And so it goes

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Last post I wrote Tornado was in jail awaiting for space to open up for rehab. The judge ordered to keep her incarcerated until that happened. She called me several times with a list of things she would need, seemingly excited to be going to rehab. I wondered if the “get out of jail” card would work, but tried to think positively that at least she had this shot. So, I went and bought toiletries and other necessities from a list that the rehab provided.
There was a hint that she was planning to run. “Please check on Rain, because if I don’t know how she is doing, that would make me run.”
Hoku said “Mom, why do you have to get her anything? She is a grown woman, and has caused so much harm already.”
True.
I weighed whether I was enabling or not, by going out and getting these things, then made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t go overboard. That supporting her first stint at rehab was okay.
She called me several times, each time with a growing list of wants. Typical addict behaviors.
She lost her phone privileges last week, violated a rule.
The writing was on the wall.
I was still hopeful and wrote her a note yesterday and put it in a bag with a few comfort items.
“I haven’t been able to speak with my daughter over the weekend because she couldn’t use the phone.” I stammered to the rugged looking but nice reception lady.
“I don’t even know if she is still here or not....” I said.
The lady looked at me and said that she couldn’t tell me due to privacy issues. I sighed.
“Did you bring her something?” I said yes and she looked at me and shook her head no. I looked down at my feet and muttered “Oh no.” I thanked her and left, feeling kind of foolish, but reminding myself that Tornado had entered rehab already hinting at things that would “make her run.” That I had made bets with my inner naysayer voice that I would give her a week or so.
It’s been ten days.
Sigh.
“How do I tell the kids?” I thought to myself.
I wasn’t going to keep this from them. They took the news nonchalantly, granddaughter was silent, younger grandson said “All we can do is hope Tutu.” Which I thought was pretty mature. Older grandson was upset “She is so stupid.”
He, by the way is doing much better with his aunty and uncle.
So, we carry on with our lives while Tornado plays the outlaw role, bench warrant reissued.
Sigh.
I am not heartbroken. Disappointed. I know that she went to rehab not of her own accord, she was forced. I was hopeful that with time spent in jail to get clean that she might come round. Oh well. Just “another Tuesday.”
Meanwhile, I will deal with whatever backslide this may or may not trigger with her kids.
I will not be going out on a limb for “necessities”
the next round of rehab, if that day comes.
Done my part.
Lesson learned.
How I had hoped for a miracle.
Not giving up hope, just tired friends.
I am a bit worried that with months clean, she may over do her next high. There, I wrote it. I was going to delete, not wanting to admit to my catastrophic thought process, but it is the reality of the disease.
Going to give it all to God and carry on, one step at a time.
What else can I do?
Sigh.
New Leaf
 

ChickPea

Well-Known Member
Oh hon. Bless the lady's heart for giving you that indicator. I'm sorry that was the answer, but maybe you knew it a little in your heart and just needed confirmation. You could always keep the bag of "comforts" --what you bought-- and if she needs them at some point, then you have them.

I know that disappointment, the fatigue. I feel like a jerk if I don't appear to have hope or seem cynical.

It's hard. I hope you can do something "comforting" for yourself
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Thank you Chickpea. Yes, I did prepare myself a bit for this outcome. Trying not to berate myself for going out of my way to provide for her, it was my way of being there for her, hoping that would show her that I did have hope. Still do, but am resolved to focus on my grands. (My inner nag is calling me stupid, but I am trying not to let that voice bring me down).
She will have to figure out her choices and understand how it effects her family.
Take responsibility.
Back to the same ole, same ole.
Life goes on, and so must we.
Leafy
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
So sorry New Leaf.

You really need some good news with your girls. I'm so glad that her kids have YOU and so sorry that they have to see their mother struggle so much. It is very hard for everyone involved that loves her.

You are doing everything you can to help her without enabling her.

God's hands. It's so hard to let go of things we cannot control. Something good has to come out of all of this. Some day I hope you are able to bask in something wonderful and unexpected.

Prayers for all of you.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
You know, RN, what I have learned and I think Copa said something to the tune of this...what we have all gone through, or are going through, leads us to a place of finding inner strength and our own meaning in life, as well as seeking help and comfort from our higher power. We simply cannot control the actions of others. We can only get a handle on our own response. I am going to talk with my grands about leading the way with our own good choices, not letting the decisions of those we love drag us down. That by living as best we can, we hold the torch high and light the path of possibilities.
Love
Leaf
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Well, cat crap, Leafy. How gut-wrenching, but unfortunately not a complete surprise. But I was hoping for some glimmer of a wake-up call too, once her head cleared a bit.

I will continue to hope, along with you and your wise, incredibly loving grands. What a blessing they are, and what a blessing they have in you. I’m so very sorry Tornado can’t see that.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
New Leaf-you are not stupid for hoping; it's an innate response of being a Mom, to want to nurture our children and do good to them. But sometimes they simply will not allow it, and we have to go back to our boundaries or re-evaluate the boundaries. I'm sorry for how disappointing this was to you. Your grands are very fortunate to have someone to model for them healthy responses to dysfunctional people, however imperfectly we do it at times. You are leading the way for them.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
We simply cannot control the actions of others. We can only get a handle on our own response.
It's only natural to hold out a ray of hope that things will be better. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and with wanting to bring some comfort items to your daughter. I've been played this way before with my two difficult children. Like you, I try to use these learning experiences to make me stronger and wiser. Hopefully, still empathic but not sacrificing my well-being for theirs.

It still hurts, and oh, wouldn't it be wonderful to see our struggling kids move toward healing. It hasn't happened in two decades of turmoil with my two, but they have their own journeys, and I've had to learn the hard way that I have no control over their choices in their journeys.

I hope you find some respite. Sending positive thoughts your way.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Oh Leafy, I’m so sorry. No matter how much we prepare for these disappointments they are still heartbreaking when they happen. Sending you love.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry Leafy. I check in off and on - always with the prayer that things will be going well for you all. I suppose we all have hope for outcomes that may not happen...and every disappointment hits hard. I wish I could give you a big hug and strength for another day my friend.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Thank you all.
You really need some good news with your girls. I'm so glad that her kids have YOU and so sorry that they have to see their mother struggle so much. It is very hard for everyone involved that loves her.
Good news would be wonderful RN, but I am not going to hold my breath. They have to figure out their lives. They seem so stuck in the street life. I don’t know how they do it.
It is hard.Though my grands don’t seem phased, I know they are.
God's hands. It's so hard to let go of things we cannot control. Something good has to come out of all of this. Some day I hope you are able to bask in something wonderful and unexpected.
Thank you RN, I will continue to pray for that miracle.
That was beyond beautiful, New Leaf.
Thank you Busy.

Well, cat crap, Leafy. How gut-wrenching, but unfortunately not a complete surprise. But I was hoping for some glimmer of a wake-up call too, once her head cleared a bit.
Cat crap is right, Albie.Guess she will have to do another stint in jail. I hope they don’t take months to pick her up. The next court date is in March, the judge gave her a stern, loving chance to get clean and start on her journey to keep her parental rights. Sigh.

I will continue to hope, along with you and your wise, incredibly loving grands. What a blessing they are, and what a blessing they have in you. I’m so very sorry Tornado can’t see that.
They are a blessing. I hope we can hold each other up through this. I hope especially that they will know their worth and potential and rise above this mess.

New Leaf-you are not stupid for hoping; it's an innate response of being a Mom, to want to nurture our children and do good to them. But sometimes they simply will not allow it, and we have to go back to our boundaries or re-evaluate the boundaries. I'm sorry for how disappointing this was to you. Your grands are very fortunate to have someone to model for them healthy responses to dysfunctional people, however imperfectly we do it at times. You are leading the way for them.
Thank you so much Beta. It has been a rough ride for all of us.

It's only natural to hold out a ray of hope that things will be better. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and with wanting to bring some comfort items to your daughter.
Thank you Acacia, I had to really examine myself over that. I will definitely be more cautious if the opportunity presents again.

I've been played this way before with my two difficult children. Like you, I try to use these learning experiences to make me stronger and wiser. Hopefully, still empathic but not sacrificing my well-being for theirs.
I am feeling a bit played for sure. I reminded myself that rehab needs to be Tornadoes decision. Maybe the few days of classes she took when she was there will surface one day. Only time will tell.

It still hurts, and oh, wouldn't it be wonderful to see our struggling kids move toward healing. It hasn't happened in two decades of turmoil with my two, but they have their own journeys, and I've had to learn the hard way that I have no control over their choices in their journeys.
It would be so wonderful to see that. This latest drama hits a soft spot because the kids were hoping to reconcile with their Mom. I feel the same as you do Acacia, they all have their own journeys and we have no control.

Oh Leafy, I’m so sorry. No matter how much we prepare for these disappointments they are still heartbreaking when they happen. Sending you love.
Thank you Lulu. Sending love right back at you.
:grouphugg:
Thank you all for your kindness and support.
Leafy
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear New Leaf I have been out of town the past week away from the computer, thus am seeing this sad post for the first time, right now. I am sorry, truly. And I am in somewhat the same place, as my son had admitted himself to a program and sober living home 2 weeks ago, after we refused to buy him any food or give him money for same. He had established a pattern where he would use his SSI money for drugs, and be without money for the rest of the month. Every month this happened sooner, until this past month his money was gone after a week.

In the way this is my son for now, this is Tornado. They choose this on some level. Maybe until they choose voluntarily to go to long-term treatment, they are choosing this on all levels. And within this box, there is no entry for us. Not for you, not for me.

I warned my son to think before he burned his bridges with the sober living home, that if he was using it solely for instrumental and self-serving purposes, that is purely for housing and support, without intention to abstain, to think twice. I told him he would not be returning to live anywhere with or near me, under any circumstances. We believe he has left the program and sober living home. He warned me: Mom. The house manager is using Meth. This is what my son does. He projects.

Without intention and the desire to seek to become responsible, even a little bit, this cycling of our children becomes inevitable. Truly, I am beginning to believe that no contact is better. There seems to be not one thing I can offer my son, that serves him. And everything serves his addictive behavior. I write this to you to shore up your response to your daughter and to support you to support and to forgive yourself, for any ambivalence.
I am a bit worried that with months clean, she may over do her next high.
It occurred to me only late last night, what the implications are for me and my son, if he's left there. He had gone back on the antivirals for his Hep B. I worry constantly that he will stop them (again) because of the boomerang risk to the virus. Did he go back on the antivirals as a manipulation? And did I set this up, by encouraging it, encouraging him? My involvement with my son puts him at risk, if it serves to add this variable into his mix. Better he not in any way be influenced by me, or the desire to influence me. If all anything is, is a manipulation, and not truly felt or desired.

New Leaf. I know we've been around the block with this before. Yet this time I have more clarity that there is no way I can support my son because he distorts everything. Every single thing becomes about this indigent/drug/manipulative lifestyle. The toxicity of it, spills over into me and my life, not the other way around. Every single thing I have done to help seems only to have served him to become further entrenched.

That said, I believe you did the right thing to stay true to yourself bringing the toiletries. You're her mother. What you did was purely driven by a heart full of love. How is that wrong? How will it ever be wrong? There's no reason to regret that. We are not fools. We are mothers. That will never change. Why should it? But I am very, very sorry, New Leaf. And I know the worry, which I share. Love.

PS New Leaf. I am so very sorry you are disappointed once again. I am disappointed for me, too. My son feels no interest nor obligation to touch base with me, to let me know how or where he is, absent his need to use me or my resources. I exist only to serve. Sadly.
 
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New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hello there Lil, so nice to “see” you.
I'm so sorry Leafy. I check in off and on - always with the prayer that things will be going well for you all. I suppose we all have hope for outcomes that may not happen...and every disappointment hits hard. I wish I could give you a big hug and strength for another day my friend.
Thank you so much for writing Lil. I am trying not to let it get to me too much. I have bigger or actually smaller fish to fry with my grands, so there is no time to wallow in the disappointment. The hug is so appreciated my dear. Just gonna have to carry on.Take care Lil and do check in again!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Thank you Copa,I am better today. I am so sorry that you are going through the same.
He had established a pattern where he would use his SSI money for drugs, and be without money for the rest of the month. Every month this happened sooner, until his money was gone after a week.
Oh no. Not good.

Without intention and the desire to seek to become responsible, even a little bit, this cycling of our children becomes inevitable. Truly, I am beginning to believe that no contact is better. There seems to be not one thing I can offer my son, that serves him. And everything serves his addictive behavior.
I feel the same.I bought some clothes for Tornado, shoes, left the tags on in case they didn’t fit. Now I wonder if she used that for money. If it was all a ruse to get out of jail. She began speaking civilly. It has been awhile since I have heard that.

My involvement with my son puts him at risk, if it serves to add this variable into his mix. Better he not in any way be influenced by me, or the desire to influence me. If all anything is, is a manipulation, and not truly felt or desired.
I feel the same way. I am not a thing to be manipulated and used. I am sad that she would put her kids through this, still and/or again. Me, I’m an adult, I have a number of coping mechanisms, the kids? Not fair.

New Leaf. I know we've been around the block with this before. Yet this time I have more clarity that there is no way I can support my son because he distorts everything. Every single thing becomes about this indigent/drug/manipulative lifestyle. The toxicity of it, spills over into me and my life, not the other way around.
I think we are all effected by the toxic waste of life that exists in our waywards world. My daughters are the same, they distort everything, there is no sane way to address it. Tornado said I just need to accept them the way they are? Maybe that is true, stop hoping more than they do for change?

That said, I believe you did the right thing to stay true to yourself bringing the toiletries. You're her mother. What you did was purely driven by a heart full of love. How is that wrong? How will it ever be wrong? There's no reason to regret that. We are not fools. We are mothers. That will never change. Why should it? But I am very, very sorry, New Leaf. And I know the worry, which I share. Love.
Thank you Copa.I have berated myself enough for doing something out of love, knowing Tornado had nothing but the clothes on her back and her name. I thought at least if she had a few comforts she would know I was cheering her on from the sidelines. The rehab sites encourage positivity and support. So there. I showed up. I am not the fool, she is for not taking this opportunity to get help to be well, to be able to look after herself and possibly her kids. The waiting list for rehabs here is long. She had this chance, for free.
Sigh.
Back to the business of focusing on my grands and my well children.
These two have exhausted me. But I am awake, Copa.
Love back at you, and fellow feeling for where you are at with this.
Insidious.
Addiction sucks.
Leaf
 

SeekingStrength

Well-Known Member
Hugs New Leaf,

You have been on my mind today. For what it is worth, I believe you did a very kind thing for your daughter out of love and hope. It is good to hear you have stopped berating yourself.

My Difficult Child was released from jail years ago with the clothes on his back and one shoe. The other shoe was lost during his arrest. Granted, having two shoes would not have prevented his making more and more horrible choices--but it made me so sad to think he was released in the city like that.

You wanted to show her that love and support.

I am sorry you and your family are dealing with this. There has to be a better tomorrow as far as our DCs are concerned. I tell myself that allll the time.

SS
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I bought some clothes for Tornado, shoes, left the tags on in case they didn’t fit. Now I wonder if she used that for money. If it was all a ruse to get out of jail.
Look New Leaf. You can't take responsibility for Tornado's poor choices. Nothing you have done or ever could do will affect her use of drugs or her choice to stop. She's all alone on that gangplank by herself.

Nor do I think it really matters how they misuse our support, that is freely given, from love and hope. Oh. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt us and anger and frustrate us. But in terms of responsibility, there's none. And that they violate our trust (over and over again), has not a thing in the world to do with us.

In no way does this mean I condone what they do. What I'm saying is we have no fault here. Because there's no right answer for us, ever. There's a cost to us to every single thing we do or don't do. We might as well do what makes us feel we can live, and not slowly die.

We can choose to no longer allow this, by setting ever-stricter boundaries, in order to save ourselves from ongoing pain, but I agree so totally that the only fools here are our children. That they have been reduced to predatory behavior towards the person who loves them best in the world, times 100, is on them. Completely. Totally.

We aren't wrong. We weren't wrong. Stopping altogether is not wrong. Showing kindness again, is not wrong.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Leafy,

I agree with the others in that you did a loving kindness to bring her items to the rehab. I think it's perfectly fine to bring items anytime one of our kids are in treatment. I think it signals that we support the decision to try to be sober. We never know when will be their first or last attempt at sobriety.

I remember getting my hopes up when J was in rehab to just feel crushed with each new relapse. I will be thinking of you and Tornado and the grands.

Tell us a good story of the grands. Kids are so cute and say the funniest things. I miss mine being little.

Jmom
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
I was going to delete, not wanting to admit to my catastrophic thought process, but it is the reality of the disease.
I dont know that I would have done a thing different than you did, Leafy. Of course share it. There is no perfect way of dealing with our DCs.

I am so sorry this didnt work out the way you were hoping it would. So very sorry, because I would wish and hope like you have. It's a bump in the road. She wasnt ready. I have to believe my Difficult Child may never be ready, but have hope that she will before her body says no more.

My heart bleeds for your disappointment. All I can say is you are not alone.

In healing, Blindsided
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
Thank you Copa,I am better today. I am so sorry that you are going through the same.
Oh no. Not good.

I feel the same.I bought some clothes for Tornado, shoes, left the tags on in case they didn’t fit. Now I wonder if she used that for money. If it was all a ruse to get out of jail. She began speaking civilly. It has been awhile since I have heard that.

I feel the same way. I am not a thing to be manipulated and used. I am sad that she would put her kids through this, still and/or again. Me, I’m an adult, I have a number of coping mechanisms, the kids? Not fair.

I think we are all effected by the toxic waste of life that exists in our waywards world. My daughters are the same, they distort everything, there is no sane way to address it. Tornado said I just need to accept them the way they are? Maybe that is true, stop hoping more than they do for change?

Thank you Copa.I have berated myself enough for doing something out of love, knowing Tornado had nothing but the clothes on her back and her name. I thought at least if she had a few comforts she would know I was cheering her on from the sidelines. The rehab sites encourage positivity and support. So there. I showed up. I am not the fool, she is for not taking this opportunity to get help to be well, to be able to look after herself and possibly her kids. The waiting list for rehabs here is long. She had this chance, for free.
Sigh.
Back to the business of focusing on my grands and my well children.
These two have exhausted me. But I am awake, Copa.
Love back at you, and fellow feeling for where you are at with this.
Insidious.
Addiction sucks.
Leaf
I think ots good to put focus on those who really need you. Your daughter is able bodied and chooses not to support her own children. You are a gift to those grandchildren.
 
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