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At My Witt's End
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756678" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I support you and I admire what you're doing. I want to say one thing. There is the sense of empowerment, and there is the reality of safety, of having control over our space. As long as our adult children are there in our space, with the potential to control it, and to threaten us and to hurt us, we are not empowered, and we are not safe. When they have yelled at us, threatened property damage, or destroyed doors, walls, refrigerators, thrown things, or squatted, they have already decided NOT to go quietly. The horse is already out of the barn at this point. I would argue that the horse is already out of the barn with your son.</p><p></p><p>You gave him the gift of an opportunity to choose again, after he stormed into your room, even though he has a documented history of violence and threat against you leading to arrest. In my view he does not need another opportunity to choose to act right. Not at your expense.</p><p></p><p>The question is this: How many opportunities do you want to give him to get this together, that is, to stop threatening you or god forbid hurting you? Every time when I asked my son, please do not do this, I reinforced the reality that he was in control. I rewarded the very behavior I sought to stop. I rewarded him for disregarding my boundaries. I showed him he could keep doing what he was doing without consequence. I gave him a chance, the opportunity to do it again. And he did.</p><p></p><p>Every word we utter to our children after they have acted violently, aggressively, rewards this behavior. We show them that we are afraid of them, or afraid of hurting them, or afraid of responding proactively to them or afraid of letting authorities know what is happening to us, in our homes. This empowers the behavior we seek to stop.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756678, member: 18958"] I support you and I admire what you're doing. I want to say one thing. There is the sense of empowerment, and there is the reality of safety, of having control over our space. As long as our adult children are there in our space, with the potential to control it, and to threaten us and to hurt us, we are not empowered, and we are not safe. When they have yelled at us, threatened property damage, or destroyed doors, walls, refrigerators, thrown things, or squatted, they have already decided NOT to go quietly. The horse is already out of the barn at this point. I would argue that the horse is already out of the barn with your son. You gave him the gift of an opportunity to choose again, after he stormed into your room, even though he has a documented history of violence and threat against you leading to arrest. In my view he does not need another opportunity to choose to act right. Not at your expense. The question is this: How many opportunities do you want to give him to get this together, that is, to stop threatening you or god forbid hurting you? Every time when I asked my son, please do not do this, I reinforced the reality that he was in control. I rewarded the very behavior I sought to stop. I rewarded him for disregarding my boundaries. I showed him he could keep doing what he was doing without consequence. I gave him a chance, the opportunity to do it again. And he did. Every word we utter to our children after they have acted violently, aggressively, rewards this behavior. We show them that we are afraid of them, or afraid of hurting them, or afraid of responding proactively to them or afraid of letting authorities know what is happening to us, in our homes. This empowers the behavior we seek to stop. [/QUOTE]
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