certain types of movements and positions and pressures. Some sounds or volumes might be intolerable, or you might really need those sounds or volumes. The feel of certain fabrics or textures might draw or repel you. This can be very difficult to handle. I didn't know what this was until my oldest was 13. I have Sensory Integration Disorder. I simply cannot eat certain foods. They literally will make me vomit. I am the pickiest eater most people have ever seen. Lots of bright lights or flashing lights, and the sun are actually painful for me. Certain pitches are very difficult for me. Loud noises are something I avoid like the plague. It honestly feels like the entire world is assaulting me sometimes. Every single sense can be terribly raw. Sometimes after a particularly difficult day at school, a day when it felt like the universe was attacking me through every one of my senses, I would have to spend a few hours in the back of my closet in the dark. If someone needed to talk with me about something, I often reacted with a lot of anger and frustration. I just was completely out of the ability to cope with anything. I still run out of the ability to cope if I get overstimulated. I have to be careful where I go and what I do. There are ways to help with sensory issues. First is to have an Occupational Therapist evaluate her for sensory issues. They can help guide you to the types of sensory input that she needs, and tell you what some sensory inputs that are not good for her. Second is the sensory diet. This means providing the sensory input that she needs. And helping her avoid the sensory input she does not need. This will help keep her from getting overwhelmed. When my youngest was in pre-K, he could not handle a full week at school. He only attended about half the time that year. He was so overstimulated by school that 3 days a week was the most he could tolerate. My oldest son could handle a full week of school, but no more than one on the way home trip a week. If that trip was to the grocery store, the park, a team practice or something else, he often could not behave appropriately on the 2nd trip. Even if the second trip was something he had been looking forward to for weeks, it always ended up with a child who is unable to cope and acts out of anger and frustration. Both of my sons need to be left completely alone after they are overstimulated. I am the same way. Managing the sensory diet can make a BIG difference. Third is brushing therapy, also called Wilbarger therapy. You use a soft surgical scrub brush over your child's body in a specific order. Then you go to her joints and compress them in a certain order. You need to be taught the technique by an Occupational Therapist because if you brush certain parts of the body, you can cause real problems. I do not know if your daughter would be considered too old for this. Our Occupational Therapist was sure that over the age of 12, brushing would not help. As long as we did the routine we were taught, it wouldn't hurt either. I had a child over age 12 and I was WAY over age 12 at this time. I found that brushing my son did help him cope. I also found it was extremely helpful. If you want to learn more about Sensory Integration Disorder, read The Out Of Sync Child by Kranowitz. A common pattern in kids is to use all the energy they have to deal with the school day. When they get home, they are just out of resources to cope with anything. And they often lash out hardest at the one they trust the most. Your partner's daughter might want to be social, but it also could take all the energy she has. She comes home, has no ability to cope, and she is rude to her mother. She might say mean things. This is because she trusts her mother to always love her. But it still isn't fun for her mother (or anyone else). She might have autism spectrum disorder. Girls do not present in the "classic" way. Girls are also better mimics. I know as a kid that I often had no clue why my classmates wanted to do some things, but I did them because it seemed like what I was supposed to do. Playing with dolls never made sense to me. I was completely confused about how dolls of any kind were fun. But I went so far as to save up for dolls periodically. I thought I was supposed to do that. Many women grow to be adults without realizing that they are somewhere on the autism spectrum. Clearly she is unhappy that you are in the house. She may not like you, or she may be jealous that her mom is spending so much time with you. She might even be afraid that if she starts to care about you, that you will leave too. If you can support her mom, but let her mom be the disciplinarian. She has had a lot of changes in the last few years. 3 years is 10 percent of your life if you are 30, but 3 years is over 1/4 of your life if you are 11. It is going to take time for her to adjust. [/QUOTE]
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