And away we go

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Triedntrue, Mar 12, 2020.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Last time i posted my son was getting out of jail and i had set firm boundaries. Laughable. I ended up spending several thousand dollars to house and clothe him until he could find a job. He was taking medications and not drinking trying to please his girlfriend. Finally found a job which required him to travel stayed out for about a month. Got a toothache i took him medications he stayed with it. Girlfriend dumped him he didn't handle it well. Got off . came home she let him take her on a date and then apparently dumped him again. He was supposed to go to court about child support. Didn't but asked me for a ride then wouldn't talk except to refuse to get out of my car. I parked and went in my house he slept in my car all day. Had to go to the bathroom i let him in. Won't come out of bedroom been sleeping for last night and all day. Doesn't talk but a few words irritable. I am avoiding. Won't eat gave him drinks because i was afraid of dehydration. Have told him he can go down and get food. Nope! Have no idea how to get him out without a scene. My fault didn't hold my boundaries because i felt sorry for him. He probably drank or worse and then got stupid but he had been trying so hard. Everytime he gets a serious girlfriend it ends and everything falls apart. I am so tired.
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  2. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Triedntrue, I know what happend. You thought this time he will go into an upward swing so you gave it your best only to be dissapointed again. I have walked in your shoes so many times and each time I wanted to slap myself in the face for taking the bait. Just know you did what you thought was the best thing and anytime we get a chance to help the upward swing we do what ever it takes. You are a great mom. My understanding and compassion is with you. I hope you get him out of your home before he ruins your nerves. He is almost 40 for God's sake.
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  3. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    OH TNT, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this predicament. If it's any comfort, I probably would have done the same thing. It's so hard when we want the best for them. We're so easily seduced by the thought maybe this time it will be different.

    I don't have any advice, really, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I needed to hear this TNT as a reminder to myself. It's such a slippery slope we travel and just when we think we're walking around with our invisible shield of boundaries, courage and strength we get sucker punched! Ouch... How many times must we go through this until we learn? Learning lessons takes such a long time for us enablers, I feel. We always think that we are the ones who will step in and save the day. I say this for myself as well..."we just don't learn...quickly".

    But the good news is, as I can see it, you have not slipped all the way back. You can now see through the fog and know better. It's not like you're still back in the dark not knowing there is even light to be had. You now know what you need to do and for that I will pray for courage and strength for you to figure out the best plan to remove your son. We know that's really the first step for "your" recovery. You've given him all the chances and help for his recovery but now you know you have to be the one to be the change.

    You cannot change him just like I cannot change my two sons who occasionally pull me into thinking they're try to make some changes for themselves, all the while their hands are still outstretched looking for my financial support.

    You can do this. Pray and search and ask God to guide you to say and do the right things so he will leave peacefully and without incident. You are not being fair to yourself if you don't. Take care of yourself.

    PS and by the way...I always remember something I heard in Al anon. "An alcoholic will drink over an untied shoelace." I used to think if I could prevent all the crisis and soften all the blows my ex-husband was experiencing that he'd have no reason to drink because life was being made "easy" for him. The joke was on me because I was stressed juggling all the balls like a circus clown and he still drank. You cannot prevent your son from experiencing life on life's terms. The same is true for you and me.

    Sending prayers.
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  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Thank you newstart i am glad i am not alone and yet wish we both could have gone without this experience. I hope both of us can find the strength to learn.

    Miss lulu thank you for your kindness and support.

    JayPee i think one of the many advantages of this forum is the reminders we give each other. My prayers echoed yours very closely. I keep running ideas through my head. Thank you all so much.
  6. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    I'm sorry. It's hard. You want to be hopeful... sometimes even against your better judgement. I wish I were still a little more hopeful, kind of. I don't like that I don't feel that way much anymore. I'm burnt out. I'm glad I have my boundaries and wouldn't let my daughter back in our house, but then sometimes I feel like I wish I had some hope that it would help.

    I know it's kind of weird.
  7. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    Hey Triedntrue, good luck. I do not envy you. I read your initial post and shuddered. Youngest is being released from prison one week from tomorrow. Mrs 200Meters & I do not know what to expect and are gritting our teeth.
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    We've all been there, T&T. How are things today?

    This is how I feel too.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Thank you all! So far he has been quiet and respectful. Coming out to eat and watch tv. He is supposed to go back to work Tuesday. My next worry past Tuesday is how to hold my boundaries next time.
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    He went back to work today. He did however leave the room a mess. Actually paid me a small payment on the money he owes me though. I was shocked. I am praying that he continues to improve. I know there are still issues that have to be dealt with or i should say he has to deal with but i am going to try to hold the boundaries better next time. I did tell him that he could not stay here next time he said i know. I am both worried and just a tiny bit hopeful.
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