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Failure to Thrive
At a Loss and Worried Sick about 22-yr old son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 744345" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I am sorry this is happening. The stress your son had in high school was not unusual. Its typical actually for seniors to have to make those decisions and doesnt explain his behavior now. He had no traima. Most kids are nervous going away to college and Moms are nervous. Again nothing unusial. He was doing what most college kids do with the same stress. It was his choice to go away to school, right?</p><p></p><p>First off this is not your mess and nothing you say will change anything if he doesnt want to change it. That is our mantra here and its true. What you DO differently may help. Words, no. Empty threats? Nada. You have to follow through even if he throws a toddler tantrum and begs and swears he will do better.Make him prove it for a year.</p><p> </p><p></p><p>What consequenves did he face for stealing? If none, he will do it again.Hitting his girlfiend will land him in jail. If he assaulted her and she was my daighter the police would have been called. There IS no excuse for assault. Not stress. Not anger. Nothing. Id worry more that he will seriously hurt someone else than suicide.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A few ideas: Make him come home for college and if he is still passing college, insist you will only help with money at a home town school and that you have to see that he is passing all his subjects or he is on his own financially. No rent. No anything.</p><p></p><p> Many college kids work jobs plus go to school. This is school, not a carnival. Not a place to become dependent on alcohol. Not a place to punch your gorlfriend, speed, or do other crimes.</p><p></p><p>Do not get him a lawyer for his ticket or he will do what he wants....its Mommy to the rescue. HE NEEDS CONSEQUENCES or everything he is doing will get worse. Trust that. He has you picking up his messes and he is an adult and needs to know this stops now.</p><p></p><p>He can also take out loans like my daughters did. You in my opinion shound not fund him to play house with his girlfriend, fight, and get drunk. That isnt what they go to college for.</p><p></p><p>Maybe he needs to take a few years off and work, paying his own bills. Not everyone is responsible or mature enough for college on schedule. Some drop out. There goes your money. Does he have a goal in mind for after college? Is he passionate about it? Sounds like he doesnt try hard.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, you say you are familiar with alcoholsm because of your husband and daughter. Im really sorry that you are so up close and personal with this ugly disease but you do know the pattern behaviors, and what has not worked. So you know more than most of us when we dealt with our first addict. Take your knowledge and use it, little though it may be.</p><p></p><p>Are you in therapy and Al Anon? I used both. My daughter quit using over a decade ago but I still remember how it helped to have real time support.Do you also still live with husband and daughter? Why is alcohol in the house at all? Do they demand it?</p><p></p><p>That is a lot of addiction.on your plate. At the same time, none of this is your fault nor are you capable of fixing them. You need peace and love and friendship aside from all the addicts or you will become ill. You deserve to move on and live life to your fullest, even if your loved ones are making poor choices. They are not your messes to fix.</p><p></p><p>The only thing I truly recommend is letting them all find their money away from you. Or not. You are not The Bank of Mom. You will need that money one day and handing rent out to alcoholics is like throwing it in the wind. It isnt your responsibility to make sure its fair with sons girlfriend.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, Son needs to pay, not you. Or they need to find other living arrangements or break up. They will likely break up anyway. Your son is not ready to commit to a relationship. Mom still pays his bills. He is unstsble. He could never be a good hisband right now.</p><p></p><p>If you end up broke and homeless, no.addict will come to your aid. You need to take care of YOU first. Your family are all adults now. Their choices and ways of getting money is on them. They can try working. Please be good to yourself.</p><p></p><p>Love and light!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 744345, member: 1550"] Hi. I am sorry this is happening. The stress your son had in high school was not unusual. Its typical actually for seniors to have to make those decisions and doesnt explain his behavior now. He had no traima. Most kids are nervous going away to college and Moms are nervous. Again nothing unusial. He was doing what most college kids do with the same stress. It was his choice to go away to school, right? First off this is not your mess and nothing you say will change anything if he doesnt want to change it. That is our mantra here and its true. What you DO differently may help. Words, no. Empty threats? Nada. You have to follow through even if he throws a toddler tantrum and begs and swears he will do better.Make him prove it for a year. What consequenves did he face for stealing? If none, he will do it again.Hitting his girlfiend will land him in jail. If he assaulted her and she was my daighter the police would have been called. There IS no excuse for assault. Not stress. Not anger. Nothing. Id worry more that he will seriously hurt someone else than suicide. A few ideas: Make him come home for college and if he is still passing college, insist you will only help with money at a home town school and that you have to see that he is passing all his subjects or he is on his own financially. No rent. No anything. Many college kids work jobs plus go to school. This is school, not a carnival. Not a place to become dependent on alcohol. Not a place to punch your gorlfriend, speed, or do other crimes. Do not get him a lawyer for his ticket or he will do what he wants....its Mommy to the rescue. HE NEEDS CONSEQUENCES or everything he is doing will get worse. Trust that. He has you picking up his messes and he is an adult and needs to know this stops now. He can also take out loans like my daughters did. You in my opinion shound not fund him to play house with his girlfriend, fight, and get drunk. That isnt what they go to college for. Maybe he needs to take a few years off and work, paying his own bills. Not everyone is responsible or mature enough for college on schedule. Some drop out. There goes your money. Does he have a goal in mind for after college? Is he passionate about it? Sounds like he doesnt try hard. Secondly, you say you are familiar with alcoholsm because of your husband and daughter. Im really sorry that you are so up close and personal with this ugly disease but you do know the pattern behaviors, and what has not worked. So you know more than most of us when we dealt with our first addict. Take your knowledge and use it, little though it may be. Are you in therapy and Al Anon? I used both. My daughter quit using over a decade ago but I still remember how it helped to have real time support.Do you also still live with husband and daughter? Why is alcohol in the house at all? Do they demand it? That is a lot of addiction.on your plate. At the same time, none of this is your fault nor are you capable of fixing them. You need peace and love and friendship aside from all the addicts or you will become ill. You deserve to move on and live life to your fullest, even if your loved ones are making poor choices. They are not your messes to fix. The only thing I truly recommend is letting them all find their money away from you. Or not. You are not The Bank of Mom. You will need that money one day and handing rent out to alcoholics is like throwing it in the wind. It isnt your responsibility to make sure its fair with sons girlfriend. At any rate, Son needs to pay, not you. Or they need to find other living arrangements or break up. They will likely break up anyway. Your son is not ready to commit to a relationship. Mom still pays his bills. He is unstsble. He could never be a good hisband right now. If you end up broke and homeless, no.addict will come to your aid. You need to take care of YOU first. Your family are all adults now. Their choices and ways of getting money is on them. They can try working. Please be good to yourself. Love and light! [/QUOTE]
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At a Loss and Worried Sick about 22-yr old son
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