An update, sigh

Deni D

Well-Known Member
So much sad news on here these days I haven't wanted to add more, but I kind of feel a bit disingenuous posting to others threads and not letting folks know my life experiences continue to be a shat show. The good news is my son has not called me the C word for four months, the bad news is it’s only because he has not contacted me in four months.

He is no longer living in town in a house where I had a slight sideways connection to what he’s up to. He moved to what someone referred to as an “assisted living” situation a couple of months ago. I do not know the address so I can’t check it out. I am hopeful this is a situation where a mental health social worker is in regular contact with him but most likely is a bad living situation where social services pays most of his rent and he is responsible for a portion and that it’s for the assisted part. I know he didn’t have any money for security so maybe the mental health organization he’s in contact with is more involved, I just don’t know.

A few weeks ago I had a bunch of phone calls early morning and a couple of text messages. What’s that called “phone bombing”? Over the past few years my son has trained even me to block out these multiple phone calls and messages when I’m sleeping. If my house was on fire these days my neighbors could be standing outside of my locked door trying to roust me by calling my phone and it wouldn’t work. In the past a phone call after 10pm would have me in a panic. So I guess that’s more good news. Anyway the calls turned out to be from my son’s father. He left a text message telling me to call him because it’s an emergency. I shut down for a moment and then threw up. I was so sure the emergency was that my son had died. My son’s father has not spoken to me in a few years, I don’t know if it’s because he believes my son’s made-up childhood abuse stories or if it’s because he didn’t want to deal with the pressure from me over the years for him to step up and act like a father. I got cut off and just accepted it for what it is, whatever.

It turns out the phone call was because my son’s father has cancer and was told late the night before that he could no longer be treated. They told him he was going to be sent home from the hospital that day on hospice care and he wanted to get in touch with my son but didn’t have his phone number. He didn’t have his phone number because it’s gets changed often. The father described “during the summer J asked to move in with him and when he told him no J said “:censored2: you and die”," so his father decided not to have anything to do with him for a while. I didn’t have his phone number either. I went about contacting someone who could fb message him to call me so I could get him to call his father. He eventually called his father without talking to me, and was shortly afterwards ubered over to the house to visit. But since then he has not visited. The one time afterward that his father called him to see if he would come by again, he told him “no, he’s working on his childhood abuse issues”. Now his father is on high dosages of pain medication, not really relating to anyone and I’m waiting for the any day call from his wife that he’s passed.

I’ve gone through such anger and pity towards my son and such anger and pity towards his poor dying father, back and forth, round and round, wondering if I really am a horrible judgmental bioch who expects way too much from people and then back to but I don’t act like a selfish ahole like they do. A wild merry go round ride.

I’m starting to settle down a little on the anger now. But I’m still waiting for that call and wondering how much nature verse nurture has to do with the internal workings of the human condition. I know I put myself in a position as my son was growing up to be seen as more of a thing than a human by all of my hoop jumping and providing and being the only parent of a special needs child. But my son’s relationship with his father was so much different. I know my son loved his father in the past, I know he was interested in the things his father was interested in, as the only way to be connected with his father. He would go fishing and do coin collecting just to be with his father, not because he liked that stuff, he didn’t. He would tell me things about his father’s life and interests, it was all about his father when he was with him. With this I knew my son had the capacity to actually “see” someone else, not the experience I had with my son. Now I’m thinking that capacity to see someone else along with his strong hold on the truth no matter what, has also gone by the wayside. I’m so disappointed with my son, he’s missed his chance with his father now, has gone over the edge even with him. This is the last thing I would have ever expected from him.

For now it’s a bit too difficult for me to even respond to some of the threads. I feel like a fake, like I have nothing to offer other than I’m sorry and I’m lost now too, not something I feel is helpful. I guess I will work through it, like all of the other things over the years, losing a bit more of the naivety I’ve often carried for way too long in my life believing deep down that all people are good but maybe just sometimes troubled. Trying for radial acceptance, the right yin and yang, not the jaded view I can’t get out of right now, the “some people just suck” view I’m fighting.

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone in a bad place right now. I do have people and other circumstances in my life where I'm able to compartmentalize this stuff and shut it out, another bit of good news as I never could have imagined being able to do that in the past. I hope anyone who's dealing with really difficult stuff is also able to split their mind to a place where they don't bring it with them.
 
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MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Deni, I’m so glad you posted. Your experience and words are always valued here.
It’s nearly 1.30 am where I am and I need to sleep so I will be brief for now.
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. It is not your fault. None of it. You have done your best. It is hard, it is unfair, but it is not your fault.
I’ll be back after some sleep.
Until then, hang in there.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi, there. I am sorry for all that you are going through. I recently had a bad time myself. I'm getting better at being resilient. For a decade, I felt like a horrible evil person if I did not allow my abusive daughter to abuse me. It was so hard to get out of my mindset that "My life is over if my daughter isn't in it" and "As a Mother, this must be my fault. Since it's my fault SND I'm her mother, I can not reject her behavior no matter what." It almost cost me my marriage and my other kids suffered. Took NarAnon and private therapy to make me see that it's not my fault how an adult behaves and that I need to reject abusive behavior from anyone, even her.


I can not tell you what to do. But I can let you know I care and have been there. Finally we are in a please where even.if we never see Kay again, she can not abuse us. I accept this now. I could not for a long time.

Sending prayers and peace and hugs.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I feel like a fake, like I have nothing to offer other than I’m sorry and I’m lost now too, not something I feel is helpful.
Dear Deni

When I began posting here on others' threads I started out as a fake too. My view about responding to others' threads is not that we know what to do, but that we learn what we need to learn, learn what we need to do, and find the strength to do it, by approximating this place in our writing to others in similar places. We are not born whole. We construct ourselves. Due to the difficulties each of us faces in our real-life relationships with our children, it's near impossible, in my experience to change on the high wire. The situations are too triggering. The reactions of our kids too volatile, too irresponsible, too loaded.

These threads are our training wheels. Here we learn what we need, by writing to others. Here we identify first, the steps we want to take, or need to take. I think posting on others' threads is indispensable, at least it was for me. I hope you post. Where we are right now, how we are is the place to write. This is how we move on.

losing a bit more of the naivety I’ve often carried for way too long in my life believing deep down that all people are good but maybe just sometimes troubled.
In these times here in the United States I think we are most of us, in this place. My own son has been a Q Anon person. Up until this point, while he is reactive, he has been a non-violent person. I have been unable to reconcile the person he chooses to be now, with the child and young man he was. I hold on still to the belief that he is still that kind, gentle and loving person. Even though 99.9 percent of the time he is not that to me. He even holds conspiracy theories about Jewish people, which he has tried to tell me even though I am a Jew.

All of that said, I do not think that I need to go to the question of good/evil because I believe that within us there is always both and that everybody has the potential to find good someday if there is the choice to do so. And also, because I believe that it is my responsibility to hold him at bay when he hurts me or when his own hurt spills over onto me.

This is what you are doing too. I feel sad for your son's Dad, but his is a cautionary tale. I worry about my own death too (which I hope is a long way into the future.) I worry that I will have structured my assets in the correct way, to protect my son; I worry that I will be near him. I worry that if he is near me, will he be able to love me, to care for me. I worry about how I will feel about myself and my life if things remain as they are, as I lay dying.

I for one want to vow to stop doing all of this worrying and to seize life now. It is what it is. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. Let's not look in the rear-view mirror. Our sons and daughters are responsible for their lives and their life trajectories. We are responsible for our own. Let's seize the day and live well.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry that your son is getting into the mindset mine is in. I wonder if our kids are more prone to these things. My daughter is nothing like she had been raised to be.

I am now of the belief that nature trump's nurture. My adopted daughter is very different from the rest.of us from the way she is very loud to her interests and gifts (music for her) to the very way she walks...very distinctive. I am so heartbroken.

Be good to yourself. Love and hugs.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi Deni

Please don't feel like a fake. I think posting here is a good way to journalize what is happening to us. I think reading others' posts and commenting is a good way for us to start to change. We see things so much clearer when they are not OUR problem. We are like why doesn't she just do this??? I still feel it is an invaluable service to others and to ourselves.

Just because we can't figure out our own stuff doesn't mean we can't help one another figure out their stuff!

Just know in all of this that YOUR intentions are good. I have to do that in my relationships with others in my life. That is where your responsibility ends. Your intentions are good.

Be good to yourself.
;)
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
My son's father passed away yesterday. The dad's wife called me to let me know in the morning. She wants me to make sure my son does not go to the services. I can't do that although I don't think he will bother. Both she and my son's father have not "heard" me when I've told them he behaves really horribly towards me and won't listen to anything I would tell him to do. It's a strange situation. I'm glad the father is no longer in pain, if it had to happen at least it didn't drag on too long.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Thank you Deni for letting us know. Does your son know his father died? What a sad situation all the way around. I hope that you can find a safe place again inside yourself. I think you're doing so well, Deni. I am sorry you've had to go through all of this.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Deni, this is awful and such a hard time for all involved. I'm sorry this has happened and hope your son deals with the news without causing you (or anyone else) further pain.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Demi,
This situation is a lot to unpack. I think you are doing great. You have kept perspective while being strong enough keep your boundaries in tact. Very sad about your ex husband. If I knew she didn’t want him at the funeral, I (myself) would leave it up to her to tell the son of his passing. (I think). I have a feeling that you will be punished either way.
I know you are disappointed in the way your son is handling his relationship with his father. I would imagine the wife has seen this behavior in the past.
Continue to be yourself, you have a beautiful soul.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the responses everyone.
Thank you Deni for letting us know. Does your son know his father died? What a sad situation all the way around. I hope that you can find a safe place again inside yourself. I think you're doing so well, Deni. I am sorry you've had to go through all of this.

His older brother had left him a message before his dad's wife called me. I didn't call him because I didn't want to tell him she didn't want him at the services for his father. Considering the lack of contact with him over these past months it's hard for me to figure out what is right to do verses what's wrong. It's very sad. My son did end up going to the services. His social worker from the mental health organization he is involved with brought him. I was going to go to the mass but decided in the end not to because I realized my initial decision to go was really because I was attempting to do the right thing for my son. It's not that I wouldn't have gone under somewhat normal circumstances but mental illness runs in the family and there is one person I was concerned who might pull a drama event to have me thrown out, so I decided to protect myself from that. I sent flowers from my family instead. I sent a message to my ex's wife and she responded that she totally understood. I didn't know what that meant at the time, only that she knew my son was going in hindsight.

I'm sorry this has happened and hope your son deals with the news without causing you (or anyone else) further pain.

He called me last night. At least for now he's watching what he's saying. He was crying through most of our call and was very apologetic towards me and when talking about how he treated his father during his final time. He still thinks his issues are from "childhood abuse" and not having bipolar disorder so I walked on egg shells while talking to him. I just listened and told him how much his father loves him and wants the best for him and such. It's a whole other topic about how I protected my son from his fathers off the wall behaviors through the years as he was trying to get to me by treating my son badly. Seemed harder to keep that information at bay now for some reason, but he will never know of that stuff, I will never ever tell him. I am not expecting any change in my relationship with my son after his call last night, it's up to him. I accept things are whatever they will be, no control on my part.

This situation is a lot to unpack.
For real, feel like I'm unpacking every freaking thing from the last 26 years sometimes.

You have kept perspective while being strong enough keep your boundaries in tact. Very sad about your ex husband. If I knew she didn’t want him at the funeral, I (myself) would leave it up to her to tell the son of his passing. (I think). I have a feeling that you will be punished either way.
Thank you very much (takes a bow) I did nothing. Judged wrong or right for not going to the mass, judged wrong or right for not calling my son, yeah either way I know it will be decided that I did the wrong thing and would have been if I had done the opposite, and not just by my son. Sometimes people just want you to be wrong, so I honored myself and did what was right for me.

Thanks so much everyone, my "in real life" people care and have let me know with extra attention the last couple of days but they just can't relate, you are all priceless to me.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Hi, Deni - my daughter's father passed unexpectedly in December. He hadn't reached out to Miss KT since her birthday in August, nor responded to her efforts to contact him. I hear you about being judged for doing the wrong thing; I'm living it as well. Many hugs to you and your son.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the responses everyone.


His older brother had left him a message before his dad's wife called me. I didn't call him because I didn't want to tell him she didn't want him at the services for his father. Considering the lack of contact with him over these past months it's hard for me to figure out what is right to do verses what's wrong. It's very sad. My son did end up going to the services. His social worker from the mental health organization he is involved with brought him. I was going to go to the mass but decided in the end not to because I realized my initial decision to go was really because I was attempting to do the right thing for my son. It's not that I wouldn't have gone under somewhat normal circumstances but mental illness runs in the family and there is one person I was concerned who might pull a drama event to have me thrown out, so I decided to protect myself from that. I sent flowers from my family instead. I sent a message to my ex's wife and she responded that she totally understood. I didn't know what that meant at the time, only that she knew my son was going in hindsight.



He called me last night. At least for now he's watching what he's saying. He was crying through most of our call and was very apologetic towards me and when talking about how he treated his father during his final time. He still thinks his issues are from "childhood abuse" and not having bipolar disorder so I walked on egg shells while talking to him. I just listened and told him how much his father loves him and wants the best for him and such. It's a whole other topic about how I protected my son from his fathers off the wall behaviors through the years as he was trying to get to me by treating my son badly. Seemed harder to keep that information at bay now for some reason, but he will never know of that stuff, I will never ever tell him. I am not expecting any change in my relationship with my son after his call last night, it's up to him. I accept things are whatever they will be, no control on my part.


For real, feel like I'm unpacking every freaking thing from the last 26 years sometimes.


Thank you very much (takes a bow) I did nothing. Judged wrong or right for not going to the mass, judged wrong or right for not calling my son, yeah either way I know it will be decided that I did the wrong thing and would have been if I had done the opposite, and not just by my son. Sometimes people just want you to be wrong, so I honored myself and did what was right for me.

Thanks so much everyone, my "in real life" people care and have let me know with extra attention the last couple of days but they just can't relate, you are all priceless to me.
I think you made a wise decision to protect yourself and I am glad you were able to be an empathetic ear for your son.
 
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