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Failure to Thrive
At a Loss and Worried Sick about 22-yr old son
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 759598" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi! Welcome! I am sorry that you needed to seek us out, but I am glad we are here for you. I completely agree that the stresses your son faced were fairly typical for high school kids and college kids, especially in the first year or two. Most people learn to cope with these stressors. Your son found a way to cope, but it isn't helpful in any way. I would cut out any money you give him. If there is a bill to pay, pay it directly to the company. Do not give your son any money. If he wants something, he can earn it. Especially as he isn't really going to class or studying. </p><p></p><p>All you can do is enforce limits. You are on the hook for his rent, and maybe other bills. Make that all the support he gets from you. I worked through college. I also had a baby in college, and I was a wife, mother, employee and student. No, it wasn't a lot of fun all the time. But millions of people make it through college. If your son doesn't want to go to college, what does he want to do? If you don't agree with what he wants to do, cut off the money. My parents always told me that we had to go to school or work full time after high school. Period. Sitting around all day was an immediate road to paying all your own bills and moving out. My parents didn't care where we went if we refused to help ourselves build a life. They couldn't do it for us. They couldn't control us. But they could control where their money went and who lived in their home. That is pretty much where you are. He needs to be cut loose to figure it out for himself. I am glad you urged the girlfriend to leave him. As he has been abusive to her, you may want to be on hand when she finally moves out. Not so much for him, but for her. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous thing many women ever do. And if you are there, your son is less likely to end up in jail or prison for hurting her. Yes, I am aware of how hard it is to think and plan this way when your child is the violent one. I was there for many years. This is how I know it is better to be there or arrange to have someone there than it is to deal with the aftermath. </p><p></p><p>Please go to AlAnon or NarAnon family meetings. They will help you cope with all of this. I found them to be incredibly helpful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 759598, member: 1233"] Hi! Welcome! I am sorry that you needed to seek us out, but I am glad we are here for you. I completely agree that the stresses your son faced were fairly typical for high school kids and college kids, especially in the first year or two. Most people learn to cope with these stressors. Your son found a way to cope, but it isn't helpful in any way. I would cut out any money you give him. If there is a bill to pay, pay it directly to the company. Do not give your son any money. If he wants something, he can earn it. Especially as he isn't really going to class or studying. All you can do is enforce limits. You are on the hook for his rent, and maybe other bills. Make that all the support he gets from you. I worked through college. I also had a baby in college, and I was a wife, mother, employee and student. No, it wasn't a lot of fun all the time. But millions of people make it through college. If your son doesn't want to go to college, what does he want to do? If you don't agree with what he wants to do, cut off the money. My parents always told me that we had to go to school or work full time after high school. Period. Sitting around all day was an immediate road to paying all your own bills and moving out. My parents didn't care where we went if we refused to help ourselves build a life. They couldn't do it for us. They couldn't control us. But they could control where their money went and who lived in their home. That is pretty much where you are. He needs to be cut loose to figure it out for himself. I am glad you urged the girlfriend to leave him. As he has been abusive to her, you may want to be on hand when she finally moves out. Not so much for him, but for her. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous thing many women ever do. And if you are there, your son is less likely to end up in jail or prison for hurting her. Yes, I am aware of how hard it is to think and plan this way when your child is the violent one. I was there for many years. This is how I know it is better to be there or arrange to have someone there than it is to deal with the aftermath. Please go to AlAnon or NarAnon family meetings. They will help you cope with all of this. I found them to be incredibly helpful. [/QUOTE]
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At a Loss and Worried Sick about 22-yr old son
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