And the shi* hit the fan

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Nov 12, 2019.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So son has been doing pretty well for a year since he's been home. No pills (benzos were his vice) and some lite beer drinking. Some weed outside our home but that has pretty much stopped due to job search. Has been pretty much working non stop and tried his hand at welding school but did not like it. Is now working part time at Dunkin Donuts close to home and signed up for 2 years of college in January for computer networking. He feels he is above that job since he is 24 but it is what it is.

    I have had a bad feeling about his drinking on and off but always thought it was just my PTSD and maybe I was worrying for nothing but I did see an increase. My husband was a heavy beer drinker when he was in his 20's and he's fine and I am the type that always draws on everything so I can analyze the hell out of it. It's his history.

    Son is very bored with only working part time waiting for school to start. He has not made any friends and is still communicating on line with ex girlfriend who I think is a nasty person. She is not allowed in our home any longer after she went nuts when he broke up with her. His reasoning is that "she is better than not having anyone to talk to". Maybe at times but long term she is not. He knows this.

    Last night he was in his room and drinking heavily. We both confronted him knowing there is not much point in talking a lot when he is drunk. He feels better talking to me about things than his dad. We both discussed him not being able to live with us if he is going to behave this way. He later said that he needs help and would like to get on something for depression and anxiety so he does not drink and self medicate. It was VERY upsetting to us to say the least. Been there/done that.

    Today he was sick and did not go to work. Big surprise. He is going to the ER to see if he can get something to start taking for depression. It is impossible to get in to see a psychiatrist here for months so this is the best way.

    He also agreed to go to a church support group on Sunday evenings starting this weekend. If he does both hopefully things will not deteriorate further. We do have to figure out next steps if he continues on this path but I am glad that he may realize that he has some type of imbalance but who knows.
     
  2. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    I know you are scared and I feel for you. I am always struck by your posts because your son sounds so similar to mine.

    My son has been back at home for a year and we had a period where he was drinking up in his room and getting drunk. We had a few confrontations when he was drunk and that did not go well. He said he was depressed and wanted to kill himself . I feel very wrong in saying this but it seems that its a thing he says when he is not sober and has been caught in our home. He created this big awful chaotic situation about 3 times and then when sober in the am, acts like nothing has happened. The last time this happened about a month ago, he admitted he needed help and promised to get some. We made it clear we would help him and offered many ideas but he ultimately we are here and he hasn't gotten help. Yet, the drinking seems to have stopped for now. I believe that he self medicates because he is lost in what he is going to do in his life. All of his peers chose the path of college and moved to campus. He has alienated himself from all of his past friends and his path is a lot less clear. Thankfully, he has a very good job and seems to like it as far as jobs go. He does it because he knows he has to have money. He gets up everyday and works a full day and that is our big reason why we continue to allow him to live at home. Also, he goes through these periods of messing up but always pulls himself out and does a bit better the next time. As long as he is moving forward we try to remain supportive.

    I thought I'd look into the online therapy option for someone for him to talk to. Curious if your son goes to therapy?
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Starting

    Thanks for your post. Wow it does sound like my story! He just got prescribed Zoloft so hoping that will help but I know the SSRI's take a long time to work. He said he'd go to a group through our church that is on Sunday at 5pm. I hope he follows through. We are going to force the issue.

    He has not gone to any therapy in a year and seemed fine but once things fell apart he went back to self medicating. Our son does not want to be alone which is hard for us. We canceled an overnight trip to New Orleans and that was before this happened. I want to say "get a life" but that sounds mean. I know depression can keep you from doing things so hopefully he will feel better soon. Husband and I like going out and doing things and taking trips but for now we are going to stay close to home. I feel like we're being punished!

    He seems to be looking forward to school, even said so this AM so I am hoping and praying it is a good diversion for him and will help him feel better about himself.
     
  4. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    Great that he was able to get medication so quickly by going to the ER. We have been down the medication path more times than I care to remember and the waiting for a pysch appointment is an all too familiar hell. I hope this helps your son. I am sure the wait for school to start is very anxiety provoking and also lonely. The job that my son has is computer technical support. Although he says he doesn't want to do this forever, it seems to be an excellent fit. He can work at his own pace and mostly on his own figuring things out. However, he also has to interact with people which is so important for the natural inclination he has to isolate himself. And the potential for job growth is unlimited.

    I googled online therapy for substance abuse and actually hit upon an online IOP (intensive outpatient program?) for substances. I am going to look into further. I have also heard of talk therapy online (I think Michael Phelps promotes) which might be good too. I have always felt the counseling was important. Unfortunately when my son's therapist moved, he stopped going.

    Its hard having such involvement in son's life when I feel he should be doing these things himself. "Grow up" is what rings in my head often.

    I pray things settle down and school brings a feeling of pride and success to your son. Seems he has worked really really hard to get himself to where he is.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thank you for saying that. Yes he did and I reminded him of that but when he screws up it's hard to remember that. I didn't know how far down he would go.

    I did tell him that every day is a new beginning and that goes for any of us.

    I wish the best for you also. This is the hard truth of how addiction works and I post the truth because I want people to know what really goes on. It's not black and white on how we handle these things, it's all grays to me.
     
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi RN...
    I'm glad to hear your son is giving an antidepressant an opportunity to help him.
    You know it's amazing to me but really shouldn't surprise me. My son has access to All free psychiatric medications but so far insists that none help him! Still he chooses a substance from a smoke shop that he insists helps him...sigh.

    I hope your son will start going to the support group at church regularly and will gain a positive outlook on his upcoming educational plans!

    Hang in there RN
    LMS
     
  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Is online therapy covered by insurance?
     
  8. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Oh, RN, I am so sorry for the tailspin in your lives. I hope the antidepressant kicks in quickly for him . My daughter has been through so many medications and they always seem to stop working.

    I think being satisfied with ones life is very important. Disliking the job and having to wait for school is frustrating and coupled with isolation, it's easy for coping mechanisms to kick back up.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    In January our insurance does offer an online doctor so maybe he can do online therapy. I was very quiet last night. WIPED OUT. But he has to do something MORE than just taking a pill.

    I just am praying that college fills his void. I know he does not feel good about himself. He thinks that I think he is a scumbag. I have never said that to him, yet he has said that to me many times. I am not sure where he even got that word. I do have very high standards but that is just how I am and I'm not changing because having high standards is a good thing. I hold myself to high standards as well.
     
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    RN, he is transposing how he feels about himself onto you. He probably heard the word a lot in rehab and is owning it because he slipped. I would not take it personally. It is in my opinion how he is feeling about himself which is hopeful since he doesn't seem to want to be that way.

    Blessings.
     
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  11. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Addicts feel not good enough. It's nobodys fault. It's how we perceive ourselves. Our problem is how we react to the our circuncircums not our circumstances. It is mental disorder, a sickness.

    My only known remedy is the medicine I take through my ears at an AA or NA meeting. The answer to the overgrowth of the ego that is addiction is spiritual principles. I have to have them in my life by working the steps, by having a relationship with a higher power, and by being of service to other Alcoholics.

    Addicts feel there is something inheritently wrong with them .I used to feel like I had these holes inside and I needed to fill them. I tried stuffing the holes with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, people - anything outside of myself. The answer was inside all along. The holes fill up with a power greater than ourselves and his/her/it's love. When I feel whole, there is no need and no desire to try to fix myself by hurting myself.
     
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  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes this is something young people need to learn.

    We can only offer him our love and support. He has to figure this out on his own just like you did. They all do. Some take longer than others and they all have to do it their own way in their own time.

    I think my son is figuring things out but it is not on my timetable.
     
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  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    My son also tends to say that he wants to commit suicide when he is drunk or angry. Sometimes i feel rather callus because i do not get as upset and react. Still worry that one day he might carry through though. He also promises he will go to counceling and get medications. Unfortunately he doesn't carry through. I hope that your son does carry through and is succesful.
     
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    He is taking his medications. Waiting for him to see a therapist or go to church group. Seriously I am afraid to ask because if he says no to both then what do I say?

    He said he is not drinking for a while. He should not drink at all on Zoloft obviously. I told him that if he ever does again it should not be much or often. I am being realistic. I cannot control him. He has to learn to do this.

    He did excellent when he was busy. He will be busy in January with school. Husband is taking him to see campus today.
     
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  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So this weekend my son told me that he does not want to commit to the 2 year junior college program. He did not like the look of the campus. He felt anxiety when he saw it. My husband said they did not even get out of the car BUT we know our son and he is not the type to stick to something that WE force on him.

    He then said that he would join the National Guard. What??!! Wow that came out of nowhere. I had told him he should for a long time and then I gave up. So this was a shock. He knows that at 26 he can no longer be on our insurance but he just turned 24 so it is a ways off. However we have been on him to figure out his future so maybe he finally started seriously thinking about it. We want him to have some security and stability.

    He then said he'd look at a smaller junior college in Fairhope, AL which is a lovely town near us but they do not offer the same classes as the junior college that is a bit farther.

    I can only hope and pray that he finds his footing while in the National Guard. He will have to leave for ten weeks of training then go away once per month. Maybe something he gets out of this program will ignite something in him. I can only hope.

    My husband is taking him to talk to the recruiters on Wednesday when he gets back from his business trip. My son said he wants to work at Dunkin Donuts for a while. That starting things and not finishing them are not good for him. Well that was a revelation. However we want him to leave after the holidays although we are not sure when they would actually leave for training or any of those other details. There really is NO reason for him to delay this. He is not doing anything with his life here except working part time at Dunkin Donuts and being home with us. If he were I'd be more inclined to delay him joining. Even if he were dating a nice girl. Even if he had a hobby. ANYTHING.

    I am not sure why he thinks he has so much time to do nothing. I already told him he is behind others that are his age who have already graduated from college. I know it's not a competition but let's get going on moving forward!!
     
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  16. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    What good news!
     
  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    How did his visit with the recruiters go, RN?
     
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Albie

    They kind of scared him by saying that they will "scream in his face" and can he handle that etc. And there will be very anxiety ridden situations. Scared the crap out of him. My son is not frail. He is 6' tall and very broad shouldered. He can be intimidating himself if he can just swallow his fear.

    He is still taking the test on Monday anyway. It is good for 2 years. My husband can be very intimidating and does not back down to anyone. He told son that if he can handle him, he should be fine. It's not like they can beat him up or anything. Husband said to pretend it's your dad and say "yes, sir" and move on.

    Son now said he'll start college in January at the campus he originally did not want to go to and think about joining if he grows a pair he says. He can join any time but will have to go away for 10 weeks to train so if he is in school he'd have to go in the summer. He has not written it off so that is good. We are going to continue to encourage him to go. I think it will help him grow up. We feel that he CAN do this and it will be so good to have all the benefits later in life.

    I had my own meltdown yesterday. Just told son that he always wants to take the easy way out. That he has anxiety and won't do anything about it. I had found a therapist for him a few weeks ago and he never made an appointment. He finally made an appointment for Tuesday. He is going to have to do all of these things if he wants to live with us. I cannot stand a 24 year old not working oh himself and his future. That gives ME terrible anxiety.

    Today is a new day.
     
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think this is a way to cope. I do it. I try to lose my consciousness in something mindless, and that's how I settle myself internally. It's a way to deal with anxiety, sadness. Not a good way, though.

    I had missed your thread RN. I am sorry.

    The structure and brotherhood and meaning at the faith-based program was so good for him. He thrived there. Maybe he would respond to the National Guard in the same way. What about the regular military? Has he considered that?
     
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Copa

    We did talk to him about the Coast Guard. We are on the coast! Mobile is one of their hubs. He feels like they will "own you". I am hoping that through being in the National Guard he will perhaps like the military, get more self confidence and then want to join later on. That is what happened to my brother. He joined national guard and then the army and finally the air force.

    We are going to my friend's farm for Thanksgiving. Her husband is a pilot and was also a sheriff. He is now a VP for a large company in Montgomery, AL (thus her leaving the position at my company). He was in the national guard also and was going to be a recruiter.

    We are going to have him talk to my son about WHY they try to break you. My son has been broken already so he needs to find the strength that he used when at Teen Challenge. Anyone will tell you how hard THAT program is to finish. They are both Christians so a better role model does not exist! I am praying that he will do this.
     
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