Always looking for the right things to say

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Nov 15, 2018.

  1. So my son got his drivers license the other week. A huge step because prior to being sober he didn't have a desire to drive again. (He had a dui a few years ago and then sold his car)
    He wants to drive again and was hoping to do the car share that is near his area... Found out today that he can't because it has to be 4 years past his dui... I understand their viewpoint but now he is pretty set back. He is now thinking of leasing a car..... I just want to ask him why? He doesn't need it to go back and forth to work so he would pay that monthly payment plus the car insurance, etc just to go on a date and visit the new girlfriend? I just don't see it. But it is his decision. I just hope he thinks it through. He has a huge amount of bills to pay off and doesn't need this added to it..
    Not my life but I know when his life crashes I get pulled in.
    He and the new girlfriend are going away this weekend.... I am a bit on edge over that. Way too soon
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im confused. If he isnt allowed to drive, how can he rent a car?
     
  3. He retook his drivers test and now has a license. Where he lives they have something called car share where u can pay an hourly fee and drive their cars they have. Then you wouldn’t need to own your own car if u don’t need one that offen. However because he had a dui within the last 4 years they won’t allow him to use the. At share program they have. So he is upset and now thinks he will just lease a car so he can drive whenever he wants. This adds so many more bills to his already limited income. He never thinks things through and just makes rash decisions. He doesn’t need a car to go back and forth to work. The train is right near his place.
     
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    The only thing I ever say in situations like this is, "Make sure you really consider everything involved in this." And I go on my way. My daughter never listens to any advice I try to give and it just makes her mad. The bottom line is this is his decision. Find something to keep you occupied and focus on you. That's the best you can do. Read up on boundaries and enabling. The best definition I have read about enabling is doing something for a capable adult that they can do themselves. I think setting and enforcing health boundaries is one of the hardest things to do with adult children, but ultimately the healthiest for everyone.
     
  5. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I guess I'd ask if he has a budget in writing. Offer to help with that. Then let it go. His money. His spending.

    On the plus side his first choice was the car share rather than lease. So he did think about cost.

    Bottom line I've watched my kids make money mistakes. When they ask I give advice. Whether or not they take it is out of my control. As long as I don't co-sign not my problem.
     
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Please dont allow yourself to get drawn into any financial responsibility for the car. Don't cosign or put him on your policy. Been there done that it is a never ending trap.
     
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Has he thought of just renting a car from enterprise, hertz,alamo or a dealership when he needs one? Where we live there is only rental company but the dealerships have daily rentals.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he still drinks he will drink and drive. Not to scare you, but my daughter told me yesterday of a young woman she is friends with whose fiance was killed this week when he drove drunk. He hit a pole and did not have his seat belt on. The girl is beyond devestated. This happens. A lot. My daughter said he had driven impaired a lot feels bad, but thinks he should have been off the road. She is a Corrections Officer and sees a lot of bad stuff.

    Once I knew my oldest daughter did drugs, that was the end of her car use and our paying for her to drive. Period. I didnt want her or somebody else dead. She did have two accidents after 18 before she quit. Both times "friends" let her drive. Both were her fault. One lady sued her and she owed $14,000 and we did not help her until she was two YEARS sober. Then her dad paid off the balance.

    We listen to them whine and cry how they NEED a car and forget that they could die and we contributed if we help put them on the street. If he is still using he will drive in an altered state. If you help pay it may be on you. Never help an addict drive. My daughter had to get rides, walk, etc. She survived and thrived without a car. And she DID hurt someone when her "friend" let her use her car, the fool. But it was not money we had to pay.

    Just another perspective. Driving is a privelege, not a demanded right from an irresponsible user. Please dont.

    My daughter eventually got a job, bought a cheap car and had to pay sky high insurance but no accidents since sober. She is doing great.

    Just my different slant. Driving can kill. And while using, they dont drive well or think of consequences.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2018