Back after three week hiatus

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I've been gone from CD for several weeks. This site has been a source of education and comfort to me, but there are times when I need to step away. Three weeks ago, I called our oldest son, J, on his 29th birthday. It's hard to think of him as almost 30 and his life being what it is. So many hopes have died a painful death in the last six or seven years. Anyway, I called him, and he told me to F** off and hung up on me and then followed that up with some nasty text messages, to the point I had to block him. That was painful, of course, but I told myself it was just confirmation that detaching from him is the best thing for now. It served to firm my resolve, I guess.
    Less than a week later, he texts me and my husband, telling us how sorry he is for what he has done to us the last year and how he appreciates what we have done for him all his life, etc., that he loves us, etc. I called him and spoke with him. He was completely nice and "normal" for the first time in over a year. However, he said he "was at peace no matter what happens and that he wanted us to know he loves us." Well of course, that scared me and I told him so. He assured me that he would never harm himself but that "something had happened" but wouldn't tell me what. My husband called him, and he confessed to my husband that he had slept with someone who might have put him at risk for HIV. He had gone to a public clinic and gotten tested but wouldn't know the results for a month. So I guess he was feeling scared of what might happen.
    I spoke with him again the next day and he said he needed to drive to our former state of residence to try to get an ID. He had lost his driver's license from that state and actually had no ID. If you've never been without an ID, it's pretty serious. You can do NOTHING without a picture I.D. He confided that he was trying to make his upcoming rent in two weeks. Long story short, my husband and I priority mailed some letters with his name on them to our youngest son, who lives in the town and state J had to drive to, as a form of ID verification he needed. I also sent $400 of money I had earned from a part-time job to help him with his rent. He was able to drive to our son's apartment, get the money I had sent, and obtain an ID. He also saw his brother, whom he had not seen for two years. Okay--all good, so far.

    Yesterday, less than a week later, just out of the blue, he starts up again with his angry, malicious text messages, especially targeting my husband this time, although at one point he did take the time to call me a "stupid B****h." So here we are again. For just that week, we had the hope of having a relationship with our son again, despite knowing he is sick. But now--I don't know what to think. His "niceness" was like a switch being turned on and then turned off. I suppose it's a matter of his deciding to be that way. My husband asked him in a text message yesterday not to go down that negative road again, and J commented that "I was scared before. F**k off." Anyway, it was disappointing. The money I sent him could have been used for two months of a car payment. I don't know if I did the wrong or the right thing. Just trying to figure this out in my mind.
  2. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    That's the big issue with dealing with this type of child. There is no right or wrong. There is only what you can or can't, will or won't put up with. I could easily tell you what I would do in this situation but I'm not you.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Sadly when they are nice out of the blue it is usually because they want money from us. He has that now. And unless you paid his rent directly, it has probably gone for drugs. I am sooooo sorry to say that. He may be ramping up to ask for more. They know how to play good son/bad son to meet their wants.

    The HIV story may have been totally made up for more sympathy to break you down. To me it makes no sense for anyone to confess to having AIDS after sex.i think its a crime if you know you have it and spread it around.

    I dont know. You are very caring people. I am very sorry about all of this. He IS sick .He is a drug addict. Until he is clean you wont know what is underneath that. My daughter was not mentally ill although she was diagnosed with bipolar when she used. But she doesnt have it. Also being sick doesnt mean you have to be abusive.
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Please try and remember one of my favorite sayings: the way someone treats you says everything about them and nothing about you. I have gone through similar situations with my daughter. This latest boyfriend, who she has been with about 6 months and is pregnant by (great idea, IKR?) has actually said somethings to her about the way she talks to me. I think his mother was largely out of the picture when he was growing up, so he seems to find it disturbing that my daughter has a supportive mother that she doesn't appreciate. So at least there's one good thing about him. Even though we have all been on this roller coaster many times it doesn't make it any easier. Sending peace your way.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I am so sorry that your son spoke to you that way.

    Don't be hard on yourself. You are kind and you love him. Sometimes we learn painful lessons along the way.
  6. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Thank you all for your kindness. It just felt good to put it down in writing.
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Yup, that tends to help.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Beta, I'm so sorry you had to endure such hatefulness from your son. I've been down that road many times with my son.
    It's very typical behavior to treat us with such disrespect one day, then the next day tell us how sorry they are, how much they love us, how much they admire us, etc......
    I have found with my son that when he's "nice" to me, he wants something. It's not always going to be apparent right away, they may be nice for a week straight as they are laying the groundwork to hit us up for something, be it money or something else.
    I cannot tell you how many times I have sent a copy of my son's birth cert. to him because he had lost his ID. This last time I did it when he got out of jail. I was not going to but my husband convinced me it was the right thing to do. I no longer live in the state my son was born so I cannot just pop down to the city clerks office and get a copy, I have to do it online and it's expensive. When I sent it to my son, who is now 37, I told him he better keep good track of it because I will never do this for him again. Honestly, I think I have sent him at least a dozen copies over the years.
    I know how hard it is to watch your child live their life in such chaos. You, myself and all the other parents here will never stop loving our children but detaching from them is the only way we can move on with our own lives. We have our own stories to write and they have theirs.
    I'm glad you posted and let us know how things have been going.
    Hang in there!!!
  9. Deni D

    Deni D Active Member

    Sorry Beta, I'm in the same boat too. I can figure out the nastiness comes from blaming us for any problems they have in life. The niceness when it comes from mine does not come with apologies any more. It's more like he has a "nice virus" for a bit and it will go away very soon. Mine doesn't get anything from me whether he's nice or nasty anymore. And he doesn't ask when he's nice. I guess maybe he sometimes has real memories verses the mythical past he's made up and wants to talk to me at those times, I don't know. But I no longer think he will continue to be respectful, it was painful to experience what I thought was things turning around a bit only to find out I was set up for the next nasty blast.
  10. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Beta, I’m sorry. I’ve danced this dance as well. It hurts when we realize we’ve been played...again. When it seems they are only nice to us when they want something. I think all we can really do is learn not to take it personally, and recognize that it truly is a reflection of their sickness. Hugs.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Beta I am so sorry for what you are going through. It seems to be a theme with our wayward ones. Yo-yo emotions, theirs, trying to entangle our hearts, to keep us in their game. They are keenly aware of what “pokes us in the eye” to get a reaction that sends us into a frenzy of what ifs, triggering rescue mode.
    It’s heartbreaking and maddening.
    I am still struggling at times, I can’t deny it.
    I like what Eliza shared with us on my thread, that she reminds herself she is an observer. Removing our emotional involvement and attachment helps to reveal the truth in this game playing our addicted adult children engage in. I read something today about addicts having no empathy or fellow feeling for others. Drugs remove that from their brains. I have to remember that. My daughters have played me so many times. I am an object to them. As long as they are using, that is all I will be.
    It is sad, but true.
    I don’t want to be anybody’s pawn or puppet. Least of all someone I raised, yes, imperfectly, but with love.
    Hang in there Beta, do something for you.
  12. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    To all of you who responded, thank you again. I was away from CD yesterday, trying to stay warm in the Midwest with our crazy antartic temperatures.
    For a week, when he was being nice, I thought maybe our relationship might be restored, and maybe we could have a positive influence on him as far as getting him some help. I too feel like I was set up for a fall. This morning I woke up to texts from him telling me what a failure I am as a mother, etc. so I've blocked him for the time being. I'm grieving but I'm also determined not to let him ruin the rest of our lives either.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Beta, I’m so sorry for this. It’s horrible. I believe it’s projection. They have to blame and point fingers at someone else for their bad choices, so they can look at themselves in the mirror. Unfortunately, I have read this time and again, it’s us, we are the target.
    Not buying into that.
    I understand the grieving, it hits me in the gut at times. The only way is to try our best to work through it and keep building ourselves back up. I am glad you are determined not to let it ruin the rest of your lives. We have value and we matter. Whether or not our waywards acknowledge it, we have done our best to raise them.
    As my daughter puts blame on me for her problems and choices, I think to myself the damage she has caused her three children. Chooses drugs and partying over them. She can’t seem to fathom this.
    These adult kids of ours who are off the tracks have a whole different way of thinking.
    Hopefully they will one day wake up.
    Let’s not hold our breath until they do.
    Keep on keeping on.
  14. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Look for the long term. Most anybody can act right for a few minutes to get what they want. Change happens slowly with occasional setbacks.
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  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Very true Jabber! With my son, if he can maintain for 3 years straight with going to jail or being homeless I just might start to believe he's changing. My son was able to "maintain" for a little over a year. He couldn't hold a job for more than a few months but "played the game" to the point his wife, myself and my husband all thought he was truly trying. The truth eventually came out about what he was really doing and it wasn't putting forth effort to live a good life.
  16. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Well, I think the break is pretty much complete now. I happened to check my FB page the other day, and J had posted some profane, malicious things on a photo from an event at church. I hastily deleted it and blocked him (again) from FB, but not before people saw it, of course. Then he blocked us from his phone. Yesterday my mother in law called my husband to tell him that he is posting negative stuff on his FB page about us. I think the three feelings most prevalent right now are shock, anger, and hurt. I guess we just wait and pray from here on out. As angry as I am, I can't help but worry about where he is and what he is doing. In one of his ranting texts from two days ago, he described himself as "a vagrant and a criminal." Wow. That's almost too much to bear. I still can't believe sometimes that things have come to this point.