At Wits End

RainyDayTx

New Member
My mom & step-dad adopted my nephew, we will call him Kiddo, at a young age. He has been diagnosed as Asperger and Oppositional Defiant. In elementary school he would have a "melt-down", which in reality was him throwing a fit because he did not get his way, and was given whatever he wanted to get him to calm down. At home he was coddled and told it was ok instead of learning that actions have consequences.

A few years ago, grandpa passed away unexpectedly. Ever since Kiddo has been obsessed with bringing him back from the dead. His behavior has become unbearable. He thinks that his councilors will "get the family back together" by bringing dad back from the dead. Anytime he is in trouble he throws him into mom's face claiming that things wouldn't be like this if he was alive and that he would be able to do what ever he wanted, etc. He even accused her of being the reason he died!

He constantly "fires", trying to kick people out of the house & tries to remove people from the family that he does not like; me in-particular. If you try to explain why his behavior is inappropriate he turns everything around so it is someone else's fault. His aide at school "thinks and says he is perfect and doesn't need to change anything" and everyone else is wrong and should pay. He becomes angry and wants to get his revenge on people he does not like. He will raise his hand as if he is going to punch someone. He tries to parent is sister. Yells, screams, and threatens others. Claims he needs a break anytime he is asked or reminded to do something that he does not want to. Tells others they need anger management and so much more. His diet consist of 3 different carbs, nothing healthy. He refuses to take any pill form medication. Even at the doctors office he has to be pinned down to get his vaccinations or bloodwork; there is literally no other way.

He refuses to help with household chores and will say to make his sister do it because he is busy. Yes I understand that he has problems, but not all of his outbursts are from Aspergers or the OD. Even a children's psychiatric that he seen around 8 told them that the majority of his problem is being spoiled. But they did not want to listen and continued to coddle him. Now she is paying for it.

A few weeks ago, he became mad and began hitting mom & punched a hole in the wall. She refuses to put him into a care facility, but he is a danger to her. He has also started jerking on her arm and hitting while she is driving, almost causing an accident several times.

I do not know what to do any more. I am scared that he is going to finally loose it and will hurt her or someone else. If something happens to her, both he and his sister come into my care. I can't even go over there with out him getting mad and yelling at me to get out of the house and that he doesn't want me there and I am not part of the family. All because I will not put up with the bad behavior. I do not know what to do. Please help.
 

runawaybunny

Administrator
Staff member
My mom & step-dad adopted my nephew, we will call him Kiddo, at a young age. He has been diagnosed as Asperger and Oppositional Defiant. In elementary school he would have a "melt-down", which in reality was him throwing a fit because he did not get his way, and was given whatever he wanted to get him to calm down. At home he was coddled and told it was ok instead of learning that actions have consequences.

A few years ago, grandpa passed away unexpectedly. Ever since Kiddo has been obsessed with bringing him back from the dead. His behavior has become unbearable. He thinks that his councilors will "get the family back together" by bringing dad back from the dead. Anytime he is in trouble he throws him into mom's face claiming that things wouldn't be like this if he was alive and that he would be able to do what ever he wanted, etc. He even accused her of being the reason he died!

He constantly "fires", trying to kick people out of the house & tries to remove people from the family that he does not like; me in-particular. If you try to explain why his behavior is inappropriate he turns everything around so it is someone else's fault. His aide at school "thinks and says he is perfect and doesn't need to change anything" and everyone else is wrong and should pay. He becomes angry and wants to get his revenge on people he does not like. He will raise his hand as if he is going to punch someone. He tries to parent is sister. Yells, screams, and threatens others. Claims he needs a break anytime he is asked or reminded to do something that he does not want to. Tells others they need anger management and so much more. His diet consist of 3 different carbs, nothing healthy. He refuses to take any pill form medication. Even at the doctors office he has to be pinned down to get his vaccinations or bloodwork; there is literally no other way.

He refuses to help with household chores and will say to make his sister do it because he is busy. Yes I understand that he has problems, but not all of his outbursts are from Aspergers or the OD. Even a children's psychiatric that he seen around 8 told them that the majority of his problem is being spoiled. But they did not want to listen and continued to coddle him. Now she is paying for it.

A few weeks ago, he became mad and began hitting mom & punched a hole in the wall. She refuses to put him into a care facility, but he is a danger to her. He has also started jerking on her arm and hitting while she is driving, almost causing an accident several times.

I do not know what to do any more. I am scared that he is going to finally loose it and will hurt her or someone else. If something happens to her, both he and his sister come into my care. I can't even go over there with out him getting mad and yelling at me to get out of the house and that he doesn't want me there and I am not part of the family. All because I will not put up with the bad behavior. I do not know what to do. Please help.
Oh boy, that's a tough one.

To me it seems like Kiddo needs more professional help, and your mom and step-dad could some too. Just to provide them with some direction and logical ideas to manage Kiddo's anger etc, keeping emotion out of it.

Here are some links that may be helpful:



 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hello Rainy and Welcome

I think your role in this is limited. Your parents are making decisions that they feel are the correct ones. I think you could go to them and tell them that you are concerned, for their welfare, for Kiddo, and for the family. You could ask them if they want your help and your feedback. I agree with RB that you could suggest therapy, for all concerned. You could also ask if they want your help to locate support and resouces.

If they are not open to your help I think your option would be to limit contact where Kiddo is around. The other option is to ask your parents to withdraw you as a guardian or responsible for Kiddo, if they pass.

However concerned you are (and the situation is indeed concerning) it's your parent's responsibility to handle and to resolve this situation, as long as they are not being abused themselves. If you believe your mother, for example, is not competent due to age for example to make adequate decisions, this would be different; this would be considered abuse. But if you acted to involve authorities, this could create even greater problems.

Bottom line you're concerned about your parents, and everybody can understand this. You are motivated by love and care. The thing is as long as your parents are competent and their care of Kiddo is legally adequate, your decision-making role, as I see it, is limited. You would be limited to suggesting and supporting them, which I would assume you are already doing.

I don't know if others suggested this, but maybe your parents would be open to posting. All of us here were in their shoes. Maybe they might consider reading and posting. It's often easier to hear "strangers," people outside of the family who share a common plight, who don't know you and who you are unlikely ever to meet.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
How old is kiddo now? I agree with Copa, you are limited in what you can make happen.

Is the pediatrician helpful? Does he see issues with kiddos behavior? Are their mental health issues in his family tree? We're drugs are alcohol used by his biomom during the pregnancy? Has he had a thorough work up?

When you say that "grandpa" died do you mean your step dad? Or kiddos actual grandpa?

I really have nothing to offer but understand how difficult this is to watch unfold. Ksm
 

RainyDayTx

New Member
Oh boy, that's a tough one.

To me it seems like Kiddo needs more professional help, and your mom and step-dad could some too. Just to provide them with some direction and logical ideas to manage Kiddo's anger etc, keeping emotion out of it.
Thank you for the links. I will pass them onto her. I agree that he does need more professional help. She currently takes them to a psychiatrist who only provides medications and has in-home counseling, but it does not seem to do any good. Over a year ago, I took the time to complete what seemed like 50 pages of paperwork to get both him & his sister into the psychiatric at Tx Children's, with her permission of course, hoping that they would be better suited to help. Mom then changed her mind because she did not want to wait the six months to get them in.

Hello Rainy and Welcome

I think your role in this is limited. Your parents are making decisions that they feel are the correct ones. I think you could go to them and tell them that you are concerned, for their welfare, for Kiddo, and for the family. You could ask them if they want your help and your feedback. I agree with RB that you could suggest therapy, for all concerned. You could also ask if they want your help to locate support and resouces.

If they are not open to your help I think your option would be to limit contact where Kiddo is around. The other option is to ask your parents to withdraw you as a guardian or responsible for Kiddo, if they pass.

However concerned you are (and the situation is indeed concerning) it's your parent's responsibility to handle and to resolve this situation, as long as they are not being abused themselves. If you believe your mother, for example, is not competent due to age for example to make adequate decisions, this would be different; this would be considered abuse. But if you acted to involve authorities, this could create even greater problems.

Bottom line you're concerned about your parents, and everybody can understand this. You are motivated by love and care. The thing is as long as your parents are competent and their care of Kiddo is legally adequate, your decision-making role, as I see it, is limited. You would be limited to suggesting and supporting them, which I would assume you are already doing.

I don't know if others suggested this, but maybe your parents would be open to posting. All of us here were in their shoes. Maybe they might consider reading and posting. It's often easier to hear "strangers," people outside of the family who share a common plight, who don't know you and who you are unlikely ever to meet.
It is limited & I understand and accept that. But I do not think that Mom does not fully understand/accept that they have put me in the middle. The kids are acting up, she calls me. The girl is upset, she calls me. It seems as if everything falls back on to me. Mom is 70 and is not in the best health. So I have no choice but to go to help and check on her. This makes it extremely hard if not impossible for me to limit contact.

I am concerned for all of them. I do not want to see anything negative happen to anyone. Especially if it were preventable.

I have debated over telling her that she will need to remove me as guardian. I will cause a fallout though. One of the problems, for me, it that "dealing" with them causes so much stress and anxiety that I may need to go back to taking medication again. It even puts stress on my marriage. Also a family member who does not have much contact with them will call me and ask what is going on and express concern about Kiddo's "stability" after they visit or Mom calls her.

It is doubtful that she will be open to posting on here. I love her to bits but she is fairly closed minded and set in her ways. She also despises being told different that what she already believes and has a very difficult time changing. The current counselors that go to the house do not seem to help anything from what I see and am being told. But they have become buddies with mom & will even go out to lunch or just for a car ride.

How old is kiddo now? I agree with Copa, you are limited in what you can make happen.

Is the pediatrician helpful? Does he see issues with kiddos behavior? Are their mental health issues in his family tree? We're drugs are alcohol used by his biomom during the pregnancy? Has he had a thorough work up?

When you say that "grandpa" died do you mean your step dad? Or kiddos actual grandpa?

I really have nothing to offer but understand how difficult this is to watch unfold. Ksm
Their regular pediatrician does know there are issues, but she has her hands tied from what I have been told. The psychiatrist does not even see either child in person, he just listens to Mom or the counselors and goes from there. Mom has depression issues & is probably bi-polar, I'm not sure about their bio-mom's (my sister) mental health or if any drugs or alcohol were used. Both Kiddo & his sister, they are twins, were very very tiny when born. But I was living my own life at that point and was not really involved.

Step-dad/Grandpa. It sounds very odd but, he was my step-dad & the kids step-grandpa then turned adoptive parent. Because of the adoption I constantly go back and forth between calling him first name (we did not get along too well), or grandpa or dad, when speaking to or about the kids. Its all the same person.
 

RainyDayTx

New Member
I should add that I do have some experience with special needs children. I have volunteered at an equine therapy center, was in the "adopt a buddy" program though out my school years with a young lady with downs & have a stepson in his twenties who also has Asperger's with ODD, ADD & anger issues. Thankfully the stepson is not remotely as bad Kiddo in the behavioral department, even though he is lower functioning that Kiddo.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
If he's obsessed with bringing his grandpa back from the dead, why was the psychiatrist not concerned about this? I find this very disturbing. Does he truly think this is possible?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
This is beyond being spoiled in my opinion. I am wondering about attachment disorder. You may want to look it up.

However since they are in charge you have no control over the situation unless you plain don't want to be the guardian. That decision is in your hands. Maybe you should discuss this with a therapist. This is a major decisions in your case and it seems as if, like most of us, we put everyone else's needs before your own. You can think about yourself first and let others do what they will do. You don't have to change your mind about guardianship but you can talk to a therapist, a neutral person, about this difficult situation you are in.

Prayers and love.
 

RainyDayTx

New Member
If he's obsessed with bringing his grandpa back from the dead, why was the psychiatrist not concerned about this? I find this very disturbing. Does he truly think this is possible?
I do not know if mom has even told the psychiatrist. Its disturbing. If he would say that he wishes he could come back or something along those lines, it would not bother me. But he literally says that he has to find a way to bring him back. Even after explaining that it can not be done.

This is beyond being spoiled in my opinion. I am wondering about attachment disorder. You may want to look it up.

However since they are in charge you have no control over the situation unless you plain don't want to be the guardian. That decision is in your hands. Maybe you should discuss this with a therapist. This is a major decisions in your case and it seems as if, like most of us, we put everyone else's needs before your own. You can think about yourself first and let others do what they will do. You don't have to change your mind about guardianship but you can talk to a therapist, a neutral person, about this difficult situation you are in.

Prayers and love.
I will definitely look into it. I know I do not, but the being put in the middle, the behavior & mom's age and health has me extremely worried. I do talk to a therapist about it every now and then. She also works with children and has asked that I pass on her info to mom, but she is having none of it.

Thank you, prayers and love are always welcome.
 
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