On another mother's thread so as to not hijack it, SWOT suggested I start my own, new thread. And here it is. (I have copied what follows from another post.) Tomorrow I should see my son. We are meeting in a City maybe an hour from me, and two from where he has been homeless. It is four months since I have seen him. His living in the property I own had become intolerable for me. He invested nothing in making it work. I had to absorb all of the responsibility. I had to take all that he dished out. It was all of it, accommodating to him, to his interests, to what he wanted and needed. It was a dictatorship and I was the oppressed. I could not walk away from this reality, at the end. And I had to fight my way out of it. He resisted leaving. There were cops, multiple times. I came to experience him as somebody of whom I was afraid. But expelling him was not an answer for me. Oh. How I suffered. And him, homeless these four months. So. We are in conversation about how he could come back, with this outcome in no way certain. Me, defining what is my absolute bottom line. Me, trying to find ways to put the responsibility in him,(how does one do that?) in an ongoing way, so that it is not just empty words, momentary promises, he uses as keys to the kingdom, the comforts and the support I can provide. So I am trying to look at this as just this: the resuming of conversation between us. Only that. And that I will have to tolerate this--because maybe this is all that it can be, for now. I am beginning to be anxious. It is easier to text; less easy to talk; harder still to anticipate seeing him, the person he has become. Every month, every year, farther away from the child I raised. Disheveled. Haunted. Disorganized. Tangential. Stuck. Smoking. The smoking cigarettes bothers me a lot. He was always so health-conscious. How do I not bring into myself all of this in the form of pain, or denial? How can I let him be, let him be himself, without making it into a tragic story about me? It is hard. How do I stay in the present and hold hope? How to tolerate the pain and the love in the same moment, without escaping through anger or control or even conflict? How do I allow myself to be present and to feel?