Almost made it through another.

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
I'm new here and definitely need advise and encouragement. Will be leaving for home once my daughter allows me to. How bad is that ?How bad am I allowing her control of me? I do it for grandkids but is that even healthy for them to see? I can't let go or my daughter and 3 grandkids 10, 7 and 5 will be homeless. I pay for everything for them, apartment, utilities, groceries etc. I can't afford it much longer. How do I cope and how can I make it all better?
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Hi and welcome, Overwhelmed

You said that you can’t afford to support them much longer, so the decision will be out of your hands, soon, anyway. I hope you haven’t spent your retirement! Don’t do that!

Your daughter is likely eligible for emergency housing, low-income housing (section 8) utility assistance, food stamps, free Christmas gifts, healthcare, etc. from the government, the utility companies, churches, food banks, and various charitable organizations.

Give her some phone numbers and let her stand on her own two feet.
She will only learn to take care of herself when you stop doing everything for her. Right now she has no incentive to do anything for herself because it is easier to have you do it. She will never even try as long as you take over responsibility for her life.

You will likely be surprised at how well she does, once you stop the gravy train.

Yes, she will probably scream at you, call you names, threaten you, tell you how she will be homeless, etc, and it is all your fault, if you don’t keep giving her money. Don’t listen to the abuse. You aren’t responsible for her choices, nor are you obligated to support her.

I hope you will stay here with us and learn how to let go and learn to take care of yourself and your needs.


No, this situation is not healthy for you, your grandkids, or your daughter. You need to stop allowing yourself to be abused.

You cope by taking care of yourself and letting others take care of themselves, also.

Apple
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Thank you Apple. I know what I am doing is wrong but my guilt and fear take over. How can I live so well while my grandkids are going through what they have to because of their mother. And you are correct, I have drained by savings and 401K. I fight myself constantly.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You got really good advice. Unless you are as rich as Oprah (first person I thought of who has serious money) the party will end for your daughter. There is no way on Earth for you to make it all better. I wish there were, for the sakes of all the mothers here!!!

You will have no choice but to stop and you may end up homeless yourself at your age and have to do what she will have to do in order to stay afloat.
I am assuming your daughter probably has a drug problem and/or mental illness. Excessive, daily pot use is addiction. Doesn't sound like she works much.

If your daughter is an unfit mother you can talk to a lawyer and attempt to get custody. You could then receive monetary benefits for raising your grands. If you don't want to go to court against your daughter then AppliCori explained what your daughter will need to do to survive.

I have two daughters. Kay has always been a problem and is a pot addict at the very least. She is married to a horrible man. I have another daughter Amy who is the opposite. Lee and Kay are homeless. We stopped giving money. We were running out and she was awful to us as well. Kay has a son. Amy has guardianship of him now. Kay lives on the streets of California in an old camper so Lee and Kay allowed Amy to raise their son "until it's better."

But Amy is going to go for custody. She has a lawyer. Kay does not suspect.

We do what we feel we must. And we do what is possible. We can not save adults, even our children.

If drugs is an issue I strongly suggest Al Anon. My husband and I both go every week. We also see a therapist which also helps. in my opinion this us too hard to do alone. Are you getting help? Be kind to YOU. You deserve it. You are a good person. If God is in your life, try giving your daughter to God. My husband and I did. We couldn't help Kay, but God can if she is willing to hear Him.

I wish you the best. Blessings and be well.
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
You got really good advice. Unless you are as rich as Oprah (first person I thought of who has serious money) the party will end for your daughter. There is no way on Earth for you to make it all better. I wish there were, for the sakes of all the mothers here!!!

You will have no choice but to stop and you may end up homeless yourself at your age and have to do what she will have to do in order to stay afloat.
I am assuming your daughter probably has a drug problem and/or mental illness. Excessive, daily pot use is addiction. Doesn't sound like she works much.

If your daughter is an unfit mother you can talk to a lawyer and attempt to get custody. You could then receive monetary benefits for raising your grands. If you don't want to go to court against your daughter then AppliCori explained what your daughter will need to do to survive.

I have two daughters. Kay has always been a problem and is a pot addict at the very least. She is married to a horrible man. I have another daughter Amy who is the opposite. Lee and Kay are homeless. We stopped giving money. We were running out and she was awful to us as well. Kay has a son. Amy has guardianship of him now. Kay lives on the streets of California in an old camper so Lee and Kay allowed Amy to raise their son "until it's better."

But Amy is going to go for custody. She has a lawyer. Kay does not suspect.

We do what we feel we must. And we do what is possible. We can not save adults, even our children.

If drugs is an issue I strongly suggest Al Anon. My husband and I both go every week. We also see a therapist which also helps. in my opinion this us too hard to do alone. Are you getting help? Be kind to YOU. You deserve it. You are a good person. If God is in your life, try giving your daughter to God. My husband and I did. We couldn't help Kay, but God can if she is willing to hear Him.

I wish you the best. Blessings and be well.
My daughter is either listening to Christian channels or to narcissistic parents on the web. She believes I am a narcissist. Her life is my fault. She was I. An abusive marriage and ran with the kids. She has walked out of my life numerous times and it would be months even years before I hear from her. She and the kids have lived in shelters or whoever would take them in. She would never allow me to raise the kids. She would run.
I so appreciate your help and support ❤
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
I agree with the others. How are you going to help anyone if you give them all your money. There is a national number 211 that can tell you what help is available in your area if you are in the US. Is there any possibility of help from the father or his family? You need to take care of yourself and devote your money to yourself. My son is 37 currently in jail and has nowhere to go when he is out. I have used a large sum of my retirement and my credit cards to help him. I wont do it anymore i will give what i choose but no rent no vehicles . Dont get me wrong it's not easy and sometimes I feel guilty and then i think about how 1 sided it all is. Or i think aboutwhat he has done (or not done) with the opportunities i and others have given him. I think about how his YOUNGER brothers are and have been independent. Then i realize that this will not end until i end it and make him learn to be independent. The same is true for your daughter. The hard part is your grandchildren. Maybe you could help with babysitting or get groceries if it eases your mind. Please take care of yourself and give your daughter information not money.
 

WiseChoices

Well-Known Member
My daughter is either listening to Christian channels or to narcissistic parents on the web. She believes I am a narcissist. Her life is my fault. She was I. An abusive marriage and ran with the kids. She has walked out of my life numerous times and it would be months even years before I hear from her. She and the kids have lived in shelters or whoever would take them in. She would never allow me to raise the kids. She would run.
I so appreciate your help and support ❤
Calling your mother a narcissist is a classic out of the playbook of narcissistic adult children who wish to induce guilt in their parents to keep them engaged in enabling them . Don't fall for it! Only you get to define yourself . Your daughter and everyone is allowed their opinion, but you don't have to accept it as your truth.

Since every adult is responsible for themselves and their own well-being, you can start by checking in with yourself to see how well you are caring for yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Caring for yourself in all of these areas is the best thing you can do for your daughter and grandchildren because you are modeling what healthy adults do.

Depleting your retirement money for someone else , even someone as close as your own child, is to your own detriment and helps nobody in the long run, because once the money runs out, you all will be homeless: 3 generations.
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
I have been sitting in my chair all day feeling doom and scared. I don't know if I have the strength any more. I feel weak, like a failure, terribly unhappy with my life and really useless. I will probably go to bed and sleep the rest of the day and night so I don't feel all of this. That's is the only peace I get. I am glad I found this site. I did so the other day while my daughter was having me listen to a person discuss narcissistic parents. I love them all so much and just don't understand how I got here.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Overwhelmed,

I am glad you found us. This site really helps find peace, support and resources for you.

I can tell that you love your daughter and your grands a great deal. I think you might consider who will take care of them when you are gone.

She will need the tools of survival, you may be doing her a favor to let it be her problems, with her solutions. I know it is easier said then done. Her lifestyle and poor choices don't have to be your burden.

If she has stayed in shelters then she is aware of resources. Take care of you. What would it be like to wake up and live for you, in the present?

Perhaps turn your phone off for the day, clean out a closet, run errands, exercise, take a hot bath, read a book or anything to keep your mind busy.

I'm praying for you to detach with love. There is a great article on detachment here.

I too, had to let go this week. It was hard to pry the situation out of my clinched fists, but, I made it. I cleaned out two closets, sold some stuff online, drank an extra cup of coffee and prayed. I took a nap and felt very peaceful for once in a very long time.

I read a book about 30 years ago on codependency. Its title is 'codependency no more' by Melodie Beatty. It REALLY helped me untangle myself from other people's problems. I've probably read it 7 times since I was in my twenties until now.

Hope this helps,

Jmom
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Nobody understands. And it doesn't really matter why in my opinion. What matters is THAT we are here.

Those of us doing a little better have become determined to do better. It's hard work, just like we expect from our kids. How can we expect our kids to pull together, quit drugs, get jobs for the first time ever, and regroup when WE can't recover and function because of them? Are we doing any better when WE fall apart because of them? Are we not doing almost exactly what they do?

I was there.

I refused to even try to get Kay out of my mind and I had horrifying stories in my head about her death, which I predicted. I refused to listen to any well meaning advice and and refused therapy and Al Anon.

My attitude was "I don't want to talk about my daughter to strangers plus they don't know me. I don't trust anyone. I had a very bad experience with a therapist. "(I did in college and stupidly thought that this meant that all therapists were useless.) I also thought "Al Anon. Are you kidding? Talking to total strangers in real time about my failure as a parent? Betraying Kay's trust?" And of course the ever popular "We have a thriving business, a warm house and fresh cooked food. How can I ever allow Kay to suffer? I would choke eating a good meal if she has to get an icky free meal. i can't. I am Mom. I will NEVER give up on my child, even if it kills me. And I refuse to work on enjoying myself when my daughter is miserable. No. i will go to work because I must, but after work I will go to sleep, not talk to anyone and forget."

The fact that sleeping to forget is really no different than smoking pot to forget.... I actually thought about it, but I slept. And slept. And almost lost my husband and two other kids and all my friends.

My husband was actually the one who pushed me, although I didn't want to listen to him. But he left me and I met a potential new woman and I realized how much I I loved him. He gave me an ultimatum....he wanted a wife again. I could try by going with him to therapy and Al Anon and push myself to function again or he could not stay. He needed companionship and had started gyetting past Kay by going to a therapist and Al Anon and living again. He begged me to do the same. With tears. I did although I felt pretty hopeless. I did not think it would help me. But I faked it till I made it.

It worked! Eventually it worked great!

I now spend a great deal of my time doing better, like I wish Kay would do. She hasn't done better but I am engaged in life again and pretty happy with my life in spite of Kay.

Our kids and ourselves are only going to live as well as we are determined to live. We KNOW they can do better. Well, so can every eon of us do better and, yes, WE CAN. We don't have to isolate, sleep (like me...went on for about a year), wallow in self pity, make up stories that scare us, and refuse to get professional help that may frighten us at first. We can at least TRY. We want THEM to try. We can at least set an example even if they don't follow it. Kay did not but *I* am almost back to myself. And it was hard. I didn't just do it. I worked my tail off. And you can too.

It's exhausting but it is worth it. I say don't ruin your lives for anyone, even your beloved kids. If they were in their right minds, do you think they would want us to suffer? Even if they don't care, our other loved ones care. WE should care. We matter. Our other loved ones matter too.

Phew. i don't know where that came from. Wow. I guess I needed to vent my feelings and share my rocky, hard, and victorious story. The sleeping days, the isolating days, the constant lump in my throat, the miserable life life is done. Forever. I survived the death of a child. I survived Kay. I am a survivor. So are you. All of you. You can do better than you are doing.

With all that, please....try harder, do better. Show our kids....we can.

God bless everyone!
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
First, I want to thank everyone for responding and caring about me. I want to do this without the guilt. Maybe I should be mad at me. Let anger of what I have let go on steer me to a better place. Can I ask something? Do you think the grandkids will understand and know I love them?
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
First, I want to thank everyone for responding and caring about me. I want to do this without the guilt. Maybe I should be mad at me. Let anger of what I have let go on steer me to a better place. Can I ask something? Do you think the grandkids will understand and know I love them?
Welcome Overwhelmed. You will find support here. I have read everything I can get my hands on. (Books are in my signature line). I got the basics, but applying the boundaries, dealing with unwarranted fear and guilt is something I have learned from all those who share their stories here. I too gave my Difficult Child thousands upon thousands of dollars. Each time I thought I was helping her. I have learned she is a master manipulator, but she can't see that. She is very sick mentally, but everything is because of me. The point is, I have been there. I have been at the bottom. I quit giving money when I finally realized none of it was going for what I thought it was. Absolutely nothing has changed for her. In other words, all that money, all those nights on the phone with her leaving my husband to go to gatherings alone, NONE of it helped. It comes down to accepting that the only thing we can change is us!

I recently called around Vegas (we do not live in her state) and found a plethora of information. I talked with people that helped me! Knowing I have the resources should she ever reach out has brought me some peace. I am wishing the same for you.

Read the article posted on the Parents Emeritus forum on detachment. I have it on my phone, a hard copy next to my chair. I review it for periodic maintenance. I give a star to the points I am doing better at achieving and a question mark on those to work on. It's my way of taking baby steps, as I am older and have memory issues.

Wishing you light and peace.
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Thank you. I will read this as well as other books I have been told about. I'm so thankful I found all of you. This gives me a place to look forward to visiting and reading positive and kind words. Something I have missed for a long, long time. Can't thank you all enough.
Peace and Love!!
 

Acacia

Active Member
How can I live so well while my grandkids are going through what they have to because of their mother.
What I have learned is that my suffering will not alleviate anyone else's. You deserve to live well because you have worked had for it. If your daughter did not use the grandchildren against you, then I am sure you would be an integral and positive force in their lives. You can pray that that you will be reconnected with them, but in the meantime the best you can do is to model how one should live.

Ask yourself this: has the money, time, things, and efforts directed to your daughter changed things for the better? If your situation is like mine, except for momentarily, it has not. It doesn't mean you haven't tried, but changing your daughter is out of your hands, and allowing her to treat you badly is bad for you and for your grandchildren.

Glad you have found a place to get support from caring people here.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Overwhelmed,

I think the grands can see what is happening and know you care because you have shown them and told them. Kids are resilient.

My nephew (my alcoholic brother kid) told me once that he cut me out of his life because it was easier to cut ties with our whole family. He was determined to get his dad out of his life because my brother was toxic. He wanted me to know that he knew I loved him and he loved me, he just needed to make a clean break.

My brother is 50 now, still an alcoholic, still a stranger to his kids. I keep my nephew on my Facebook page and occasionally get messages from him. He seems well adjusted. I let him know I am proud of him for putting himself 1st. I am learning the same now.

Your grands know.

Love,
Jmom
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Not only have I met wise people here, I have found new acquaintances I can talk too and pray for. I am very grateful for all of you and hope together we can get through this generational mess that so many parents of middle aged children are going through.
Peace and Love
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Overwhelmed,

I think the grands can see what is happening and know you care because you have shown them and told them. Kids are resilient.

My nephew (my alcoholic brother kid) told me once that he cut me out of his life because it was easier to cut ties with our whole family. He was determined to get his dad out of his life because my brother was toxic. He wanted me to know that he knew I loved him and he loved me, he just needed to make a clean break.

My brother is 50 now, still an alcoholic, still a stranger to his kids. I keep my nephew on my Facebook page and occasionally get messages from him. He seems well adjusted. I let him know I am proud of him for putting himself 1st. I am learning the same now.

Your grands know.

Love,
Jmom
Thank you Jmom. I appreciate you.
Peace and Love
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Overwhelmed, as you can already tell, you have received invaluable support from those who have taken back their lives in these un-explainable trying times. I read here often, post infrequently. I'm not nearly as articulate as some of the people here but have gained so much from reading. I can't count the times someone has written something I have resonated with but have not been able to put into words until I read it here.

I feel weak, like a failure, terribly unhappy with my life and really useless. I will probably go to bed and sleep the rest of the day and night so I don't feel all of this.
I've felt the same, and done the same, but feelings are not reality, they are our feelings, based on how we judge ourselves.

I did so the other day while my daughter was having me listen to a person discuss narcissistic parents.
My son sends me email links to listen to on narcissistic parents. Have you noticed these descriptions fit your daughter, and not you? How are you a narcissist? Your daughter is gaining from you doing all of the doing. Narcissists do not do for others, they manipulate others, who have a conscience, unlike them, to do for them. It could be she is an actual narcissist, it could be she is mentally ill and displaying narcissistic qualities, could be she has some addiction which causes her behaviors and thinking patterns. Could be she operates over her head and you are her easiest target to rescue her, whatever. But you worrying about her and her children, who she is responsible for, with her draining your resources is you being the opposite of a narcissist. The opposite could be someone who is codependent. I am a recovering codependent. I think Blindsided suggested Al-anon, it's great for codependent's if it sounds right for you. It works for someone dealing with substance abuse or not, it's all about the the behaviors you encounter and how to deal with them.

I want to do this without the guilt. Maybe I should be mad at me.
To this a resounding "No!!" Guilt turned inwards is shame. There's no reason for you to be ashamed. You are a mom who has been put in a position most moms have not been put in, most could never imagine. Most moms and grand moms have not had to travel the road you have been on, for years, a road that makes no logical sense. It doesn't matter how it happened, genetics, your daughter's choices as she entered puberty or adulthood, her lack of resilience as an adult, mental illness, and/or addiction.
Instead I might suggest you accept where you are right now and accept you tried, did the best you could, and turn towards being kind to yourself. Please forgive yourself for doing what a loving flawed parent(as we all are) would do and love "you" into doing what is best for you. If you don't feel what I'm saying here with all of the "buts" running in your head, it means the one person who needs you the most right now is you. It's like that old story about putting on your oxygen mask first. I went many years not realizing what that really meant. With your grand children in the mix it's harder, I know it feels like you are being held hostage trying to keep them out of harms way. But there are examples here where grand parents have been able to hold strong to get their grand children in a better place for the long run.
You deserve all of the peace and love you send out to everyone else.
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Deni D, everything you have written is absolutely correct and by the way, you are very articulate....I truly believe I have found my saving grace on this site. Beautiful people with heartaches such as mine. 2020 is going to be the start of me getting my self back with the help of the sweet people on here. God, I have been searching so long for a place like this. Whoever set this site up, God Bless You... I finally feel like I have a family I can turn too.
I pray for everyone to have a wonderful day.
Peace and Love
 
Top