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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756500" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Look, Overwhelmed. I would guess you and I are not the only ones who wanted children believing we could give them what we needed as children, and did not get. And then, when our kids did not redeem us and our lives (I'm speaking only for me here) it felt like a cruel joke.</p><p></p><p>There is no parent alive who parents perfectly or raises perfect children. There are no perfect people. How could we do anything perfectly, let alone the hardest job in the world?</p><p></p><p>When people become adults, if they're not seriously and profoundly disabled or ill, they become responsible for themselves, what they become and the consequences of their acts. While it may be easy to blame parents and to hold them responsible, and many parents are all too willing to step in and catch the blame and take responsibility, this is a cop out and a poor way to live a life.</p><p></p><p>Our job here in this forum is to learn to stop catching the hot potato of responsibility, for our adult children. Especially, when they are abusing us or when their treatment of us, or their behavior generally is causing us to harm ourselves through fear, obligation and guilt, self-blame and self-hatred.</p><p></p><p> Self-blame and self-hatred (and the depression that comes with them) have been described as anger turned against the self.</p><p></p><p>This is what's happening here. Whether or not we feel the anger right now, oh boy, is there anger!! When the air gets moving, the anger will show up. It's just fine to feel it. But not against yourself.</p><p></p><p>Nobody did everything right. Believe me. Nobody.</p><p>Look. I spent my whole life trying to be a model everything so that I would deserve love and care and acceptance. What I was defending against was a basic sense of inadequacy based on the sense that there was nowhere I could get what I needed as a person, what I had needed and craved as a child.</p><p></p><p>A few years ago I went to a neighboring city to a religious group of my faith. M and I traveled by train and paid big bucks to stay at hotels. I was thrilled at being with people of my faith, from a perspective that was very healing and profound. The opportunity for study was offered, and I was thrilled at the chance to participate.</p><p></p><p>The woman who was the coordinator seemed to spurn me, although she knew me not at all. (Maybe 3 words had been spoken.) There was some deception involved that is beside the point. And then she sent me an email with this phrase: <em>I don't think that what you are looking for will ever be available here. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>This was maybe three and a half years ago. When I think of it still the pain feels like a stab in the heart. I thought of it again today. Why? Because I saw on the website of this congregation that they don't turn away anybody. And guess what? As I was watering my 35 fruit trees (babies) I had this thought: <em>If I was more fragile than I am I could have killed myself over this hurt.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I could not believe this thought had come to my brain. Because I've never been suicidal and I have never wanted to hurt or kill myself.</p><p></p><p>And it's only now writing this post, that I am forced to take my own medicine. I am enraged at that woman for rejecting me when my heart was full of love of G-d and I was seeking only community and to learn about my faith. I could bop her on the head with a mop (I'm thinking of worse, actually, but I don't want you to think ill of me.) But I don't use a mop. I use a Swiffer.</p><p></p><p>I HATE HER. But at the root of it, this woman means nothing. She is only a stand in for others who did not come through for me in the way I needed.</p><p></p><p>These dynamics with our children bring up all of this in spades. Whether or not we're aware of it.</p><p></p><p>But this is NOT the time for analysis. This is the time for FRESH AIR. For mindless novels. (I like Louis L'Amour westerns, because there are 120 of them that are all the same. And the good guy almost always gets the girl. And right eventually prevails. Why do I say this? Because we have a right to make our lives so that they have happy endings. We have a right to make every day have a happy ending. To banish sadness and get bad guys out of the story. We have a right to have happy thoughts and happy talk. These are our stories!! We can write them as we wish. You have this right! So do I.</p><p></p><p>So, let's make a pact. A happy story pact. To try every day to live a happy story. And that will begin with learning to get some control over our thoughts and methods to banish ill feeling through learning what helps us stabilize our nervous system and regain calm and a sense of well-being. There are all kinds of ways. Different things work better or not for each of us, but some things that work for me are meditation, exercise, music, cooking, artwork.</p><p></p><p>If you stay on this forum and come every day or most days in time you will get the support and the counsel to get control over your living space, your relationships, and your life. I think every single person here who has come here regularly knows what it feels like to be you. We've been there and we're learning how to air out our lives, and to take control of our stories. I hope you stay with us. We need you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756500, member: 18958"] Look, Overwhelmed. I would guess you and I are not the only ones who wanted children believing we could give them what we needed as children, and did not get. And then, when our kids did not redeem us and our lives (I'm speaking only for me here) it felt like a cruel joke. There is no parent alive who parents perfectly or raises perfect children. There are no perfect people. How could we do anything perfectly, let alone the hardest job in the world? When people become adults, if they're not seriously and profoundly disabled or ill, they become responsible for themselves, what they become and the consequences of their acts. While it may be easy to blame parents and to hold them responsible, and many parents are all too willing to step in and catch the blame and take responsibility, this is a cop out and a poor way to live a life. Our job here in this forum is to learn to stop catching the hot potato of responsibility, for our adult children. Especially, when they are abusing us or when their treatment of us, or their behavior generally is causing us to harm ourselves through fear, obligation and guilt, self-blame and self-hatred. Self-blame and self-hatred (and the depression that comes with them) have been described as anger turned against the self. This is what's happening here. Whether or not we feel the anger right now, oh boy, is there anger!! When the air gets moving, the anger will show up. It's just fine to feel it. But not against yourself. Nobody did everything right. Believe me. Nobody. Look. I spent my whole life trying to be a model everything so that I would deserve love and care and acceptance. What I was defending against was a basic sense of inadequacy based on the sense that there was nowhere I could get what I needed as a person, what I had needed and craved as a child. A few years ago I went to a neighboring city to a religious group of my faith. M and I traveled by train and paid big bucks to stay at hotels. I was thrilled at being with people of my faith, from a perspective that was very healing and profound. The opportunity for study was offered, and I was thrilled at the chance to participate. The woman who was the coordinator seemed to spurn me, although she knew me not at all. (Maybe 3 words had been spoken.) There was some deception involved that is beside the point. And then she sent me an email with this phrase: [I]I don't think that what you are looking for will ever be available here. [/I] This was maybe three and a half years ago. When I think of it still the pain feels like a stab in the heart. I thought of it again today. Why? Because I saw on the website of this congregation that they don't turn away anybody. And guess what? As I was watering my 35 fruit trees (babies) I had this thought: [I]If I was more fragile than I am I could have killed myself over this hurt. [/I] I could not believe this thought had come to my brain. Because I've never been suicidal and I have never wanted to hurt or kill myself. And it's only now writing this post, that I am forced to take my own medicine. I am enraged at that woman for rejecting me when my heart was full of love of G-d and I was seeking only community and to learn about my faith. I could bop her on the head with a mop (I'm thinking of worse, actually, but I don't want you to think ill of me.) But I don't use a mop. I use a Swiffer. I HATE HER. But at the root of it, this woman means nothing. She is only a stand in for others who did not come through for me in the way I needed. These dynamics with our children bring up all of this in spades. Whether or not we're aware of it. But this is NOT the time for analysis. This is the time for FRESH AIR. For mindless novels. (I like Louis L'Amour westerns, because there are 120 of them that are all the same. And the good guy almost always gets the girl. And right eventually prevails. Why do I say this? Because we have a right to make our lives so that they have happy endings. We have a right to make every day have a happy ending. To banish sadness and get bad guys out of the story. We have a right to have happy thoughts and happy talk. These are our stories!! We can write them as we wish. You have this right! So do I. So, let's make a pact. A happy story pact. To try every day to live a happy story. And that will begin with learning to get some control over our thoughts and methods to banish ill feeling through learning what helps us stabilize our nervous system and regain calm and a sense of well-being. There are all kinds of ways. Different things work better or not for each of us, but some things that work for me are meditation, exercise, music, cooking, artwork. If you stay on this forum and come every day or most days in time you will get the support and the counsel to get control over your living space, your relationships, and your life. I think every single person here who has come here regularly knows what it feels like to be you. We've been there and we're learning how to air out our lives, and to take control of our stories. I hope you stay with us. We need you. [/QUOTE]
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